<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Withered Rose by TheLastNightFury</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24593830">Withered Rose</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLastNightFury/pseuds/TheLastNightFury'>TheLastNightFury</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Steven Universe - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Ending, Angst, Attempted Suicide, Blood, Canon Divergence, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Heavy angst (gradually), Hurt/Comfort, Jasper dies, Mental Health Issues, PTSD, Self Harm, Steven Universe Future, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, fragments</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:55:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>47,432</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24593830</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLastNightFury/pseuds/TheLastNightFury</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after the events of ‘Fragments’, </p><p>Jasper doesn’t reform after being shattered. She’s gone for good - and Steven has to deal with the consequences of taking it a little too far.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>123</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>194</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi everyone! This is super important!!</p><p>TRIGGER WARNINGS: <br/>- Self Harm/Graphic self harm<br/>- Blood<br/>- Suicidal thoughts <br/>- Referenced suicide attempt</p><p>If any of this stuff triggers you please please please be careful!! Read the tags, they tell you all you need to know :) </p><p>Hope you enjoy! It’s gonna be a wild ride</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Please...please let this work.”</p><p>The bath water gushed loudly, almost drowning out the sounds of thunder and rain raging outside. Steven’s whole body ached as if he’d been kneeling there for an eternity, draped over the edge of the tub with his hands clasped tightly around her gem beneath the water. He traced his thumb against it, feeling every crack and rivet he’d created. 

</p><p> How could he have been so goddamn careless? </p><p>
  <em>The debris was scattered far across the clearing - a combination of splintered wood and cracked rocks that would certainly be in one piece if not for him. Normally this much damage to nature would break his heart - but today he beamed, magenta eyes raging with dopamine. He did it. He was finally strong enough to put up a fight. He wasn't weak anymore. The gem grinned down at the pile of debris Jasper was buried beneath, waiting for the moment she’d burst from it, defeat plastered over her face. “Am I still pathetic now, Jasper?” 

</em></p><p>
  <em>No response. 

</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He kicked at the rubble, coercing her to come out. “Come on Jasper, I thought you wanted a fight.” 

</em></p><p><em>Still nothing. Not a single movement. His grin faltered. “Did - did I poof her?” She’d taken hit after hit from him without gaining a single scratch...surely not. Regardless, curiosity took over and Steven began lifting pieces of rock away until a glimmer of orange finally caught his eye. Her gem. Steven was taken aback, open mouth falling into a surprised smile. “Wow, I really did poof you!...Guess I’m not so weak after all, huh Jasper?” 

</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As he reached for her gem, another glint caught his eye - amber coloured, just like her. Weird. He stepped back, eyes studying the area. As lightning lit up the sky he caught another glint - and another - and another. Steven was silent for a moment, processing and processing until it hit him. He stepped back slowly, absolutely horror stricken.

</em>
</p><p><em>No... </em>



</p><p>He shook the memory away. She’d be fine! He - he could fix this. She’d be okay. He always fixed it in the end. </p><p>“Come on Jasper, I’m sorry...please come back...” </p><p>He continued - eyes screwed shut, gem held tightly below the water, just waiting. </p><p>And waiting. 

</p><p>Steven wouldn’t admit to himself that she would’ve reformed a long time ago if she was going to at all. <em>Stop it. She’s fine.</em> He stayed in that same position, waiting patiently for her return. Waiting and waiting, because that was all he could do. </p><p>He was snapped back to reality when the bath water flowed over the edge of the tub, soaking into his jeans. His eyes flew open, almost expecting to be welcomed to the sight of warm light swelling from his hands as she reformed. </p><p>Nothing. </p><p>Steven lifted his shaky hands out of the water, unclasping them to reveal her gem - still in pieces. He felt like he’d been kicked in the stomach.

</p><p><em> She...she’s not coming back, is she?</em> 

</p><p>Steven took a shaky breath, blurry eyes set wide on her pieces in the palm of his hand. “No. Nononono...” This wasn’t real. He didn’t. She was fine, he didn’t do anything. She was fine! He felt the shards slip out of his palm as he fumbled to push the pieces back together, scattering them across the cold bathroom floor. Steven recoiled, involuntarily letting a sharp sob escape him. <em>Jasper...</em></p><p><em> You</em> wanted a fight. <em>You</em> held her down. She didn’t stand a chance, and you should have known.</p><p>
  <em>What the fuck have you done, Universe?</em>
</p><p>There was a sharp knock at the door. </p><p>“Steven, what’s going on in there?”</p><p>No. Not this. He couldn’t deal with them. Not now. He couldn’t. They couldn’t know about this. He hesitated for a moment, and then in a rush of panic and adrenaline, picked all the shards back up one by one before jamming them into his pocket. He opened the door, ignoring the gems cries of protest and confusion as he shoved past them, rushing upstairs to the greenhouse warp pad. He choked back another sob. 

“Please, don’t follow me.” 

Amethyst and Pearl opened their mouths to protest before Garnet put her hands down firmly on their shoulders, shutting them up. They made eye contact briefly before Steven turned away, leaving without another word.</p><p>_</p><p>While the ashy clouds still loomed overhead, the worst of the rain had passed by the time Steven reached the forest.

</p><p>It was dreary being back there - surrounded by the torn up rocks and trees she had left behind. He pushed the memories to the back of his mind before he felt nauseous, roughly wiping his tears away as he walked. His whole body shook, barely succeeding in taking small steps without collapsing or feeling the urge to vomit. 

</p><p>It took a while, but eventually Steven reached the foot of a large oak tree in the clearing. He knelt down, scooping up the soil with his fingers through blurry eyes. The whole situation didn’t feel real. This wasn’t him. He wasn’t supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be this <em>angel</em>, nice and sweet and caring, just like his mother. Except he wasn’t. Wait, no. He <em>absolutely</em> was.

</p><p>He was exactly like her. <em>Really</em> her. He was beginning to realise that no matter how hard he tried, he always would be. He was Diamond...and there was nothing he could do about it. He tried to be good and nice and happy. He could do it when he was younger, he was always helping people, but now...</p><p>It was such a struggle, especially recently. Why couldn’t he do it anymore? Why was it so damn hard to feel...okay? Couldn’t he manage that? Jesus, he couldn’t even handle the graduation without having a complete meltdown. <em>So no ones allowed to be happy if you’re not, huh Steven?</em> He squeezed his eyes shut. No, no. It wasn’t like that. It was just...he felt so incomplete. Left out. Everyone else was happy. Everyone else was moving on with their life - so why couldn’t he? Was he just not needed anymore? Was that it? Gems are made to fulfil a purpose, his was to help people, and now he’d done that. Nobody needed him. 

</p><p>Trying to come to terms with that created an awful feeling in his stomach. God, why did he have to be like this? Why did he feel so useless without helping people? </p><p>What was he even <em>for</em> now? What was he <em>supposed</em> to do?</p><p>Steven pulled the shards out his pocket, resting them in the palm of his hand for a moment before gently tipping them into the pit. His stomach twisted. Squeezing his eyes shut, he smoothed the soil back over the top, placing a small rock over the spot to mark its place. He felt so hollow. It felt so wrong leaving her like this, but it’s not like he could put her in a bubble. If the gems saw, God, he didn’t want to think about that. This was the safest place for her. It was the best he could do. </p><p>Eventually he managed to pull himself away from the spot, wandering off in no particular direction. He didn’t have a clue where he was headed, but he’d been growing used to that feeling for a while now.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hope you guys are enjoying so far! I adore reading your comments so feel free to leave something if you’d like, hope you stick around for the journey!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was dark when Steven got back to the house. His body felt so weak, legs quivering with every step. He felt like he’d crumble to pieces if he wasn’t careful enough.

</p><p>He’d had some time to compose himself, wandering aimlessly around the forest for hours on end. He spent a lot of time thinking about what happened - a little bit of time. Well, not really. He maybe thought about it once which was more than long enough for him to come to the conclusion that what he had done was bad. Immeasurably bad. Maybe the gems would shatter him in return, an eye for an eye as they say. Well, maybe not. Crystal Gems don’t shatter, it’s basically their whole thing, they’d probably just kick him out and refuse to speak to him again. Or he’d go to jail - he’d seen it enough in movies. It’s what people like him deserved. </p><p>Maybe if he told the gems they’d try to justify it - say it wasn’t his fault - or it was an accident! He would never want to do something like that on purpose! Which was true, wasn’t it? 

</p><p>Or in the back of his mind, in the deepest part of his thoughts was there a small part of him that enjoyed it a little bit. Finally letting go. Finally being in control. He wasn’t pathetic anymore and it was <em>wonderful.</em> He felt so guilty for it. </p><p>The truth was he would never forgive himself for what he did. He was absolutely, undeniably a monster and it made him feel sick to his stomach. His heart absolutely ached to think about who he was and what he did (even if a teeny maybe not-so-sorry part of him thought otherwise) and now he was about to lie to everyone about it, because they couldn’t know. They just couldn’t.</p><p>So he just tried not to think about all that.</p><p>He closed the door quietly behind him, attempting to make his way up to his room without being heard. As he reached the foot of the stairs the light flicked on. He span around, immediately locking eyes with Pearl. Dammit.</p><p>“Steven!?”</p><p>“...Yes.”</p><p>She pushed herself off the couch, rushing towards him. Amethyst and Garnet popped their heads through from the kitchen, their faces lighting up as they saw him. He couldn’t help but feel a small pang of guilt for making them worry so much. </p><p>“Steven! You’re back!”</p><p>He forced a smile, burying his fists in his pockets. “Hey, guys. How’ve you been?”</p><p>“Forget us! We were so worried about you! Where have you been, dude?!”</p><p>Steven froze. <em>Shit. I forgot they’d ask about that. </em>“I-I’m sorry guys, I just needed some space, I didn’t mean to worry you.”</p><p>Pearl frowned. “Steven, you need to talk to us so we can help you, you can’t just run away like that! We’ve been so worried!”</p><p>Her patronising tone only served to irritate him slightly. He didn’t need to be babied. “Sorry, it won’t happen again.” Jaspers voice rung back in his head. <em>“I’m not going to coddle you, Steven!”</em> He felt his smile fall slightly. That memory didn’t do him any favours for keeping himself composed around the gems. He was getting nauseous. <em> Stop thinking about her. Stop it. Stop it.</em> They paused, studying his expression like he were a surreal painting in an art gallery. He shifted under their gaze uncomfortably.</p><p>“What? What’s wrong?”</p><p>Amethyst crossed her arms tightly.. “It’s just...we’re worried about you, man...you’re all like, covered in dirt and you were gone for days - and barely came back for a minute before leaving again! What’s going on?”</p><p> He looked down at his himself, noticing his hands and jeans were caked in dirt from where he was kneeling. He grimaced. Well, that wasn’t exactly subtle. Not that he was doing a good job of it anyway - disappearing for days and then returning in a rush of tears and panic, only to leave again shortly after. They were onto him. Then because being cornered by Amethyst and Pearl wasn’t bad enough, Garnet spoke up. “Steven, we’re not going to push you but if something’s wrong...you know you can talk to us.” She approached him, resting her hand on his shoulder in a comforting manner.</p><p>The rational part of his brain knew they were just trying to help, but he just couldn’t help feeling like he was being treated like a child. <em>Or maybe they’re just being nice</em>. But even so, he didn’t deserve their kindness. Not anymore. <em> They wouldn’t be so nice if they knew what you were.</em> He pushed her hand away, expression souring. “Guys I’m <em>fine</em>. Like I said, I just need some space. <em>Please</em>.” He could feel the anger in him simmering, pink glow softly gracing his cheeks. <em>Keep it together. It’s not a big deal.</em></p><p>Pearl put her hands up defensively, motherly tone taking over her yet again. “Okay...but we have to discuss this sooner rather than later, Steven, about Greg and the van, and your powers are getting completely out of control-”

</p><p>He felt wrong - like an imposter. He was stuck in a world that wasn’t his anymore. This motherly lecture wasn’t for him. This kindness wasn’t for him. They just didn’t know any better - to them he was still this sweet little kid, Saviour of the Universe! But there had been a shift the moment he decided to smash Jasper to pieces. He was no longer innocent, as sorry as he was that didn’t change anything. He didn’t deserve any of this - <em>I’m slipping I’m slipping I’m slipping</em> - and they were sure as hell going to find out about it.
</p><p>“My powers are fine, Pearl! I’m <strong>fine</strong>!” </p><p>Garnet stepped between them. “Steven. You’re glowing again, you need to calm down.”</p><p>“I’ll calm down when you stop treating me like a <em>fucking</em><strong> child</strong>!”</p><p>The floor cracked beneath him. His anger fizzled away, quickly replaced by panic. “Pearl! I’m s-” <em>No, you’re not.</em> “Just...leave me alone.” With that he turned, not caring to look up to see the gems astonished faces as he heavily plodded up the stairs to his bedroom.</p><p>—</p><p>He collapsed in his bed, staring up at the ceiling with tired eyes. He didn’t know what he was doing. He didn’t know why he felt like this - or even when he <em>started</em> feeling like this. He’d felt like something was missing for a while now, way before Jasper, not that the situation did anything to make him feel better.

</p><p>All he could do was stare out blankly, blinking away exhausted tears. It was all so much - and he’d tried! He’d tried to be better, but that hadn’t exactly achieved anything good so far. He knew it was getting worse. The pink glowing and swelling was an obvious sign of that, but he could feel it too. The burning need to be useful. To help everyone like he used to. He didn’t know who he was without it - but that didn’t change the fact that he just... <em>wasn’t</em> needed anymore. He did what his mother created him to do, he picked up every last piece she left behind, and now that it was time to get on with his life he felt completely lost. He let the tears fall this time, finally feeling the exhaustion taking a toll as he drifted into unconsciousness. 

</p><p>Maybe that was supposed to be it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: accidental injury, blood</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It had been a few days since the Jasper incident and Steven wasn’t feeling any less shitty. The gems seemed to notice, tiptoeing around him on the rare occasion he left his room to go to the bathroom or force down some food so they wouldn’t worry. It was an obvious fact that it hasn’t worked when they started fussing over him, trying to get him involved with something or another. They were all suddenly interested in spending time with him, and it was no secret why.

</p><p>Most of the time he got away with claiming to be too tired or having other plans (whether they believed him or not was a mystery), although seeing their disappointed faces in response never failed to wash him with guilt. In all fairness, they hadn’t brought up his outburst or unexplained disappearance since that night, at the very least he could work with their efforts to get him out of bed. </p><p>Which lead him to where he was now, begrudgingly making dinner with Pearl.</p><p>“Now I know soup isn’t my usual forte, but my human friends insist I simply <em>have</em> to try this recipe!”</p><p>She chopped the vegetables as she rambled, holding a carrot with her thumb and forefinger before meticulously cutting vertically through the centre. Steven watched her blankly as she turned the flat sides to the chopping board, rapidly slicing it into little segments and tipping them into the pot. She’d been pretty into baking recently, he noticed. Steven wasn’t sure if this was on her own accord or simply another thing she could drag him into taking part in. Regardless, he complied. 

</p><p>Her rambling halted as she suddenly turned to him, wide eyed and apologetic. “Oh sorry Steven! I’ve been taking all the fun,” She slid the knife and chopping board over to him. “Here, I’ll let you have your turn.”</p><p>He managed to conjure up a gentle smile, grabbing another carrot and picking up the knife. “Thanks, Pearl.” She busied herself by stirring the pot, adding spices as she went. Steven copied her cutting technique, chopping through the middle before slowly cutting it into thin slices. While he was somewhat of a decent cook it had been quite some time since he’d been able to properly sit down and make himself a meal - between saving the Universe and running little homeschool he didn’t exactly have a lot of me-time. <em>Since I’m doing nothing with my life now I’ll at least be able to catch up with that.</em> 

</p><p>It suddenly caught up to him that he was mid conversation with Pearl before getting distracted. Shit, she must think he’s so rude. “I-I’m sorry, what was that?” He asked, cheeks flushed with embarrassment. </p><p>”I was just wondering how Connie was doing, I haven’t heard from her in a little while.”</p><p>He tensed up. Oh god. Connie. He was going to have to talk to her at some point. They’d exchanged a few texts since the hospital but he’d mostly been avoiding her calls and messages. He wondered how much longer he could keep it up for before she turned up on his doorstep to make sure he was alright. She was stubborn like that. He dreaded having to face that conversation about the proposal, there was no chance she’d let him forget about it - and now there would be <em>another</em> conversation about why he’d been ignoring her for so long. He wasn’t sure which would be worse at this point. At least the gems had dropped the subject, hopefully she’d let him live and do the same. Either way, the uneasy topic made him face the vegetables with a bit more interest, picking up the pace as he sliced into another carrot.</p><p>“Oh, Connie? She’s doing great - I mean, busy with college prep as usual, haha. You know her, it’s never too early to start preparing.”</p><p>Pearl hummed thoughtfully. “I’ve missed her in training. She hasn’t visited for some time now.” </p><p>Steven forced a smile, grabbing a potato this time and slicing into it feverishly. “I’m sure she’ll be back in no time.”</p><p>He found chopping the vegetables almost therapeutic now, enjoying the pressure required for him to cut clean though to the board. His slices got thinner and faster as he went, almost catching up with Pearls chopping speed. He dropped them into the pot and moved onto another, focusing all his attention on it so he wouldn’t have to look up at Pearl. Now wasn’t the time to get all emotional about Connie. Garnet wouldn’t have told the others about it, he could trust her on that. However, he’d kind of prefer it if none of them knew anything at all - he could hide it much better that way. It was bad enough that they knew <em>something</em> was up, all thanks to Cactus Steven, himself, and Jasper. Granted, all of those were his fault anyway. Why couldn’t he keep his stupid feelings to himself. </p><p>Steven was glad they hadn’t pushed him to talk about it again. Thankfully the whole shattering situation was getting easier to deal with day by day. It almost felt like a dream, like it had never really happened at all in the first place. There wasn’t really a trace that it had anyway, and he didn’t have to think about it if he didn’t want to. It was a little bit messed up really.<em> It’s so messed up. You’re so messed up.</em>
</p><p>He scowled, forcing the knife down through the potato, enjoying the satisfying thud of him cutting clean through to the board. Whatever Pearl was on about had completely blurred into the background now as he sloppily brought the knife down again and again. The tiniest amount of stress melted from his body each time. He wondered if that’s how Jasper felt when she was fighting, indulging in taking her wrath out on other people and objects. Maybe he wasn’t so different from her after all. <em>Except she didn’t deserve to be shattered.</em></p><p>He didn’t hear Pearl talking to him. Nor did he hear her approach him after several failed attempts to get his attention.</p><p>“-ven? Steven!”</p><p>He jerked suddenly, hand ever so slightly slipping as he brought the knife down. It was a small movement, however not small enough to stop the tip of the blade from skimming the side of his finger, cutting through the skin in a short, satisfying <em>chop</em>. </p><p>He recoiled, knife clanging onto the floor. Pearl was quickly at his side, fussing over him in motherly panic. Steven put his non-injured hand out, gently dismissing her.</p><p>“I’m okay! It’s- It’s a small cut, I’ll be fine.”</p><p>He looked down at his shaky hand. The cut was on the side of his index finger, close to the first knuckle on his hand. It was just a small pink line for a moment before the blood rose to the surface, forming little red droplets that pooled together and dripped down his palm. He watched the blood intently, captivated by the dark crimson against his pale flesh. It hurt. It hurt badly - but for a moment, it was the only thing Steven was focused on. No worrying. No thoughts about him not being good enough. No Jasper. Just ruby red running down him like a river. </p><p>He rushed over to the kitchen sink, careful not to get blood on the floor before turning the tap on, watching it wash away into the drain. Some odd part of him almost felt disappointed when it vanished but he was quick to shake that feeling away - for the moment. Steven kissed the wound, smiling at Pearl reassuringly.</p><p>“See? All good.”</p><p>She seemed satisfied enough to continue cooking, making Steven in charge of stirring the pot and adding spices while she took over cutting vegetables up. They managed to finish it with no more injuries and the rest of the day went relatively smoothly from there. Pearl was <em>very</em> proud of the creation, making sure to save enough soup for her human friends to try. Granted, she didn’t eat and Steven was barely hungry - there was plenty spare. Despite his doubts the interaction had sort of improved his mood. Afterwards he even managed to laugh at the TV with Amethyst for a little while before bed.</p><p>Even so, the image of crimson red had stained the back of his mind, and he couldn’t seem to shake it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Steven snaps.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: graphic descriptions of self harm</p><p>This will be a recurring theme in this fic so please read at your own risk! Look after yourselves!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Getting to sleep easily was becoming a distant memory to Steven.</p><p>That day hadn’t been the worst, but he’d fallen back into feeling Less Than Good by the time he’d went up to his room. At night his mind never shut up. The moment the daytime distractions were gone he was plagued with thoughts instead of sleeping, originally thoughts about not being good enough and not knowing why, or feeling lost and confused for no reason. But now he knew he wasn’t even <em>deserving</em> to be good enough anymore. Not deserving to be happy because of what he did and who he was - and it was completely fair. He knew he was a monster. He knew he was irredeemable. He hurt people over and over and he <em>should</em> be feeling really fucking sorry about it.</p><p>It had all gone on for too long and it was <em>exhausting</em>.</p><p>Steven couldn’t explain why, but he’d had the memory of the knife incident in the back of his mind since it happened earlier that day. Knife clattering to the ground. Blood dripping. Colour swirling down the drain. He traced where the mark was with his finger. It was only there for a matter of seconds but he had missed it the moment he healed the pain away. The pulsing sting had calmed him so well - it was a good distraction. Ruby red trickling down his arm. The rush of his heartbeat as he took a second to just stand and watch it happen. </p><p>He had liked it, in some way or another. He knew that was wrong, of course it was. That’s not something people do - nor gems either. You weren’t supposed to want to hurt. It was messed up, he knew it - but it didn’t make it any less true that he craved it. After some debate he’d taken a moment to actually think about it. He had considered how he felt and came to the obvious conclusion that it was <em>bad</em> and he shouldn’t even think of doing something so stupid, yet he still found himself getting out of bed, padding down the stairs to the kitchen and standing heavily over the cutlery drawer. He bit his tongue, shifting uncomfortably.</p><p>Well it wasn’t like it would hurt anyone.</p><p>Heart racing, he opened it and picked up the same knife from earlier. It wasn’t particularly large, they probably wouldn’t notice if it were missing. He took it back upstairs with him, feeling anxiety and aching curiosity building in his stomach. The thump of his heart never slowed, even when he got to his room where no one could catch him in the act. <em>Oh god what am I doing.</em>

</p><p>For a while he just stared at it, watching how the blade glinted in the moonlight as he twisted it. He was torn. This wasn’t right. It was very clearly a step in the <em>wrong</em> direction and there would be no going back from it. He knew that, however he was also aware he hadn’t put that much thought into whether hurting Jasper was a step in the right direction or not. Maybe she just didn’t matter enough for him to consider it. Maybe she wasn’t worth it to him. So why did he seem to think <em>he</em> was? That was only more proof he deserved every bit of pain he could get. 
</p><p>One moment he was just staring at it, heart beating out of his chest. The next he was sucking in a breath, shakily outstretching his arm and slashing down.</p><p>His eyes widened at the sight of blood against his flesh. It was a shallow cut, probably not worse than a cat scratch, just much cleaner. <em>You can do better than that.</em>  In a rush of adrenaline he gritted his teeth and slashed down again - and again - and again. He barely even felt it. Maybe he just wasn’t doing it hard enough. Maybe he wasn’t strong enough. His mind flashed back to Jaspers words again. <em>“No one is as pitiful as <em>you</em>”.</em> He bit back a yell of frustration, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. “No, I’m <strong><em>not</em></strong>!” He brought the knife down hard, digging the tip of the blade into his flesh and dragging it through deeply. He growled. Now that one <em>hurt.</em></p><p>Steven breathed heavily, leaning against the headboard. It felt good. Really, weirdly, good. He was getting exactly what he deserved and felt all his stress and frustration melt away at the same time. It was delightful.

</p><p>It was...horrifying. </p><p>Horrifying that he liked it. Horrifying that in a sick way, this was the best he’d felt in a while - and he doubted it would be the last time he’d do it. </p><p>As the elation wore off he looked down at himself, starting to process what he’d done through the current fogginess of his brain. Even in the dark he could see that the blood was getting everywhere - on his arms, his clothes, even a little on the bedsheets. It wasn’t good. He felt anxiety bubbling to the surface again. He just cut himself. He cut himself on purpose. He was bleeding - and he chose to. What the hell was he doing? What if the gems found out? 

</p><p>He kissed the wounds quickly, in turn smearing blood all over his chin. In a second the pain was gone and he was slowly returning to feeling...normal again. He hated it. Why did he hate it? He knew it was bad but right now, his priority was to clean up the evidence. There wasn’t time to think it through. </p><p>Begrudgingly he got up, knowing better than to try sleeping with the blood everywhere, even if there was no trace of a cut. He wasn’t entirely sure Pearl had stopped watching him while he slept. Thankfully the gems sounded like they were all out of the house at the moment so he’d be able to clean up without them seeing him in such a state. Steven rushed into the bathroom, locking the door behind him, just in case. He flicked the light on. Logically, he knew what he did, he knew what blood looked like and he knew how much was on him. Oddly there was a difference between theoretically knowing what you’ve done and <em>actually</em> seeing the results in harsh white light.</p><p>Steven couldn’t deny he looked like absolute shit. He had bags under his eyes. Dried blood covered half his face. It covered his arms. It was down his shirt. All of it sticky and rusty red. During missions he got the odd scrape or bruise (or fracture according to Dr Maheswaran) but nothing really like <em>this</em>, and <em>this</em> was just from him. He was losing himself, little by little. He knew it - and it scared him. He was already useless trying to take care of the gems, and now he was barely capable of taking care of himself. Going back to how things were was becoming less and less of an option. Every time he felt a little bit sad or had another dark thought he just knew it was getting even more out of hand.</p><p>He turned the tap on, cupping his hands under the water and splashing it into his face until it was clean. He then dipped his arms under, letting it wash all the blood away. He marvelled how there wasn’t a single trace of what he did...he...he could just keep doing it and nobody would have to know about any of it. With this maybe he could play it normal. Why not? It was utterly harmless. Knowing he could fall back on this - whatever <em>this</em> was - was an odd comfort. They wouldn’t have to know a thing. He could be fine. </p><p>As long as the knife was close by, he could be just <em>fine</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steven woke up feeling almost excited for the first time in a long while. </p><p>Last night had been...bad, but he felt so much better now. No matter what happened or what he did, he had a small remedy to make himself feel less bad about it. Maybe the gems couldn’t help him anymore, but <em>he</em> could help himself - and they didn’t have to know a single thing about it. It was a good plan, he thought. He could just go behind the scenes, improving himself bit by bit in the form of a sharp blade buried in the back of his bedside drawer. 

</p><p>Stretching, he fumbled for his phone. 12:07 PM. Not the worst. He was about to put it back down when his gaze fell onto his lock screen. Well, to be more specific, his gaze fell onto Connie. It was a photo of them together on the beach, maybe from 3 or 4 months prior. She looked beautiful, smiling brightly at the camera with her dark hair pinned back in a variety of colourful clips. He had his arm around her, smiling too - not at the camera however - but at her. </p><p>Connie was, to put it simply, absolutely wonderful. She was without doubt the bravest, smartest, most kind and selfless person he knew. She was brilliant in battle, as well as normal life. Connie always knew what she was doing and what she wanted - and he had to admit it hurt a little.

</p><p>Of course, it wasn’t her fault. He loved her and would never even dream of changing her, but it still hurt because, well, because he was nothing like her. Every day he felt like he was straying further from what was considered good and normal and <em>human</em>, and he just couldn’t help but see his friends as a reminder of that. Even the gems. He wanted to be with them. He wanted his happily ever after - but he was really beginning to think he just didn’t have one. Either that or he had tossed it away sometime in these past few weeks. Maybe when he first started glowing pink, or crashed the van, or shattered Jasper, or took that knife upstairs with him last night. There was nothing he could do about it now anyway. </p><p>Steven jumped when his phone started vibrating with an incoming call - from Connie. He winced. He’d been avoiding her messages for some time now, although it would be a lie to say he hadn’t missed her like crazy. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. He gulped, swiping to answer it. 

</p><p>“H-hey Connie!”

</p><p>Despite having to force the cheerful tone, he couldn’t deny the immediate relief he felt when he heard her voice again. 

</p><p>“Steven? Oh my gosh, it’s been so long since we last talked! Did you not get my calls and messages?”

</p><p>“I...”

</p><p>It was hard to lie to her, but did he really have another option? Maybe telling her he hadn’t answered her messages on purpose wasn’t the worst, but then she’d just want to know what was wrong with him - and then what? He’d tell her how he felt? About how he was feeling worse and worse every day? About Jasper? His newfound interest for tearing himself apart? He couldn’t hurt her like that. Secrets or not she was his best friend, and there was no way in hell he’d lose that voluntarily.

</p><p>“I’m really sorry, Connie, I guess I’ve been kinda busy lately. I didn’t mean to ignore you.”

</p><p>There was a pause on the other end. Steven was half convinced she’d figured him out and hung up until she continued.

</p><p>“You...you can tell me if something’s wrong, you know? Has the swelling and glowing gotten any better?”

</p><p>“It’s fine, totally nothing to worry about!”

</p><p>“Steven, seriously. You can talk to me.”</p><p>God, it was tempting. He almost wanted to. He wanted to melt in her arms and tell her everything. He wanted her to know exactly how he felt and what he had done - but he could never risk her reacting badly. He wanted to believe she’d understand - but <em>he</em> didn’t even understand! He couldn’t explain why any of these things were happening. Dr Maheswaran had tried to explain the whole ‘trauma’ thing, but It’s not like she mentioned homicidal behaviour was a result of any of that stuff, and he sure as hell wasn't going to bring that up now. He could deal with it himself. </p><p>“I...I know. Thank you, Connie.”</p><p>Whether she believed Steven or not she seemed to let it slide, moving onto another subject. He talked with her for a little longer, catching up with her about college prep, the gems, all that stuff. They could both feel the elephant in the room but decided not to address it. Eventually she had to leave to study more, and Steven was left alone in the silence of his room.</p><p>He sighed, pushing himself up. <em>I should probably shower.</em> He decided with a groan. He plodded down the stairs lethargically, turning the corner only to come face to face with Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, all sitting together on the sofa. They all made eye contact with him immediately when they heard him reach the bottom of the stairs. Steven was pretty sure they had been waiting for him. “Uh...hi, guys?”</p><p>Garnet piped up first. “Steven, you’re awake.” She stated matter-of-factly. </p><p>“We’ve been meaning to talk to you.” Pearl added. Steven stood there dumbstruck, opening his mouth to protest before snapping it shut again. He did not have a good feeling about this.  He had been satisfied when they started avoiding the subject before, but he was beginning to realise that wasn’t going to be their permanent solution. There was a whole load of stuff he had been keeping from them and none of it was something he wanted to deal with right now, if ever. He forced a smile. “I’m just about to shower, can’t we talk later?” </p><p>Amethyst frowned. “Come on, man. We’ve let it settle for long enough now. Can’t you just talk to us?”</p><p>It may have been a question but Steven knew he didn’t have a choice in the situation. Garnet and Pearl looked at him sternly, clearly set on not letting him leave. He knew better than to think they’d let him off the hook again. Sighing, he crossed his arms defensively. He tried to keep his tone steady, masking how utterly Not Calm he was feeling in that moment.  “Okay, fine. What did you want to talk about?”  </p><p>Pearl clasped her hands together, averting her gaze as she spoke. “We’ve noticed you haven’t...<em>quite</em> been yourself recently. We know you don’t want to talk about it but this is serious. We’re worried about you.” Garnet and Amethyst looked at him sympathetically, clearly agreeing with Pearl. </p><p>“Yeah...we just miss you, dude. You gonna tell us what happened?”</p><p>Steven crossed his arms tighter around his body. They had no idea what they were asking. If they knew <em>anything</em>, God, they’d be out of here. They wouldn’t be trying to help him; that was a fact. If any other gem had done what he did they’d be bubbled. Or worse. Who was he to think they’d give him special treatment? And now he was being backed into a corner. They were going to find out. </p><p>Before he knew it he was glowing pink, hunched over with his fingers tangled in his hair. His breathing grew laboured quickly. <em>They're going to find out. They’ll know what you are. </em> The gems were quick to rush over, immediately fussing over him. He waved them off, taking a moment to sort himself out while they stepped back. Once he had composed himself a little, Garnet pressed him again - more insistently this time. “Steven, this is clearly a serious issue. You need to tell us what’s bothering you.”</p><p>The reality of the situation was overbearing. He didn’t see a way out of the conversation. He didn’t see a way out of any of it. Something in him broke.</p><p>“Don’t you get it?!” He snapped, “You <em>can’t</em> help me! I can’t <em>be</em> helped anymore!” His tone was desperate. Pained. It hurt them. Pearl hurried over to him, putting her hands on his shoulder in a comforting manner. 

“Steven, we <em>can</em> help you. You just need to-“</p><p>“No, you <em>can’t</em>! I’m not like you! He covered his face with his hands, stumbling back away from Pearls touch. His voice shook. “ You don’t- you don’t know what I’ve done, Pearl! You have no idea how <strong>bad</strong> I am!” He pulled his hands away from his face. They were wet. <em> Am I crying?</em> Steven looked up at them. There was pity in their eyes - and the smallest bit of fear. Were they worried for him? Or afraid of him? <em> They don’t even know you’re a shatterer and they’re already afraid of you.</em> He had to get out of there.</p><p>They were stunned silent as he spoke, stuttering out shaky sentences through his tears. “I- I can’t be helped. Not after this! I need to be fixed, I-I need to be put <em>back in line</em>. Something clicked in his brain. He knew just what to do. Well, not exactly. He didn’t have a solution, but if anyone did, it would be White.</p><p>Garnet spoke slowly and carefully like he’d bolt otherwise.  “Steven, what did you do?”</p><p>The room was silent while they waited for his response, faces washed with worry. Steven squeezed his eyes shut, turning to head back up the stairs. His voice broke as he spoke. “<em>No</em>, I just- I... <em>can’t</em> okay? I just- I have to go. It’s for the best. I’m sorry, guys.” He headed to the greenhouse warp pad, ignoring the gems calling out behind him. The Diamonds would know what to do. They’d dealt with thousands of gems that had gone rogue and stepped out of line. Maybe it wasn’t what was best for those gems but it’s what’s best for him. Sure, they cared about him and might not want to hurt him but it’s what <em>he</em> wanted. How could he be okay with hurting people over and over and just getting away with it? They’d understand. </p><p>When they finally caught up with him he brought another wall up, stopping them dead in their tracks. All they could do was watch him helplessly as he activated the warp pad. Garnets soft “We’ll always be your family” was the last thing he heard as he left, tears blurring his vision as he warped away to Homeworld.

</p><p> It was time he got what he deserved.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>And we’re back on the Steven universe future timeline </p><p>Feel free to leave comments, I love reading them!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This ones a lot longer than the others, enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steven had to drag himself up the steps to the Palace, fighting every urge to collapse right then and there. <em>Is a warp pad at the top of the stairs too much to ask?</em> It was understandable really. Not sleeping or eating properly for almost a week doesn't really help you function. Jeez, when was the last time he drank water? How did he go from being so careful about his health to not even noticing what he was doing to his body? He couldn’t bring himself to care. It’s not like it would change anything.</p><p>The interaction he’d had with the gems left him pretty shaken. The thought of them figuring anything out made him...<em>uncomfortable</em> at the very least. Maybe he hadn’t said anything overly specific, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t blurted out way more than he would’ve liked. The fact Garnet could see into the future hung in the back of his mind, keeping him on constant edge. She knew more pieces of the puzzle than Amethyst and Pearl did - well, maybe just the Connie thing actually - but if anyone was going to figure him out, it would be her. He was really hoping his unpredictability would save his ass this time.</p><p>...But then again, maybe he shouldn’t avoid it. He didn’t deserve to run. Not anymore. He wasn’t going to put any more effort into pretending everything was okay because it was just too late for all that. If they found out - <em>fine</em>. After every horrible thing he did, he knew he didn’t deserve to get away with any of it.</p><p>Eventually Steven reached the top of the top of the stairs, squinting through the blinding light of Homeworld. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the Palace interior, but when they did he couldn’t help but notice the few gems that were scattered around the large room. Curiously, he approached the small group that had congregated below the Diamond thrones.</p><p>“As you can see, this truly was the centre of power in the Gem empire throughout the second era,”</p><p>When you were standing right below the Diamond thrones they looked absolutely <em>huge</em>. Steven had to stretch his head right back just to see the very top of White’s. It towered over him tremendously. They were so incredibly powerful. His gaze settled over them as the tour guide spoke.</p><p>“Through these stories halls, it’s easy to feel as if you too have the power of a Diamond!”</p><p>Steven teared his gaze away, grimacing. Right. He was just like them. No, he <em>was</em> one of them. Unfortunately, there was one big difference that separated him from them. The Diamonds were learning. They had taken the time to admit they were wrong and learn to be better. Steven was getting worse. He wasn’t learning anything. He’d left it until it was too much for him to handle - and now he was struggling to find a way out. He had to stop hurting people. Stop hurting <em>himself.</em> The Diamonds were his last hope. Well, more specifically White. While Yellow and Blue were more than capable of helping him, he doubted they’d listen to something like this. They wouldn’t understand what he needed. The two gems had grown rather loving towards him over the years. White had too of course, but the connection wasn’t quite as strong as it was with the others. He always found it hard to get close with her. Regardless, she was his best bet at helping him. He had to find her.</p><p>“Steven!”</p><p>He didn’t have time to process Spinel’s presence until she was wrapped around him, sloppily kissing his face. It was impossible to fight the pink rage that spread through his body. “Spinel! What is wrong with you?!”</p><p>She smirked. “Oh, you know. The usual.”</p><p><em>Good job Steven. Kind of insensitive after everything she’s been through</em>. He squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the anger to disperse. For once he was feeling too exhausted to spare an apology. “So, uh...how have you been since...”</p><p>“Since I tried to kill you?” Spinel smiled apologetically. It was clear she still felt guilty for it. “That was so embarrassing. I was just a <em>wreck</em> back then but I am so much better now! So what are ya doing here?”</p><p>Steven doubted Spinel would approve of his idea. Well, it’s not like he had another option anyway - he had truly done everything he could on his own. Functioning like this wasn’t an option anymore. He couldn’t live being afraid of himself and what he might do to other people. What if he hurt one of the Crystal Gems? Or his father again? What about Connie? What would he do with himself if he hurt her? It wasn’t worth waiting to find out.</p><p>“I...need to talk to White Diamond?” Shit, he was never a good liar. In all fairness it wasn’t exactly a lie. He was going to <em>talk</em> to her. It didn’t matter what the subject was. Regardless his awkward response went over Spinel’s head, and soon enough he was being dragged away to find her.</p><p>—</p><p>“Oh, what fun! Thank you, Spinel, but why don’t you leave me and Steven alone for a moment?”</p><p>“Okayy...don’t take too long!”</p><p>Steven had been anxiously waiting for Spinel to leave for a little while. Now that she was actually going there was an odd feeling of dread building in his stomach. He couldn’t explain it. It was clear White was doing so much better - and he should be happy for her! She wasn’t referring to other gems as ‘lower life forms’ anymore. That was a huge step. She was going on charitable escapades. She was letting them take control of her body just to give them a voice. It was amazing how much she’d improved, but the whole situation just felt...off. She was only sitting before him calmly, but he couldn’t seem to shake the anxiety it invoked. Steven tried to push the worry behind him for the moment. The door clicked shut as Spinel left. His heart thudded.</p><p>“Now, what is it exactly?”</p><p>Steven squeezed his fists tightly, nails digging into his flesh. He didn’t even realise he was doing it until he felt the sting of broken skin meeting sweat. It would be a lie to say it didn’t feel good. God, wasn’t that just messed up. Had White noticed? If she did she wasn’t bothered by it. He wrapped his arms around his body self-consciously, taking a shaky breath in. “I-I’ve been getting more powerful. New Diamond powers are coming out every day and it’s- it’s scaring me.”</p><p>White smiled down at him, seemingly not phased by any of this information. “Oh, Steven... So many would dream of having your power and yet it only worries you!”</p><p>“White, I’m serious!” His voice cracked like he was on the verge of tears. She was his last hope. He didn’t know what to do if she couldn’t help him. “I’m scared I’m gonna hurt people! I- I guess I already have. Seriously. Please, I need your help.” Her smile never faltered once. It was like she wasn’t even listening to him. He bit his tongue, desperately fighting the agitation that was building up in his stomach. “Half Diamond, half creature of Earth. In all of the Universe there’s no one else who could know what you’re going through,” She knelt down to his level, pointing at his chest with her long black nail. Steven flinched, heart racing as he gently coaxed it away. God, why was he being so jumpy? “So maybe it’s time you talked to yourself. Would you like to try?”</p><p>Steven stopped for a moment, genuinely considering her words. Maybe she had a point. Being a hybrid, there was no one that could truly understand how he felt. Maybe this was another option. A chance to figure out how to get better and stop this downwards spiral. The thought excited him more than he expected. Maybe it could work. Or maybe he was just kidding himself. Desperate to believe there wasn’t a certain, inescapable finish to this mess. To not actually be as bad as he thought he was. Deep down he knew the truth - and it <em>hurt</em>. But he needed this. He needed to believe there was another way out.</p><p>He had to try.</p><p>“Okay.”</p><p>White took action immediately, shutting her eyes in focus. He watched in anticipation as her gem lit up the room in a variety of flashing colours, finally settling for a vibrant pink. In turn his gem hummed vigorously. He could hear White’s doing the same. There was a subtle change in how he felt too, almost like a small electric current running though his skin. When he lifted his eyes to look up at her he came face to face with...himself. He knew vaguely what to expect after Spinel’s...demonstration, but actually being part of it felt absolutely insane.</p><p>“Woah. This is so weird! I’m...I’m...”</p><p><em>Everything I was afraid of.</em> He looked just like his mother - that awful, <em>awful</em> gem who hurt so many people. It was undeniable that Steven had stooped to her level. They were one in the same - well, he’d like to believe that. It was no secret he was so much worse now. Still, seeing himself like this was a painful reminder of everything he despised about who he was.</p><p>“I’m a Diamond.”</p><p>His breathing picked up as raw, hot rage took over.</p><p>“This is the last thing I needed to see! I don’t want to be you! I don’t want to be anything <em>like</em> you!”</p><p>He wasn’t even sure who he was shouting at at this point. Was it himself or his mother? Maybe both. He despised them each so much, it was hard to tell. Fuck, he’d never admitted that to himself before, but it was absolutely true. He hated his mother. He hated what she did to his friends. He hated that he had to spend his entire childhood fixing all her mistakes because she was just that selfish to leave him to deal with it all. He hated himself for being so much like her, and he hated that he was <em>still</em> getting worse and had done absolutely nothing to put the brakes on the whole situation.</p><p>“Why don’t you just go <strong>away!</strong>”</p><p>White’s hand smashed into the pillar as he moved. Steven gasped as jagged chunks of it crashed into the marble floor around him. “Don’t hurt me!” He blurted, shielding his face. His heart raced. It’s not even like he was in much danger. This was no where near as bad as most gem situations he’d been in already. Even if some of the debris had fallen right on top of him he’d have been completely fine. “She can’t hurt me, I-I’m controlling her. So...why am I so afraid?”</p><p>He looked up at her, gaze slowly falling down to her hands, and then her long black nails. His abdomen ached. Steven barely realised he was clutching at his gem in reflex. Protecting it. Suddenly it all made sense. It was like he was re-living that horrible moment when she tore him apart. It wasn’t fair. She never apologised. She never even acknowledged it happened. Steven always forgave people for hurting him. He always let it slide when he’d almost been murdered countless times over things his mother had done. Not this time. He’d tried to move on but deep down he knew he’d always fucking resent her for it. He’d had enough of pretending it was okay.</p><p>“She’s the one who should be afraid.”</p><p>Suddenly the roles were reversed. Steven was completely in control for once. He thought about hurting her. Making her suffer just like he did. He couldn’t even try to feel guilty for indulging in it. She deserved this. He thought about shattering her to pieces, that would be just <em>perfect</em> revenge, wouldn’t it?</p><p>Steven moved her like a puppet, forcing her to walk towards a pillar. She seemed to resist somehow, terrified and confused all at once. “No, stop it! I don’t like this!” He didn’t carry a shred of remorse.</p><p>“Too bad.”</p><p>Her fear didn’t phase him. She didn’t stand a chance. Steven didn’t realise how badly he wanted this. The closer she got to the pillar, the more desperate he was to make her hurt. He’d suffered long enough. It was time she had a turn. “Please, you're scaring me!” Adrenaline burned through him. Despite her desperate attempts to resist it, Steven had her grab the pillar and reel her head back away from it.</p><p>“This is for <strong>everything</strong> you put me though!”</p><p>In a flash his skull was smashing hard against it and Steven was met with searing white <em>pain</em>.</p><p>He cried out, gripping his head tight. He swore he heard it crack. Or maybe that was the pillar that was in pieces around him. Probably both. Steven shook in pain, eyes pricked with tears that threatened to fall. He could hear White breathing heavily next to him, understandably shocked at the situation. “What was that?!”</p><p>Steven opened his mouth, trying to utter out a simple ‘I don’t know’. Instead he gritted his teeth, trying to bite back a scream of frustration. Tears pooled in his eyes. “T-this is what’s fucking wrong with me, White! It...it can’t just be <em>fixed</em>!”</p><p>He was in so much pain, in more ways than one. His head understandably hurt from shattering his skull against a pillar, but that would heal soon enough. What was worse was losing all the hope that he could go back to how things were before. Not a fucking chance. There was no way he could keep this up any longer. White stared at him in shock, mouth slightly agape.</p><p>“<em>This</em> is why I came here! I can’t stop hurting people. I’ve tried so <em>hard</em> but I- I thought you could help me and now I just want to hurt you too!” He watched her expression shift. There was a flash of fear in her eyes, but it was quickly replaced with concern and care. Steven hated it.</p><p>“Steven, I- It’s okay. We can help you! You just have to-”</p><p>“Oh, fuck off! You <em>know</em> it’s not okay! Why can’t you just admit it! I’m right! I’m - I’m too dangerous, I-”</p><p>The door to White’s room opened. Blue, Yellow and Spinel rushed in, door shutting behind them.</p><p>“Spinel said she heard shouting, we came as fast as we could.” Sure enough spinel sat perched on Blue’s shoulder, worry plastered over her face. Yellow began to ask if everything was alright but quickly trailed off after seeing the state of the palace, plus the clear tension between Steven and White Diamond. “What on Earth happened here?!”</p><p>Steven tangled his fingers in his curls, tugging hard. He’d tried pretty hard to stay calm and collected, but his plan was unravelling at a rapid pace. He almost wanted to care. It was no secret that it was too fucking late for that. He’d accepted it now. Suddenly he couldn’t hold it back anymore. He needed them to believe him. He needed them to know how bad he was so they’d listen.</p><p>“I shattered Jasper.”</p><p>Stunned silence. His words were choked but there was no doubt they heard him. It was out. Steven never thought it would happen, especially not so soon. He expected fear. Disgust. Anger. He needed them to be afraid. He needed them to understand how awful and dangerous he was. He was desperate.</p><p>Yellow was the first to speak up. “Which Jasper?”</p><p>Steven gawked at her, completely lost for words. He shut and reopened his mouth a few times, struggling to comprehend her response.</p><p>“Wha- what does it matter which!? That’s not the point! I <em>killed</em> someone! Aren’t you bothered?!”</p><p>White frowned. “Oh, Steven, of course we’re bothered! But you have to understand it’s not the end of the world. You know we’ve all made the same mistakes as you, don’t you?”</p><p>“<em>Yes,</em> but it’s-”</p><p>Blue looked on at him sympathetically. “Oh, Steven. It’s alright, we all make mistakes sometimes-"</p><p>“It <em>wasn’t</em> a mistake! It- it was on purpose! Well- it wasn’t but I should know better than that! I can’t even control myself, God, this is my problem! I just keep hurting people and I can’t stop - to be honest I’m not even sure if I really I want to!”</p><p>They were silent, expressions pretty much unreadable. He covered his face with his hands, not knowing whether to scream or cry. He found himself curling his fingernails against his face, dragging them hard down his skin. It burned so good. Steven gasped as small hands teared his arms away from his face. Looking up, he made eye contact with a teary Spinel, trying her best to stop him from hurting himself. He shrugged her off him, begrudgingly crossing his arms instead.</p><p>“God, can’t you just leave me alone? You know I don’t need your help.” He growled.</p><p>Spinel smiled at him sorrowfully. “Sorry Stevie, but if there’s anything you need right now, it’s help. You- you <em>know</em> that.”</p><p>Steven gritted his teeth. “Not like this. You <em>know</em> what I need. Don’t pretend you don’t.”</p><p>White tilted her head. “What is it you need, Steven?“</p><p>“You know! I need you to make me stop! Shatter my gem for all I care! I don’t want this anymore! I’m- I’m <em>done</em> okay?! I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to be <em>her</em>.” He inhaled shakily.
 “<em>Please.</em> Please just do something. I can’t live hurting people like this.”</p><p>Spinel was quick to wrap her arms around him, engulfing him in a tight hug. Recently something like that would cause him to glow pink and shove her away. This time however, he hesitantly wrapped his arms around her too, slowly melting into it. His lip quivered, quickly followed by quiet tears that streamed down his face.</p><p>“We’re not gonna hurt ya, Universe. No way.”</p><p>“Stop it. You <em>should</em>. I’m- I’m dangerous. You should just shatter me.”</p><p>Yellow stepped forwards. “We will do no such thing! What has gotten into you?!”</p><p>Steven snapped his head up at her. “I killed someone. I tried to hurt White. What’s next? You want me to just sit and wait until I hurt someone else? Give me one good fucking reason why I deserve to be here.”</p><p>Blue looked heartbroken. “Steven, don’t talk that way! I’m sure there’s something we can do.”</p><p>Steven put his head in his hands, utterly exhausted after everything that had happened. “Just- stop it. You <em>know</em> there isn’t. You...you don’t have to lie to me, okay? Just go.”</p><p>“I can handle it from here, guys. You go on.” Spinel smiles at them reassuringly. The Diamonds made eye contact with each other for a moment, mutually deciding to listen to her. “Please tell us if you need anything. We’ll be here.” Blue added just before the door shut behind them.</p><p>Spinel came over and sat on the floor beside him. They didn’t speak for a while - Steven appreciated it. He felt so drained. Stars, feelings he’d bottled up for ages were now out in the open. He never even considered telling anyone about Jasper before. They must hate him now. Just like the gems would if they knew. Shit, he’d better make sure the Diamonds knew not to mention this to anyone. He wasn’t ready for that conversation. He couldn’t handle it. The fact the Diamonds knew didn’t feel as bad as he thought it was - well, it was still <em>bad</em>, just not in the way he’d expected. They didn’t sound too concerned about him shattering a gem. Of course, they’d made progress with their change of lifestyle but it wasn’t like they didn’t have a long history of shattering. It clouded their judgement. Steven only wished they’d treat him how he should be treated.
</p><p>After quite a while of sitting in silence, Spinel spoke up. “I get it, ya know?”</p><p>Steven still couldn’t look at her, not after everything that just happened. At least he was ready to break the silence now. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“With Pink. It’s...it’s hard. Ya see them one way your whole life and then they hurt you and...suddenly you see ‘em different. It’s never the same and it’s...it’s hard to get over that. You wanna hurt people because you think it’ll fix everything, but it doesn’t.”</p><p>Of course. Spinel has been hurt by Pink too. She’d spent thousands of years trusting she’d come back, never doubting for a second that Pink would return. She used to have vengeful thoughts. She wanted to make the people who hurt him suffer. They weren’t exactly the same, but he was glad they could empathise with each other in that way. If anyone could relate to him, it would be her.</p><p>“Thanks Spinel, but it’s...it’s <em>me</em> that’s the problem. Not her.”</p><p>She looked up at him, patiently waiting for him to continue.</p><p>“It might have started out that way - I think - but I can’t blame her for all this. It’s my problem. I can’t control my powers. I can’t control my emotions. It’s awful - I <em>know</em> I should feel worse for hurting people, but I just don’t feel as guilty as I should.”</p><p>“They hurt you, it’s understandable that you wanna get revenge.”</p><p>“But I don’t! I don’t want to hurt anyone but I just can’t control myself! It’s like, every time I think about what they did to me I get so <em>angry</em>, a-and then before I know it I’m hurting them again! God, I just don’t want it to be this way.”</p><p>Spinel turned to him, putting her hand on his shoulder. “Hey, I get it. Don’t be so hard on yourself though, sunshine. You’ve been through a lot, you shouldn’t blame yourself for how you react to what happened.”</p><p>He knew she had a bit of a point, but the self hatred would surely overpower whatever sense she had in no time. When Spinel was hurt, she’d attacked the people that hurt her back. He was similar in that way. However, she never really did much damage in the end. Not like him. The Diamonds didn’t really seem to get how bad it was. Shattering had been normal for them for so long, he supposed they were desensitised to it now. Spinel hadn’t commented on the whole shattering thing at all, but she didn’t seem to be holding it against him either. He’d rather not talk about it anyway.  </p><p>“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Thank you Spinel, really.”</p><p>He did really appreciate her trying to help, but he knew it would take more than that to fix anything. Exhaustion was slowly taking over, and therefore he was more than happy to stop talking about it anyway. They strayed away from the subject after that, falling into a comfortable silence between the odd exchange of words.</p><p>“You think you’ll be headin’ home anytime soon?”</p><p>It <em>was</em> getting late, but he’d missed being himself around people without hiding his feelings. Not to mention he was avoiding facing the Gems again, especially after how he’d left. He didn’t even remember when he started feeling the need to lie to them about how he felt. Well, he hadn’t really told Spinel about <em>everything</em> either. The cutting was definitely something he planned on keeping to himself, but this was still more peace than he’d had for a very long while. Steven was just comfortable to sit quietly with her. It was nice. </p><p> “Hm, maybe not just yet.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comments are welcome as always, roast me if you want it’s chill</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: self harm</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey, Universe? You awake?”</p>
<p>“Hmm?”</p>
<p>Steven blinked his eyes open. He was still in the Palace, laying uncomfortably on his side against the cold marble floor. He pushed himself up, rapidly whipping around to look at his surroundings. The dusky peach of sunrise peeked through the large windows of White’s room, which was a good enough indication as any that it was now morning. Shit, he didn’t even remember falling asleep.</p>
<p>“I didn’t wanna wake ya, you looked like you needed the rest.” Spinel tipped back and fourth on her heels, smiling knowingly. He groaned, patting down his pockets for his phone until he remembered he probably didn’t bring it. “Do you know what time it is?”</p>
<p>She grinned. “Nope.”</p>
<p>Right. Time keeping wasn’t really something most gems cared about, especially on Homeworld. Time worked differently on other planets anyway, he supposed. From the sunrise it was safe to say it was pretty early, maybe around 6 or 7ish. God, that was a lot of sleep. The gems were probably worried. Well, the gems were <em>definitely</em> worried - and yet he still couldn’t bring himself to want to go home. What would he say? He couldn’t just keep avoiding them and running away when he was cornered. He hadn’t thought any of this through. He should have hidden it better. He shouldn’t have had a breakdown in front of them. He shouldn’t have ran away. He shouldn’t have told the Diamonds. Wait. “Did you tell the Diamonds not to tell the Gems about-”</p>
<p>“Uhhh about that...”</p>
<p>Steven could feel the heat of his pink glow spreading across his face. “<em>Spinel.</em> What did you do.” He growled. It was hard pretending not to be hurt when he caught a flash of fear in Spinel’s eyes.</p>
<p>“They aren’t gonna tell em anything! Don’t worry about that, but uh, your friends are kinda here. Right now.”</p>
<p>“What!?”</p>
<p>“They figured you’re here, they said they’re not leaving until they see ya.”</p>
<p>Steven groaned, pushing his fingers through his knotted curls. “Fuck, what do they want?” </p>
<p>It wasn’t like he didn’t expect them to come looking for him. Hell, it wasn’t like he actually thought it through anyway. He didn’t think about what his next move would be if they came looking for him, or what he’d do when he eventually had to go back home. And shit, now he was paying the price. He wrapped his arms around his torso, pulling his knees towards his chest.</p>
<p>What was he going to <em>do</em>?</p>
<p>Spinel softened her voice, walking over to sit down next to him. “They looked really worried, Steven.”</p>
<p>He put his head in his hands, dread filling his voice. “I <em>don’t</em> want to see them.”</p>
<p>“Okay, well then what’s ya plan?”</p>
<p>“Huh?”</p>
<p>“Well you can’t just run forever right? You’re gonna have to go back to them eventually,” She turned to him, sporting a more serious expression as she looked him dead in the eye. “So when are ya gonna tell ‘em what you did, Universe?”</p>
<p>Steven teared his gaze away from her, honestly a bit taken aback. He hadn’t heard Spinel sound this serious before - at least, not for a long while. It was unexpected. He didn’t really think she was taking this situation seriously - just as the Diamonds hadn’t. It frustrated him endlessly, even though he knew they had a different view on gem shattering to most people. He groaned internally. God, did he know that. Trying to explain the ethics in regards to murder to the Diamonds was a difficult thing he was tasked with during the process of redeeming them. But now that he was thinking about it, what did he expect? Did he really think they were going to take him seriously? Did he expect that telling them would be helpful? That them of all people would know what to do with him?</p>
<p>Admittedly, it did feel good to tell <em>someone</em>. Trying to keep it quiet had almost killed him. Well, when he did tell them he’d half expected it to end that way for some stupid reason - he was almost disappointed that it <em>hadn’t</em>. That was weird. He pushed the thought down, swallowing hard. That didn’t sound like something he wanted to think about.</p>
<p>Anyway, Spinel hadn’t said anything about it before. It was fair to assume she was trying to remain neutral while he was upset, refusing to give him any idea of how she really felt. She’d done a pretty good job of pretending it wasn’t an issue - but Steven could read between the lines. He knew she was afraid of him at least a little bit. He saw her flinch when he raised his voice or moved too harshly. He saw the nervousness that took over her expression for a spit second before disappearing again. Steven knew she still cared about him, but the damage was done. Nobody could blame her for being on edge. While he was hurt by it, deep down he didn’t entirely trust himself not to hurt her. It was a scary thought. Being pressured to face the gems was not helping either. Steven squeezed his eyes shut, exhaling deeply. “Spinel...be honest with me.”</p>
<p>“Hm?”</p>
<p>He picked at his hands, still not feeling ready to look her in the eye. “You know I was serious, right? You <em>know</em> I shattered someone - but it’s like you’re pretending you’re not even phased. Why won’t you just bring it up?”</p>
<p>Spinel was silent. Steven decided to brave peeking up at her. She had her head bowed towards the floor, though didn’t actually seem to be looking at anything in particular. He noticed the slightest bit of tension in her face - almost the hint of a grimace. She looked deeply in thought. Troubled. Hurt. Or was it anxiety? Either way, she was holding something back - and trying not to show it. Steven’s heart sank. He’d suspected it from the beginning but her reaction had confirmed it. Knowing he’d frightened her that badly made him feel terrible.<em> As it should, right? You’re a danger to her after all. </em></p>
<p>“Spinel, come on.” He tried. “It’s...it’s <em>fine</em> if you don’t trust me now.” He mumbled. “It’s not like I can blame you.”</p>
<p>Very quietly, she spoke up. “It’s not like <em>that</em>.”</p>
<p>Spinel finally looked up, locking eyes with him. He figured she didn’t expect him to be looking back at her because she immediately snapped her gaze away, looking down at her lap instead. “I know ya wouldn’t hurt me...you’re...you’re Steven Universe, after all. You’re a saint.” She forced a bit of a playful smirk. Steven wanted to believe she was being genuine, even though it <em>had</em> to be a lie. He’d killed someone. She knew that, there was no <em>way</em> she thought he was a good person. So why was she lying? </p>
<p>Admittedly, the part that <em>really</em> hurt was if she’d said something like that a month ago, she would have been pretty much correct. He’d never wanted to hurt anyone. Never. But then he’d started getting these awful feelings. He couldn’t control himself. He got mad and he yelled and he broke things. Hell, he completely <em>destroyed</em> his fathers van with him inside. He could have died. That wasn’t exactly something a good person would do. <br/><br/>Spinel made him want to believe he was still that person who’d help every living thing he came across, but it hardly crossed his mind these days. He spent most of his time distracting himself so he didn’t have to deal with the fact that <em>nobody </em>even needed him anymore. He was supposed to help people - that was <em>all</em> he was supposed to do - and now that he’d lost that, what did he have? Steven bit the inside of his cheek until he tasted copper. It was quickly becoming a familiar taste to him - and he didn’t mind it as much as he probably should.</p>
<p>He sighed, losing patience. “Cut the shit Spinel, I <em>know</em> you’re afraid I’m gonna hurt you.” He tried not to let any emotion show through in his voice. She couldn’t know how badly it hurt him. He wasn’t about to make her feel guilty for his actions.</p>
<p>“Steven! I-” She took a deep breath. “I trust you, okay? No matter what happened.” She looked him in the eye this time. He stared back intensely, determined to catch her if she were lying. Her magenta eyes didn’t falter once. She <em>was</em> telling the truth, as far as he could tell. He leaned back, exhaling. “Okay...”</p>
<p>Her answer just wasn’t satisfying, even though he believed her. It didn’t make sense. Not at first - but then the awful realisation hit him and he suddenly understood. He didn’t trust himself. It didn’t matter if she thought he wouldn’t hurt him because deep down, he <em>knew</em> he just might. He didn’t have control of himself, not at all. It was really quite worrying knowing that he might slip up and hurt someone he really cares about. History suggested there was a good chance he might make that mistake - if he wasn’t careful enough. And he wasn’t <em>good</em> at being careful. Jasper didn’t deserve what he did to her, but that didn’t stop him, and if <em>that</em> didn’t stop him, then what would?</p>
<p>The worst part was it had felt good. Being able to use his powers to their full potential, finally letting go and letting out all his pent up anger felt wonderful. He’d never escape the fact that even though it was just for a split second, he actually <em>enjoyed</em> hurting her. </p>
<p>
  <em>Stars, what a monster you are.</em>
</p>
<p>Steven wrapped his arms around his torso subconsciously. Very quickly his hands found his arms, and without thinking he pushed his fingers beneath the sleeves and started picking at the skin. Soon enough his nails were digging into the flesh with enough force to leave little red crescent shaped imprints behind. A dark feeling in the back of his mind reminded him that this was becoming a bit of a habit and he should probably stop, but he couldn’t think of a good enough reason to. He liked the feeling. It made him feel grounded, giving him something to focus on when he felt like he was spiralling. What was wrong with that? Surely it was good for him to have some form of control over himself. This worked. This worked <em>brilliantly</em> - and it felt damn <em>good</em>.</p>
<p>“So...”</p>
<p>Steven jumped, immediately letting go of his flesh. Wide eyed, he studied Spinels expression. She looked...pretty much as neutral as she had before. He exhaled. Good. That meant she hadn’t noticed what he was doing. He kept his arms crossed, gracefully hiding any marks he might have left. There was no way he wanted to deal with that shit right now.</p>
<p>”What are you gonna do about your friends? I’m pretty sure they’re still waitin’ out there for ya.” She pointed at the door behind her with her thumb. Steven facepalmed, groaning. “I’m gonna have to face them, aren’t I?”</p>
<p>She scratched the back of her neck anxiously. “Yeahhh, I mean, they were bein’ pretty persistent. You’ll have to do something about it or they aren’t gonna leave.”</p>
<p>He was dreading it, big time. It wouldn’t be so bad if he hadn’t dug himself more and more of a hole during every interaction he’d had with them so far. Shit, he sucked at lying. They’d have so many questions - he just knew it. Avoiding it would be a dream, but it would be silly to think that was even an option. Fucking hell, what was he gonna say? How was he gonna keep quiet about everything when they were back home? How would he control himself enough to not make the same errors as before? Oh god, he did not want to do this.</p>
<p>“Hey. It’s alright, Universe.”</p>
<p>Steven covered his face with his hands. “I- I can’t tell them about Jasper. I’m not telling them.”</p>
<p>She looked like she was going to put her hand on him but changed her mind at the last second, hovering it in the air awkwardly for a moment before dropping it back beside her. “Steven, they care about you, right?”</p>
<p>“Y-yeah.”</p>
<p>“Then they’ll understand. I don’t see why they wouldn’t try to help you out after everythin’ you’ve been through. Hell, <em>I</em> tried to kill you and ya still wouldn’t give up on me, and if they’re anything like you, they won’t give up either.” She smiled gently. Despite Steven’s worry, Spinel did provide some form of comfort. Deep down he knew she was right - in the sense that he couldn’t keep it from them forever. Especially something so awful. What was his alternative plan anyway? Just pretend it never happened? No matter how awful it was for him, it was a thousand times shittier to do that to Jasper. He was really going to gloss over her death and try to get away with it for as long as possible? That was wrong in every sense. They deserved to know, and he deserved whatever punishment they decided to give him.</p>
<p>“Okay.” He inhaled shakily. “Okay, I guess I should probably go find them.”</p>
<p>Spinel stood up, offering a hand. “I’m right behind ya, Universe. Don’t worry.”</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>To Steven’s dismay, they found the gems pretty quickly. His chest tightened as he saw them - with the Diamonds might he add. They looked like they were barely tolerating each other’s company, yet didn’t seem to take advantage of the fact they <em>could</em> stand elsewhere if they wanted. It reminded Steven of a photo Peridot sent him of a bunch of cats sitting on a tree stump together, each pretending the other cats didn’t exist. On a better day the image would have amused him a little. This time he was too focused on how he felt like his lung capacity was decreasing with every step. His brain wanted nothing more than to bolt the other way, yet his body seemed to be on autopilot, keeping him walking towards them. <em>One step at a time. Come on.</em></p>
<p>Pearl was the first to notice them. He knew she’d be a wreck, but she looked utterly <em>exhausted</em>. To anyone else it would seem odd because gems don’t even need sleep, however Steven had grown quite talented at spotting when she’d worried herself to fatigue. It wasn’t exactly a common event, but when it did happen, he was almost always the cause. Of course, this was one of those times. He bit his lip, trying to bury the guilt for the time being. When she laid eyes on him she looked relieved initially, but it didn’t take long for her brows to furrow with deep worry.</p>
<p>“Steven!”</p>
<p>When hearing Pearls cry to him, the other gems snapped their heads up. The Diamonds just looked pleased to see he was up. The gems on the other hand looked almost grief stricken. They seemed to have learnt from previous experiences not to back him into a corner. Instead they stood in place, concern growing more and more as he got closer to them. Steven gulped. “Hi, guys.”</p>
<p>“Steven, are you...alright?” Pearl seemed hesitant to ask. He supposed history would suggest he wasn’t doing well at all, so there was no point even asking. Or maybe she was hesitant because of the way he’d reacted all the other times she’d tried to connect with him. Jesus, was there anyone he hadn’t hurt?</p>
<p>“Y-yeah. I’m...I’m good.”</p>
<p>Spinel gave him a look. He didn’t really mean to lie, it just...came naturally. God, that was bad wasn’t it? It wasn’t even a <em>good</em> lie. It served no purpose because they saw through it instantly. He said he’d tell them. At the very least he could be honest about his feelings, right? It wasn’t the end of the world that he slipped up just then. It’s not like he couldn’t change his answer, this time telling them how he really felt. So why didn’t he do it? The opportunity was there. What was stopping him? Why was it so hard? Why couldn’t he do it? He felt himself losing control, heart racing. <em>Keep it together. They’re watching you.</em></p>
<p>“Dude...you don’t <em>look</em> good.”</p>
<p>Steven scowled. “Wow, thanks.” He supposed Amethyst wasn’t wrong - it had been a while since he’d eaten or got to a shower - but he couldn’t say he appreciated the comment. It wasn’t a secret that he hadn’t been taking care of himself; he didn’t need her to point it out.</p>
<p>White Diamond cleared her throat, forcing a smile that couldn’t have looked more fake if she tried. “I think we’ll leave you four to it. Spinel?”</p>
<p>Spinel waved her off. “I’ll catch up with ya, don’t worry.”</p>
<p>Yellow raised an eyebrow. “Suit yourself. We’ll be in the Palace if you need us.”</p>
<p>Steven appreciated Spinel staying by his side. He was struggling to talk to the gems even with her support; he’d have no chance if she left him alone. Just before the Diamonds turned the corner, Steven caught White’s eye. She looked almost apologetic - which was the last thing he expected after everything that happened yesterday. He didn’t deserve anyone’s sympathy, but he especially didn’t deserve hers. It left a bad feeling in his gut.</p>
<p>Once the Diamonds were out of sight Garnet knelt down to his level, removing her visor to look him in the eye properly. She only ever did that on rare occasions when she was really trying to connect with him. Steven had practically been hard-wired to get nervous by the action.</p>
<p>“Steven, I need you to know we are here if you need us.” Garnet’s voice was quiet and clear, like she was explaining something very important to a child. She’d never sounded so serious before. It frightened him. Amethyst and Pearl nodded in agreement. There was a long pause while they waited for Steven to respond. He quickly realised they were expecting him to open up this time. They were giving an opportunity to do so. To just say something. <em>Anything.</em> They weren’t trying to pressure him. They were calm. Open. Patient. This was his chance to tell them what was really going on. They were ready to listen. It wasn’t even like it could go badly. Either they’d react well or reject him because he was undoubtedly a monster, and that was what he deserved. What was there to be worried about? Spinel looked at him with encouragement. He swallowed.</p>
<p>“I...”</p>
<p>His tongue felt like lead in his mouth. He didn’t know how to start. What did they expect him to say? Did they even know what they were getting themselves into? Sure, it was obvious something was really wrong with him he doubted they’d expect that he <em>killed</em> someone. He wondered if Garnet saw it as one of his futures. He also wondered if she’d simply shrugged it off, believing that Steven would never do something like that. </p>
<p>Shit, he didn’t want to do this.</p>
<p>He found himself clenching his fists, blunt nails pressing hard into the skin of his palm. It was all he could do to keep himself together in this situation. Thinking back to the kitchen knife, he wished he could do more damage. God, that was bad. He was already thinking about it again. When Amethyst glanced down at his fists Steven panicked, releasing his grip. As much as he longed to rip himself apart, he’d rather the gems didn’t watch. He only hoped he could hold out until he was back in the safety of his bedroom.</p>
<p>The silence kept stretching on. Steven kept opening and closing his mouth, trying his hardest to just utter out something. Anything. <em>Why can’t you just talk to them?</em> Eventually the gems seemed to lose hope, deflating slightly. He saw Pearl cover her mouth and turn away, eyes welling up with tears. <em>You’ve only gone and done it again, Universe. How many more people can you hurt?</em> He swallowed, desperately trying to hold back his own tears. Their disappointment was clear. Hell, he was disappointed in himself too. It hurt to know they were starting to see him as a lost cause, but <em>he’d</em> made them feel that way in the first place so it would be fucking stupid to feel sorry for himself over it. The pressure on his chest was agonising. Crushing. He tried to remember how to breathe but it just wasn’t working. He looked up to Spinel for reassurance. It was a kick to the stomach to see she was sporting a similar expression to the gems. <em>No. Not her too.</em></p>
<p>With the gems, he’d grown used to it. He’s spent pretty much his whole childhood messing things up for them - it was hardly a new development to see disappointment written over their faces but Spinel? She understood him the most out of everyone he’d spoken to recently. She had been hurt like he had - and even <em>she</em> was losing confidence he could pull himself out of this! <em>That lasted long, didn’t it? Maybe you’re just not worth it anymore. </em></p>
<p>And with that it was just too much. He bolted. He ran and he ran, weaving past gems and buildings until he felt he was far enough away from them - and if the gems cried out for him as he ran, he didn’t hear them. He turned sharply, finding himself in a small gap between two of Homeworld’s structures. It was there he collapsed on his knees, feeling the burn of them scuffing against the ground. He expected to feel safer here but his breathing only seemed to pick up more. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. <strong>Stop it.</strong> He clawed at his arm with a sense of urgency, like if he dug deep enough he’d stop this feeling if utter doom and dread he couldn’t seem to shake. The hot scratches on his skin were <em>something</em>, but it wasn’t enough to ground him this time. He gripped down harder, clenching his jaw. It wasn’t working. It wasn’t enough. Why wasn’t it enough. He needed to get out. He needed to breathe. Why couldn’t he breathe?</p>
<p>The thumping of his heartbeat was all he could hear as he dragged his nails down with more desperation, leaving decently large red stripes from his wrist to his elbow. <em>You can do better than that.</em> Teeth dug into the flesh. God, why was he so fucking weak. Why wasn’t he feeling better. Why didn’t it hurt?<br/>He bit down harder, enjoying the satisfying crunch as the tendons crumpled beneath his molars. He didn’t ease up until the familiar taste of iron covered his tongue, and holy <em>fuck</em>, it was good. He pulled his mouth away, assessing the damage. He didn’t realise how much he’d missed seeing his own blood highlighted against his pale skin. Steven was beginning to long for something just that bit sharper.</p>
<p>“Steven?! Oh my god.”</p>
<p>His heard practically leaped out of his chest as he fumbled to sit up straight. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.</p>
<p>“Spinel! How did, uh, how did you know I was here?” His voice wavered. He tried so hard to sound casual but he was fucking panicking. He’d hoped she hadn’t noticed anything but there wasn’t a chance in hell she could miss it. His arms were littered in scratch marks, ranging from pink and raised to deep and red. The bite marks were the worst of it - deep purple imprints of his teeth along the top of his wrist. Blood was smeared down his hand. He could feel it drying on his lips too. He must have looked like he’d been attacked by an animal - although there was no hiding that he did it to himself.</p>
<p>Steven dared to look up at her. She wore an almost unreadable expression, mouth slightly agape. He’d expected horror or concern and while those were <em>definitely</em> present, she looked almost...bewildered. Like she didn’t quite understand this sick puzzle she was forced to piece together.</p>
<p>“...What happened?”</p>
<p>The question sounded innocent enough, but her tone suggested it was a challenge. A test to see if he could bullshit his way through this one. Or maybe she didn’t want to believe that he was fucked up enough to do this to himself. Spinel had caught him scratching at his face in the Palace the previous night, but she didn’t seem to think anything of it just that one time. With this too though? He could almost see the cogs moving in her head, piecing together the horror of the situation. And oh my god, he was <em>fucked</em>.</p>
<p>His jaw stuttered, opening and closing continually as he tried to come up with a response. Luckily (or very <em>very</em> unluckily) Spinel beat him to it.</p>
<p>Her voice was small and fragile. “Why did you do that...?”</p>
<p>Steven squeezed his eyes shut. Stars, this was terrible. This was really, really terrible. He did not want to be here. He did <em>not</em> want to be here. Before he knew it Spinel was grabbing his wrists, tugging his hands away from his arms. Shit. He didn’t even realise he was doing it again. Her grip was strong, but he didn’t even have the energy to fight back. When Spinel realised this she let go, allowing his arms to fall down limply beside him.</p>
<p><em>Breathe</em>.</p>
<p>How long has she even been standing there, watching him rip himself to pieces? She shouldn’t have to witness what a pathetic mess he was. Fuck, she must think he was a freak. How could he have been so stupid not to check if he was being followed? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.</p>
<p>“Hey. Don’t say that.”</p>
<p>Shit. He supposed he didn’t say <em>that</em> in his head, then. But honestly, did it even matter if she knew anymore? This was the second breakdown she’d witnessed in the last two days - could he <em>really</em> make it any worse? What was one more slip up? He might as well let it all out. Regardless, he’d be very lucky to get a say in the matter after all that she’d seen. He was well and truly backed into a corner.</p>
<p>“Stevie? Can you hear me?”</p>
<p>Steven felt a hand clasp down on his shoulder. He jumped, eyes snapping up to Spinel’s equally panicked face. Right. He’d gotten pretty deep in his own head there. <em>Maybe it would be nice if you replied to her instead of worrying her even more?</em></p>
<p>“Y-yeah. Sorry.” He gasped.</p>
<p>She exhaled. “Okay.”</p>
<p>Steven watched her eyes study him, probably assessing the damage. His face felt hot, although he wasn’t sure it was from glowing pink or shame. He tugged his sleeves down, wincing slightly as the rough fabric brushed against his new wounds. Spinel was being pretty quiet, which was admittedly discomforting - especially since she was so hard to read. While she was incredibly expressive at times, she also did a decent job at hiding her emotions when she really wanted to. At the very least he could tell she wasn’t happy about what he had done, though that was pretty much a given. </p>
<p>“Can’t you just heal it?” She asked bluntly.</p>
<p>The question caught him off guard a little. “I- uh. Yeah. I can.”</p>
<p>Her eyes narrowed. “You don’t want to, do you?” </p>
<p>He could barely stand to look at her. She was right. She was absolutely right. The first time he was incredibly careful to hide his tracks, but now? It wasn’t a conscious decision to not heal himself but it was true that he didn’t <em>want</em> the marks to go away. As fucked up as it was, seeing them kind of made him feel better somehow. Plus, the cuts and scratches were the only valid proof he had that he wasn’t okay. No happy person would do that, right? He wasn’t pretending. He really, <em>really</em> wasn’t fine. Even though he was planning on keeping this to himself it was nice to have just that. Silent evidence that he had a problem. A little reminder that he really was fucked up. </p>
<p>Her brows were furrowed. She was staring at him like he was entirely alien, and after a second of consideration that made sense. This wasn’t something gems could do, and even if they could he doubted they’d even think of it. Hell, he was pretty sure no one would think of it, even on Earth. “I...I don’t get it,” she continued, “I understand why you’re upset, but <em>this</em>? What purpose does it serve? It must hurt your form, right?”</p>
<p>Steven felt his cheeks get hotter, certainly out of shame this time. This was absolutely not what he wanted to talk about, although seeing that he was kind of backed into a corner with her, he figured it would be better trying to explain himself than leave her thinking he was an absolute freak. He paused for a moment, trying to form a response that didn’t make him sound completely batshit crazy.</p>
<p>“It um. I-it makes me feel better. I...I don’t know why I like it. I think it just...gives me something to focus on I guess. It’s better than feeling like <em>this</em>.”</p>
<p>The words didn’t come easy. He stuttered and stammered his way through but eventually managed to get some form of an explanation out. Spinel didn’t seem completely satisfied with the answer, but she didn’t press for more detail either. Steven was glad - he really would rather keep it to himself. Spinel probably had more than enough on her plate already, especially after everything Pink did to her. He was certain she was still dealing with all that baggage, but it made him appreciate her taking the time to care for him, even if he didn’t deserve any of it. The tension seemed to die down after that, which they were both more than thankful for.</p>
<p>“So uh, is this a human thing?”</p>
<p>He shook his head, huffing out a dry laugh. “I don’t think this is an <em>anyone</em> thing.”</p>
<p>Jesus, it was embarrassing. But in a way, it was nice having someone to talk to. Steven had seen her at her worst, and so he had some amount of faith (or hope) that she wouldn’t just drop him at his worst either. It didn’t feel as bad as trying to talk to Connie or the gems. This was a new side of him - a side he wanted to keep far away from them for as long as he could.</p>
<p>“Spinel? You...you won’t tell anyone about this, will you?”</p>
<p>She furrowed her brows, quietly thinking. The longer she was silent, the more anxious he felt. Nevertheless, he trusted her. He was pretty confident she wouldn’t do anything to harm him further.</p>
<p>She shook her head. “I...I don’t know what to do, Universe”</p>
<p>“Please.” He begged. “I really can’t deal with them knowing about this.”</p>
<p>Her expression softened, and though her eyes were still sad and endlessly worried, he knew she was giving in. “I just- I don’t like seeing you like this. I wanna believe you’ll look after yourself but..”</p>
<p>Steven was starting to panic. They couldn’t know about this. As stupid as it sounded he needed this. If the gems found out they’d probably freak out and try to stop him, and then what? What would he have left? He wouldn’t have a fucking clue on how to deal with his feelings, that was for sure. There wasn’t an alternative. He might be pathetic for it but if this was the only thing that helped, he couldn’t bare to lose it.</p>
<p>”Okay, Universe. I trust you, but don’t you think your friends deserve to know <em>something</em>? They’re really worried about ya, kid. You saw them.”</p>
<p>He supposed she was right. No matter how scared he was or how awful he felt, realistically he couldn’t keep doing this to them. He was pretty certain they should be at Little Homeschool right about now, and yet they were here worrying about him. He was starting to feel pretty guilty for it. Whatever the outcome, telling them about Jasper was completely out of the question right now. Even if he deserved it, having them react badly would hurt him deeply. He wasn’t in a place to risk that pain. Nevertheless, he <em>had</em> been avoiding talking about his feelings. Sure, Garnet knew a little about his proposal to Connie but there wasn’t much more he’d been open about. He’d bottled his feelings up for a while now, way before the Jasper thing even occurred - but that was still important, wasn’t it? Maybe he could bring himself to admit that much and the worst parts could wait.</p>
<p>Steven exhaled shakily, beginning to regret his words before they even left his mouth. “O-okay. I’ll talk to them. For real this time.”</p>
<p>Her face lit up. “Are you sure?”</p>
<p>He swallowed. “Yeah. I can tell them a bit about how I’ve been feeling, at least. They deserve that much.”</p>
<p>Spinel silently wrapped him in a tight hug. He tried to bite back a hiss of pain as she brushed against his arms. When Spinel quickly let go, worry written all over her face, he knew he didn’t succeed. Oh no.</p>
<p>She glanced at him hesitantly, looking pretty much as uncomfortable as he was. “I don’t like to see you like this, Steven. I really hope you lay off hurting yourself like that.”</p>
<p>And here he was looking forwards to getting back home. Even thinking about the damage he could do made his heart race. Knife gracing against his skin. Blood trickling away. Dripping to the floor. Red against white. Steven balled his hands into fists. He didn’t like her seeing him like this. Spinel looked at him with this...deep <em>concern</em> etched into her face - and he hated it. He hated that he worried her so much. He hated that she cared for him. He hated that he knew he’d feel so guilty the next time he did it. And god, he hated that he <em>knew</em> he was going to lie to her about it.</p>
<p>“I-I’m sorry. I’ll try, really.”</p>
<p>—</p>
<p>The gems looked hurt when he got back. Well, ‘hurt’ was a very toned down version of what he came back to. Steven really felt guilty for doing this to them. They must be so stressed trying to look out for him. So worried. They put way too much effort into caring about him; and stars, he wished they didn’t have to.</p>
<p>This time, he wouldn’t run. He hated what he did, but he also hated the way he reacted to it. The gems didn’t deserve to be left hanging like that, not having a clue when he’d come back or why he was even behaving that way in the first place. He assumed Garnet took a peek into his future. How could she resist? Although, he was fairly confident she wouldn’t be able to predict <em>this</em>. Not with how all over the place he was. Jesus, <em>he</em> didn’t even have a clue what he was doing. Well, the one thing he <em>did</em> know was that he was guilty and was finally going to sort it out, even if they were only going to see the tip of the iceberg.</p>
<p>”Can we head home? I...I think it’s time we talked.”</p>
<p>It was a step forwards - he was terrified, of course, but progress was progress. He hoped it would be a small weight off his chest at least, regardless of the fact there was so much worse going on that he couldn’t even bare to talk about. </p>
<p>This wasn’t a particularly big deal. They’d talked about his feelings plenty of times and they were always supportive. Even so, he had (probably irrational) doubts that it would go well. Part of him wasn’t really going to mind much if it didn’t, honestly. The guilt only came with making them worry - and if they weren’t worried, well...</p>
<p>Then he had an awful lot less to lose. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yo if you haven’t seen that cat picture it’s here: https://i.pinimg.com/originals/af/c9/f1/afc9f157845383e199d99ae1e8421368.jpg</p>
<p>I do like Spinel and Steven’s friendship, I kinda wish they had more time to hang out in future</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>READ THE TAGS FOR TRIGGER WARNINGS!</p><p>I’m pretty sure you all know what you’re getting yourselves into by reading this so I’d rather not write specific warnings in every chapter (to avoid spoiling it), though if that’s something that bothers you please tell me and I’ll continue doing it! </p><p>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“That’s why I’ve been acting so off lately. I-I’m sorry, guys. I shouldn’t have tried to hide it from you.”</p><p>Steven felt like his chest was caving in. This was terrifying. This was absolutely terrifying. The words sounded so foreign coming out of his mouth. It was something he’d only ever heard in his own head, and now it was out in the open. They knew. Well, they knew a little bit. Barely anything, to be honest. It shouldn’t have been so hard to tell them that he wasn’t feeling to great recently. I’m the grand scheme of things - especially after he murdered someone - it shouldn’t matter. Even so, it was still terrifying being open like this. He battled though anxiety and nausea, hoping Spinel was right and they wouldn’t react badly. God, he hoped they wouldn’t react badly. He didn’t actually have an alternative plan. He supposed the only reason they <em>might</em> not react horribly was because he’d left the worst parts out. Feeling bad was one thing, but hurting other people for it was another. He was sure they’d agree if they knew more, but that just wasn’t going to happen.</p><p>When he had finished speaking he winced, expecting them to be angry - but they <em>weren’t</em> angry. Steven was almost surprised. They...they trusted him. They <em>loved</em> him - and then it all came flooding back. They’d been through so much together and the gems had stuck with him through it all. He wondered why he ever hid his feelings. Of course they’d care. The gems were always there for him, no matter what. They hugged him tightly, squishing him mercilessly between them, and wow, he really had missed it. He missed feeling loved like this. The relief that they didn’t hate him was exhilarating.</p><p>They talked quite a bit after that. Steven was careful to keep up a solid barrier between the things he could talk to them about and the things he couldn’t. They listened to him carefully, making sure they made a mental note of what he needed to be better. It was painful talking about his feelings, but it was also nice having them listen to him, <em>really</em> listen. After the long chat died down, the gems refused to leave his side. For the first time in a while, Steven was happy to snuggle up with his family, eating trash while watching a movie like they did when he was a kid. For a moment, everything finally felt okay.</p><p>So...what was that awful looming feeling of dread that he couldn’t seem to shake?</p><p>Oh, that was right. It wasn’t okay. He hadn’t told them about Jasper. It was pathetic, really, thinking they actually cared about him even though he’d conveniently left out the fact he was a shatterer. This wasn’t over. There was no happily ever after - because he was a murderer, and that would never change. That sinking feeling in his gut was becoming oh so familiar.</p><p><em>Wow, Universe. You really never fail to disappoint yourself</em>.</p><p>But...the gems looked so happy. So relieved. When he told them about how he was feeling, constantly worried that his unruly powers would end up hurting someone, they understood. They were there for him. The best part was they <em>believed</em> him. Well, it wasn’t a lie really, but it wasn’t even mildly the full truth. He knew he wouldn’t tell them. No way. They were finally on good terms again, and despite all that was going on in his head, he looked like he was finally a step closer to being content. He didn’t want to feel bad. He wanted <em>this</em>. He wanted to be loved. He wanted everything to feel normal and happy again just how it used to. Steven gritted his teeth.</p><p>So he was going to <em>make</em> it happen.</p><p>After all, what was the point in moping around miserably all day? He wanted to be better. Now that the gems weren’t worrying so much, he could be! He studied their faces. They were smiling faintly, eyes glued on the TV. They weren’t worrying about him. He didn’t <em>have</em> to feel bad. Well, they didn’t have to know how he felt. They didn’t suspect anything, so they didn’t need to know anything and he would be just fine! So what if he felt the urge to pick at the scabs under his sleeve? He could probably add a few more too, he’d been dying to all day. And so what if he was completely awful and still losing control? The gems were finally off his back and he could take care of himself. He could make a happy ending because after all, he knew himself better than anyone.</p><p>And he knew just what would make him feel better.</p><p>—</p><p>Things had been looking up since he was honest with the gems. It had only been a day or two but having that weight off his chest was definitely an improvement. They were spending more time together, which was nice. Plus, he’d been showering and eating as normal. Well, maybe he wasn’t eating as much as he probably should but that was fine. He could probably do with the weight loss. He only did that stuff to convince them he was okay. No no, he <em>was</em> okay. He was doing good. It was just such an effort to cook, so he wouldn’t bother unless they realised he hadn’t eaten yet. After all, he didn’t want them to think anything was wrong. Nothing was wrong!</p><p>No, he wouldn’t go back to how things were before.</p><p>–</p><p>Maybe Steven was incorrect about them being completely off his back. When he was in his room or the bathroom they left him alone but aside from that? They were constantly around. Sometimes they tried to get him to open up. Sometimes it worked. Most of the time however, Steven buried that shit as deep as possible. There was so much going on in his head, but he didn’t want to entertain any of it. He didn’t want to feel bad. He was trying to work on feeling better by himself, although that was becoming increasingly difficult with the gems constantly hovering over him. Every time he thought about taking that knife upstairs with him, they were watching. It drove him absolutely mad. He was <em>so</em> frustrated - and then the longer he couldn’t have it, the more he wanted it. His body absolutely ached to get that feeling again. Sure, his nails and teeth did something but it couldn’t compare to the sensation of cold metal cutting into his flesh. Seeing the blood made his heart race. He wanted it bad. Really, really bad. The only thing keeping him together was the fact that tomorrow was a Monday, meaning the gems would all be going back to little homeschool again. He’d finally get time alone, and he was absolutely <em>thrilled</em>. He was looking forwards to indulging in his guilty pleasure with no one around. Actually, guilty pleasure probably wouldn’t be what he’d refer to it as. He didn’t feel even slightly guilty. It didn’t hurt anyone. His mind flashed back to Spinel. Okay, so he felt a little bit guilty. He knew he would lie the moment she asked him to stop. He wondered if she knew he was lying too. Either way, she wouldn’t know if he kept the promise or not. His healing powers still worked. There was no reason why she’d have to find out.</p><p>Sure, he felt guilty, but not enough to keep a promise.</p><p>—</p><p>Monday rolled around, and Steven was excited. He loved the gems but they really were suffocating sometimes. Actually, a lot of the time. Having some time to himself would be nice, plus there were plenty of things he could occupy himself with. Well, what he’d specifically been desperate to do was no secret, but he wasn’t some kind of animal. He could wait. He didn’t have to do it right now. Steven’s expression twisted. Okay, maybe he couldn’t wait. It was all he’d been thinking about since he got back from Homeworld. It was probably quite morbid, really, waiting for your family members to go out so that you can cut yourself in peace. They wouldn’t be too pleased about it - at all, but then again, they didn’t have to know. Steven got out of bed, stretching. God, what time was it? Where was his phone, anyway? He supposed it didn’t matter - the gems always left early so he knew they’d been gone by now regardless. Oh, how he was looking forwards to it. Despite his ever present exhaustion, Steven practically tumbled down the stairs, narrowly avoiding falling on his face when he got to the bottom.</p><p>“Woah, Schtu-ball. Careful on the stairs!”</p><p>Steven practically gave himself whiplash from the speed he snapped his head up.</p><p>“Holy shit! <em>Dad!</em> Why are you here?!”</p><p>Greg looked almost as surprised as Steven, albeit he’d never heard him swear before, so that made sense. After the initial panic had died down, Greg furrowed his brows. “Didn't Pearl tell you? She said you weren’t feeling well and wanted me to come over while they were out. Plus, I haven’t seen you for a while, kiddo! How have you been?”</p><p>A million thoughts ran through the gems head. He pushed his curls back, trying to process what the fuck was happening. So, his dad was gonna be here all day. Wait, Pearl said he was sick? Did she tell Greg about his mental issues? Or was she lying to make an excuse for him to be there? <em>Oh my god. They don’t trust me by myself anymore.</em> What did they think he’d do? Had they caught on to what was really going on with him? Was this a permanent thing? They couldn’t babysit him constantly, right? Jesus, he wouldn’t be able to do anything while his father was present. Oh fuck, he wasn’t sure he could last that long. He was desperate for it. He needed it, he-</p><p>A hand clasped down on his shoulder. “Steven, you...you don’t look good. Do you need some water?”</p><p>By the time Steven opened his mouth Greg was already halfway to the sink. He picked a glass out of the cupboard and began carefully filling it to the brim. I hope it’s nothing too serious, kiddo. Is there anything else you need?”</p><p><em>I need you to leave</em>. Steven shook his head. No, he shouldn’t be like that. Although Steven had been mad about the whole Mr Universe thing, wrecking his van seemed like enough payback. He owed Greg one, really. He hadn’t spoken to him since it happened. Greg should be furious at him, he had every right to be after all. The least Steven could do was sort his shit out while he was here. He straightened up, picking a suitable spot on the sofa. “I’m sure I’ll be fine, but thanks, dad..”</p><p>Greg handed him the glass before taking a seat beside him. “If you’re sure, bud...but don’t be afraid to ask for anything...”</p><p>Steven put on the best smile he could. “I appreciate it.”</p><p>It was pretty nerve wracking being so close to Greg with only a sleeve concealing his secrets. One wrong move and he’d know everything. It made him feel weirdly exposed and uncomfortable, yet those negative feelings only made him want to tear his skin up more. Part of him wanted to pretend Greg wasn’t there, run up to that cutlery drawer and hack himself apart with that knife. Obviously he’d never go through with it though. It was pure fantasy. However, the urge never seemed to die down. In fact, it probably got stronger every time he thought about it. Jesus, what was he going to do with Greg all day? Steven really really wasn’t feeling up to it, but he couldn’t get him to leave. Not after every bad thing he’d done to him already. He wished there was a way to please them both. Wait...</p><p>He had an idea, and it was absolutely genius.</p><p>“I was just about to make breakfast,” he started slowly, barely able to contain his giddiness. “Would you like anything? Y’know, after I destroyed your van I feel like I really owe you. I know it doesn’t make up for it but...I thought it would be a good start, at least.”</p><p>Greg turned to him, distress written over his face. “Steven, it was an accident! You don’t have to do anything for me!”</p><p>“I know, I know. But I’d like to. How’s together breakfast sound? I’ll make it with lots of strawberries.”</p><p>Greg arched an eyebrow, visibly relaxing. “Together breakfast huh? You must be feeling better already.”</p><p>Steven nodded. “Much better, actually.”</p><p>He didn’t wait for his father to give him a proper answer. Greg was never one to pass up free food - the day he turned it down would be the day the world ended. He gathered the ingredients, almost surprised that he had every component despite not making the meal in years. Actually, the gems tried to make it for him pretty recently, so that made sense. Waffles, popcorn, whipped cream, and of course, strawberries. He had to admit it brought back some nice memories. So much had changed since he was last in this situation. He wasn’t waiting desperately for the gems to return, that was for sure. It was funny. When he was a kid he’d be thrilled by the opportunity to have them all there together, but now? He just wanted to be alone.</p><p>Once the waffles and popcorn were popped into the toaster and microwave, Steven started on the strawberries. His breath hitched as he steadily pulled the kitchen drawer open, revealing a surplus of shiny blades. Immediately he knew which one he wanted. Stevens heart raced as he grabbed the handle, lifting it out of the drawer. He stared in wonder as the blade glistened in the light. His brain was plagued with thoughts of what he could do with it. How much damage he could cause. How many marks he could leave. The blood. Oh god, he wanted it badly.</p><p>Steven pulled the chopping board out, placing the strawberries besides it. He grabbed one, positioning it in preparation to remove the green stem. His heartbeat stuttered. It was more nerve wracking than expected with Greg sitting nearby. <em> Come on, Steven. Just a little accident. A teeny slip up.</em> The knife cut through the first berry, hard thud as the blade met wood. His mouth felt dry. Grabbing another, he positioned his fingers a teeny bit closer. <em>Chop.</em> Okay, just a little further. His hands shook as adrenaline built up. Now. You can do it now. <em>Chop.</em> Something in his brain was making him hold back. No matter how badly he wanted to do it, he stopped at the last minute. He was shaking. His mouth was dry. It was crippling. He needed to do it. This was his only chance. This time he didn’t watch. Steven screwed his eyes shut and without sparing a second thought, pushed the blade down hard.</p><p>
  <em>Chop.</em>
</p><p>His hand buzzed like tv static. Looking down, he was faced with the sight he’d been dying to see for weeks. Blood dripped down his palm, but that wasn’t all. The gash was deep and split over the tip of his thumb and finger, and the bleeding never slowed. It pooled out, trickling over the countertop. Steven could only stare, mouth slightly agape. There was so much. Suddenly the adrenaline died down, and Steven just felt...numb.</p><p>The knife clattering against the counter top was the only thing that alerted Greg that something was wrong. He was quick to run over, fussing over him just as Pearl had the first time he made that mistake. “Steven! Are you alright?!”</p><p>Steven couldn’t find a way to respond. It was a weird feeling. His chest felt so tight. Heavy. He felt a million miles away, completely unable to reconnect to reality. He knew his father was there talking to him, but it was like there was an invisible wall between them. Steven couldn’t seem to break it down. Greg managed to guide him over to the sink, turning the tap on to wash the blood away. Steven stared as the water soaked into his sleeve, mixing with the blood to turn it damp and brown. Greg must have noticed too, as his next move was to push it up.</p><p>Now <em>that</em> was enough to snap Steven out of it. He jerked backwards, tugging his arm away from his fathers grip. “I’m- I’m okay,” He was quick to kiss the wounds, allowing them to vanish into nothingness. “See? All better.”</p><p>Greg breathed a sigh of relief, hand clasped over his heart. “Gosh, you really scared me there, kiddo.” He looked relieved, although a small amount of stress never left his eyes. Steven has seen that look a billion times over for as long as he could remember. Well, ever since he’d started living with the gems. His father was a pretty chill guy, but Steven always seemed to find a way to stress him out. Maybe that’s why he lost his hair so young. Steven couldn’t help but feel guilty for it.</p><p>The waffles popped out of the toaster, snapping him back to reality.</p><p>“I should finish making breakfast.” He said, voice shaking slightly. Steven looked over at the chopping board, noticing the little droplets of blood that were dotted over and around it. He winced. Greg shared the same expression. “Maybe without strawberries.” He added. Greg nodded solemnly.</p><p>“Maybe you could do with a change of clothes too, schtu-ball. At least, your shirt seems a bit..”</p><p><em>Fucked?</em> Steven wanted to add, but knew better than to actually say it aloud. He’d given his father enough heart attacks today - he didn’t need another. “Yeah...I’ll do that now.” Is what he ended up settling for, rushing upstairs to do just that.</p><p>He pulled the pyjama shirt off, making a face at the feeling of damp blood and water dragging across his skin as he removed it. Gross. Steven wanted to put his pink jacket on to hide his arms but something was stopping him. It felt...risky. There was something in Greg’s eyes. Some kind of deep worry. Concern. It frightened him. He knew Greg didn’t see under his sleeve properly. However, the possibility of it made him nervous. What if Greg <em>did</em> see and just wasn’t mentioning it? What if he knew how messed up he was? He hesitated for a moment before lifting his arm up to his face and kissing it. Within a second the scars and scabs were gone. A blank canvas. Something akin to disappointment ran through him. He shook his head. It didn’t matter much anyway, he could always get it back to how it was.</p><p>Steven went downstairs after that and finished making the breakfast as promised. It wasn’t quite the same without strawberries, but eating the meal was never his intention anyway. Greg was more than happy with it regardless, which was no surprise. His father had already cleared up the bloodied surface and chopping board by the time Steven came down, so he did the remainder of the washing up by himself. He made a point of showing his arms off, practically screaming “<em>See, dad? Your son’s perfectly normal! Not fucked up at all!”</em> It was almost embarrassing how hard he’d been trying to convince everyone he was fine. He often wondered how he got to this point. He also wondered how long it would last. Would they ever know the truth? If so, when?</p><p>Not yet. That’s what he’d always say to himself. Maybe they’d find out one day, but not yet. Maybe one day he’d come to terms with the stuff he’d pushed to the back of his mind because it was just too fucking <em>painful</em> to think about right now. But not yet. He was bad. He hurt people. He was a liar. He was a shatterer. Admitting that to himself was always a stab to the heart. If he thought about it any deeper though? It was too much. Even entertaining the thought was enough to bring back the urge to cut himself again. Steven swallowed. <em>Keep it together. Just until he leaves.</em></p><p>Greg didn’t end up staying much longer anyway. They chatted and watched tv for a little while, but the visit came to a natural end at some point in the afternoon.<br/>He turned to Steven just before he got to the van. “Please be more careful next time, Schtu-ball! For your old man’s sake!” Steven laughed. Partly because he didn’t know what else to do. He wasn’t going to lie to his face, not like he did with Spinel. He’d rather move on without carrying any extra guilt. The other reason he laughed was because there was no way in hell that was going to happen. He wasn’t about to give up the one thing that helped him feel less awful.</p><p>The gem smiled, waving until Greg’s van disappeared out of sight. It wasn’t a bad day, actually. He quite enjoyed spending time with his dad. Unfortunately though, it wasn’t enough. The moment Steven was alone he fished the knife out of the sink, took it upstairs with him and cut up his arms until he could finally breathe again. He half expected to lose his appetite for it after all that, but it only seemed to make him crave it more.</p><p>This was just the beginning.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I was a bit iffy about this chapter but I think I’m satisfied enough now</p><p>I have no idea how many people are actually reading this so if you are feel free to say hi or give feedback if you so wish! </p><p>I hope it satisfies all your angsty needs :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lost in thought.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I thought we needed a chapter centred around what’s going on in the kids head at the moment</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was one particular word that permanently resided in Stevens thoughts.</p><p>Exhausted.

</p><p>It wasn’t uncommon for him to be jolted awake with the memory of that day with Jasper. In fact, he almost <em>always</em> awoke shaking and struggling to breathe. Especially recently. He remembered every detail of it better than the back of his hand - it was hard not to when you re-live it again and again every time you shut your eyes. The glistening amber wedged between rocks. Her eyes wide in surprise. When you’re in mid battle it’s easy to get carried away. Your opponent hits you, you hit them back. It’s only fair. He never felt sorry for her, not when they were <em>really</em> fighting. There was never time to worry about feelings.

</p><p>That is until you take it one step too far - everyone’s done that at least once before. Maybe you’re play fighting with someone and accidentally hit them a little too hard - or maybe you’re joking around and end up hurting their feelings because you crossed a line. For Steven it was when he’d gotten that little bit too cocky, relishing in the strength he’d never experienced before. He wasn’t pitiful. He wasn’t weak - and he was going to damn well let her know about it.</p><p>One step too far. </p><p>He’d never forget that look on her face. At the time he was too caught up in the fight to really process it, but looking back...she must have been terrified. Jasper wouldn’t have been able to avoid it if she tried. She was utterly helpless - and he knew! He knew it wasn’t fair. Maybe if Steven had an ounce of self control none of this would have happened. Maybe she’d still be alive, stomping around the forest with that irascible attitude she carried with her everywhere. She may not have been one to follow the crowd, but Steven couldn’t deny he missed her. He fucking better be missing her. Her absence better hurt him every moment she was gone, because no one else had the chance. He never told them. Nobody had even noticed Jasper was gone. Some might think that justified it a little - was it really that big of a deal if no one actually noticed she were missing? - the answer was <em>yes</em>. Steven had entertained that thought before when he tried to soften the blow for himself, and how fucking <em>dare</em> he. </p><p>Because, who was he to try and make <em>himself</em> feel better after what he did? It was laughable. It was typical - typical for him to make everything about himself. It was a common theme in his life recently. Despite the fact that Steven caused pretty much all of his problems, he’d been complaining about them an awful lot. Maybe if he wasn’t such a screw up as a kid, half of this stuff would have never even happened. Trust him to waste the Diamond’s and Dr Maheswaran’s time trying to get them to help <em>him</em>. Maybe he’d be happier if he wasn’t so selfish. </p><p>That wasn’t even all of it. Sometimes, he could feel himself cracking, metaphorically, that is. The more bad things he did, the more he struggled to hold himself together. Of course, he kept quiet about it so the gems wouldn’t catch on, but it still hurt him. Every day hurt just that little bit more. He wondered how long he’d be able to cope without breaking.  </p><p>These were just a few of the thoughts that ran through his head late at night when he couldn’t sleep. He hardly got any sleep at all anymore.</p><p>Begrudgingly, Steven rolled out of bed. His normal routine would involve him checking the time on his phone, but that had been in an unknown location for a little while now. Part of him wondered where it went, but when he thought of the potential messages from Connie (or anyone else for that matter), he suddenly felt himself get very nauseous. He shook the thought away, plodding down the stairs to the bathroom. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl weren’t home at the moment. They weren’t home most of the time. Little homeschool was hectic as ever, and Steven couldn’t say he missed it. He didn’t miss them either. They coddled him when they were home, always giving him something to do or forcing him to spend time with them. They’d probably stay all the time if they could. He often wondered if they’d read some kind of “how to care for your sad teen” book. They certainly acted like it, plus it seemed like the kind of thing that Pearl would find.</p><p>The house was silent, save for the sharp, persistent ticking of the kitchen clock. He’d always hated it. Steven tried to tune it out as he stomped his way towards the bathroom. He’d been making an effort to at least shower and brush his teeth recently, partly because he hated how grimy he felt when he’d forget to for days on end. Mostly because the gems always noticed when he hadn’t. He locked the door behind him and began taking off his clothes, cringing at the feeling of scabs being pulled as his pyjama shirt came off. Oh, that was one of the many new norms of Steven’s life. Sometimes when he couldn’t sleep, cutting helped. The knife was stored safely in his bedside drawer, buried beneath piles of socks that probably needed a good wash now. At first he’d been so careful not to get blood anywhere, but he’d been getting a little sloppy. It wasn’t like it was a big deal anyhow, as long as it wasn’t on his clothes or bedsheets he was pretty much in the clear. </p><p>Steven had to admit he almost completely relied on it now. Previously he had convinced himself he’d only do it on occasion, and only if he was feeling really bad. That plan was now out the window - unless he was just feeling really bad all the time. It was hard to tell. When you feel the same thing consistently, no matter how horrible it is, it starts to feel normal. Average. He’d hate to see what he’d do to himself on a day any worse than one like this. Regardless, he needed it. The pain served for a multitude of reasons. Firstly, it grounded him. It made him feel better, and that was perfectly valid. Maybe it was a bit unconventional, but no one had to know about it. Secondly, he deserved it. There wasn’t an ounce of pain he didn’t deserve. Whenever he was reminded of that, he always made sure to cut a little deeper the following night. </p><p>Steven hissed at the hot water meeting the wounds. It burned, but he didn’t mind it as much as he used to. Sometimes when he closed his eyes he liked to imagine himself aflame, fire burning him down to the bone. He wondered how much worse it would feel in comparison to the hot water stinging him right now. He also wondered if he’d fall unconscious pretty soon after, or if he’d get to feel it all and watch as his flesh melted under the heat. Steven shook his head, grimacing. He didn’t really know why he thought about that kind of thing, but he knew it was bad, and if it was bad, he had to stop thinking it.</p><p>He finished up cleaning himself and switched the shower off, stepping out to dry off and put his pyjamas back on. He tugged the shirt on quickly, not wanting to accidentally catch a glimpse of how awful he looked in the mirror. Steven faltered. Wow...that hadn’t crossed his mind before. He’d never really had an issue with his appearance, but now that he thought about it...he couldn’t bare to even look at himself anymore. He’d been avoiding it for...for...when <em>did</em> that start? Why did he feel so fucking disgusting? Why did he downright hate himself? Oh god, that was it. He did. He...he hated himself. He absolutely did. Every single thing about him. </p><p>Steven slammed the bathroom door behind him, making a beeline for his room. He could feel himself glowing pink but didn’t care to try and stop it this time. He never did when nobody else was home, he didn’t need to. He sat down on the bed harshly, tugging at his hair. The tightness in his throat was hard to ignore, as was the way his hands shook uncontrollably despite being deeply tangled in his thick curls. Wow, he really was pathetic. He tried to suck in a deep breath, but it didn’t help. His eyes were screwed shut but all he could see was <em>her</em>. He tried to think of anything else, but he could hear her too. Her words rang loud, thrumming like a drum inside his head. <em>“You think everyone needs help, but it’s only you. No one is as pitiful as you!”</em> 

</p><p>“Stop it, stop it, <strong>stop it</strong>!” Hot tears pooled down his face and onto his lap, soaking into his pyjama bottoms. The memory of her had taunted him multiple times before, and yet it never stopped making him ache. It was loud and painful and every word cut him deeply. However, the thing that hurt him the most was the fact she was completely correct. He was weak, he was pathetic, and he was absolutely pitiful. She was always right to hate him. Hell, he hated himself too, more so than she probably ever knew how to.  </p><p>A sickly feeling overcame him - a combination of rage, adrenaline and despair. At the same time he was numb. Dry. Stale. All the while, Jaspers words continued to hit him relentlessly. Pitiful. Weak. Pathetic. <em>Stop it.</em> He raised the knife up with a shaky hand. Her laughter taunted him, loud and conceited. Ringing and ringing and ringing. He couldn’t take it. </p><p>“<strong>Shut <em>up</em>!</strong>”</p><p>In a flash of rage and adrenaline, he punctuated the sentence by bringing the knife down hard.</p><p>His stomach dropped immediately. Steven let go of the knife like it had burned him, however it didn’t clatter to the ground this time. Instead it stayed in place, blade only half visible as it was now sticking out of his thigh. He felt like throwing up. Why had he done that. Why the fuck had he done that.</p><p>Steven couldn’t stop his hands from shaking. Holy fuck. Holy <em>fuck.</em> He supposed he just hadn’t been thinking straight. It was a split second decision he’d made when he had caught sight of his leg out of the corner of his eye. Before he knew it he had targeted it, not bothering to think twice. What the hell was he going to do? Maybe it was the shock that clouded his judgement and brought upon this idea, but in that moment Steven decided the obvious solution would be to remove the knife. He grabbed the handle and tugged, sort of expecting that to be the end of it, save for a bit of blood and healing spit. Nope. Red gushed from him immediately, making his pyjamas warm and sticky. Okay, so that was the wrong move. It was coming out at an alarming rate. Steven watched blankly as the blood continued to spread, trickling down his leg and into his the mattress. The mattress. Shit. Shit! He tried heaving himself off the bed, only for his legs to collapse under his weight. Oh god, okay. The bleeding. He had to stop that first. </p><p>Despite how dry his mouth felt, Steven managed to muster up some spit, dribbling it into the palm of his hand (gross). He then applied it to the wound. Well, he smushed his hand in that general direction. It was near impossible to tell where the blood was actually coming from. After a moment the bleeding slowed, and then stopped fully. He exhaled deeply. Okay. It was fine. He was fine.</p><p>This time he did manage to stand, albeit shakily, and assessed the damage of his bedroom. It couldn’t really have been much worse. His blood had soaked through the duvet and into the mattress; that was going to be a bitch to sort out. His clothes were still dripping with blood, leaving a trail of ruby droplets from when he’d stood up. Okay, first order of business - put the sheets in the wash and the pyjama bottoms in the trash. Actually, scratch that. Everything in the trash. Steven didn’t know much about stains, but he knew he’d be damn lucky to get blood out of white bedsheets. Plus, he had a few spares in the closet anyway. His mattress just had to stay covered because he didn’t have anything he could use to clean it properly yet.</p><p>Steven dumped the pile of sheets into the outdoor trash can before emptying the indoor garbage on top, just in case anyone looked in. Taking out the trash would also be another brownie point from Pearl. Win win.</p><p>Second order of business - mop the floor. He was well and truly used to doing that now. It was hardly surprising that blood tended to drip. Steven almost felt embarrassed by how often he found himself on his knees, aggressively trying to scrub bloodstains out of the wooden floor. Ashamed would probably be a better word, actually. It was hardly something to be proud of - Steven was, of course, a long way away from making people proud of him anyway. He’d be surprised if anyone ever would be again. Oh well. </p><p>Third order of business - another shower. Washing his sheets, taking out the trash, mopping, <em>and</em> having <em>two</em> showers in one day? Oh, wouldn’t the gems be impressed. If only they knew.</p><p>—

</p><p>Steven was, admittedly,  starting to scare himself a little. This wasn’t right. Of course, he knew from the beginning that he was all kinds of fucked up. None of this had ever been right. Through the panic of trying to sort the whole situation out earlier he hadn’t really had time to ponder it, though he was deeply aware this wasn’t something normal people do. Nor Gems. It couldn’t be. He was completely alone. That knowledge made him uneasy, but it wasn’t like anything would change. It would be a lie to say he was going to do anything about it.</p><p>This routine was becoming a bit of a struggle. The exhaustion piled on day after day, and while Steven had found ways to cope with his feelings, he wasn’t really sure what he was actually striving for. What the point was. He didn’t have a long term plan, or any for that matter. Every day he woke up empty, with absolutely no clue on what he was going to do with his time. Connie had a plan. Greg has a plan. All his friends had a plan. The gems had a plan. The Diamonds had a plan. Steven Universe on the other hand, did not. He didn’t have any hobbies - not after Cactus Steven had left him. He didn’t even have any skills or real interests, and even if he did, he was too damn tired to do anything about it. He was simply...surviving, one day at a time. Exhausted. Anything he <em>did</em> do was merely a distraction of that fact. A distraction of who he was. What he did. He just wanted his life to mean something. He wondered if it ever would. If he’d ever have the energy to chance how things were.</p><p>Later, the gems came home. It was all the same. Steven considered it a routine at this point. They tried to occupy him with something as usual, and as usual, he complied, not really caring to make them suspicious or worried. As long as he complied, they never seemed to worry much about him. He didn’t seem different, at least, so everything must be fine. He must <em>feel</em> fine. He wondered if they thought he looked fine too. Could they tell that the bags under his eyes were getting darker? Did they ignore it or had they really no clue? He supposed he’d promised to tell them the truth if something was bothering him, so maybe they just trusted that he would. That made sense. Why would they expect anything else? He was always a good kid, after all. </p><p>Steven didn’t sleep at all that night.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I pulled a bit of a wild card with this one, I’m not yet sure how to feel about it</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I’m so sorry this took literally forever! Thank you for being patient, I hope you didn’t lose interest! </p><p>Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Being stabbed in the leg had kind of killed Stevens appetite for hurting himself. It was quite a leap forwards from his usual stuff, though he was surprised that it didn’t quite provide the satisfying sting that shallow cuts did. While the sight of blood usually calmed him, that time it had only caused panic. The damp iron smell lingered for days no matter how hard he scrubbed the floor, plus the thought of being covered in sticky blood again made him feel disgusting and sickly. </p><p>That was for the first few days, at least. It wasn’t long until Amethyst said something that irked him and he’d got right back to it. The relief was immediate, making him wonder why he ever stopped in the first place. He doubted he’d make that same mistake this time.</p><p>He knew Amethyst didn’t mean to upset him; she never did. Having her mess with him like that was nothing new, although she had seemed to reel it in quite a bit these past few weeks. The odd insult had only started coming back out recently so Steven assumed she thought he must be stable enough to take it now (oh how wrong she was). Any reminder of how pathetic he was was a stab to the chest, whether he knew she was joking or not.</p><p>He just couldn’t seem to stop making himself feel terrible. Though, to be completely honest, feeling terrible about himself sometimes felt weirdly good. It was probably because he deserved to feel bad anyway so it was practically a punishment for everything he had done. It was a pretty weak punishment admittedly, which is why Steven often liked to up it a little with the help of his knife or nails. Anything that hurt him, really. Sometimes he’d even turn the shower up enough to burn his skin red. He’d also considered punching through the wall a few times but decided not to do something quite so obvious. He liked to keep everything as quiet as he could; it made him wonder if the gems would ever notice how bad he was getting.</p><p>A couple days later Amethyst convinced him to play video games with her (by convinced he meant pressured, by the way). He took the controller reluctantly, preferring to avoid causing any conflict by just getting the game over with. Maybe then she’d leave him alone for the rest of the day so he could lay in bed with the curtains drawn. It wasn’t even like it was making him feel any better. Did she think it was? She seemed to behave like it did, like as long as she could make him <em>act</em> normal, he’d feel normal too. He only wished it worked that way.</p><p>After impassively pushing random buttons for a few minutes, the ‘Game Over’ signal flashed brightly across the screen. Amethyst cheered briefly, flopping back onto the bed in gratification. “Wow dude, you really suck at this game, huh?” She remarked.</p><p>Ah, there it was again. He shifted uncomfortably, biting down on his tongue before choosing the ‘Rematch’ option without another word. When hearing the sounds of the game restarting, Amethyst perked up, clearly not satisfied enough by winning the last game. It was hardly difficult for her to win anyway when Steven was putting in such a pathetic amount of effort; he suspected he was doing a bad job of hiding it, too. Out of the corner of his eye he could see her glancing at him every so often. He tried to ignore it, putting a bit more energy in the game to draw her attention away from him. It seemed to be working, thank God. He hated being stared at like that. He hated that she looked at him like he was a freak. No no, she probably didn’t think that. Maybe. He shook his head, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at how ridiculous he was being. <em>Paranoid as ever, Universe.</em> But was he really paranoid? She’d have good reason to think that after all. In fact, why would she think otherwise? It made perfect sense. It-</p><p>“Dude.”</p><p>He tore his eyes away from the screen to face her. She was staring right back at him, eyes slightly narrowed. The controller wasn’t even in her hands anymore. He wondered how long she’d been sitting there watching him.</p><p>“Uh, yeah?” He asked, feigning a casual demeanour.</p><p>Amethysts expression deepened into a scowl. “What is <em>with</em> you, man? You’re not even trying!”</p><p>Steven had to admit that was a hit to the chest. He was doing his absolute best to keep himself together, keep the Crystal Gems happy and make sure everything stayed how it was - and she thought he wasn’t trying. So maybe he wasn’t doing a great job at pretending to be interested in the game, but stars, could you blame him? He never even wanted to play in the first place. He was only doing it to keep <em>her</em> happy, and yet it still wasn’t good enough. <em>You’re doing your best and still failing, huh? Nothing new. </em> The gem slammed the controller down besides him. “I <em>am</em> trying.” He growled.</p><p>Amethyst squeezed her eyes shut, fingers pressing against her temple. “Steven,” she starts. Her voice is strained. “We’re <em>just</em> trying to help you-”</p><p><em>Here we go again.</em> God, he couldn’t fucking deal with this routine. Sure, the gems were trying to be supportive - they always were - but that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that there couldn’t possibly be a way to drag him out of the pit he’d created. What gave him the right to even try? He’d caused enough irreparable damage and pain already - who’s to say he wouldn’t do it again? How could he stop himself? Yes, he could tell the gems that but then what? If they didn’t believe him he’d simply be left to boil over and inevitably hurt one of them. Alternatively, they could kick him out, or worse, so he couldn’t do any more damage. That second option was less likely; they probably wouldn’t even believe he was capable of hurting someone like that. Despite that, he’d certainly prefer it. At least then he wouldn’t have to live in this hell of pretending everything was okay when it really, really wasn’t.</p><p>Amethyst was still talking, probably about how ‘asking for help is okay’ or that ‘they were there for him’ or something vaguely along those lines. Often he’d put up with it and nod until they left him alone, but Steven was starting to get really fucking sick of playing along.</p><p>“Oh, shut <em>up</em>.”</p><p>Her head snapped up, pained eyes locking with his. She looked utterly stunned. Was that too much? Did he overreact? He wasn’t sure, although he doubted he’d be able to stop running his mouth now if he tried. That had been a common problem recently - and it never ended well. “That’s all you three ever say! If you’re so worried then why don’t you just <em>listen</em> to me and leave me the fuck alone like I asked?”</p><p>“<em>Dude</em>,” There was venom in her voice. Even though he was avoiding her gaze, her tone confirmed that he’d pissed her off thoroughly. “I get that you’re going through something right now, but do you really have to be such an ass about it?”</p><p>Steven squeezed his eyes shut, fighting desperately to keep the rage at bay. He felt like a ticking time bomb, getting more and more dangerous by the second. Amethyst was right to criticise his behaviour but he certainly wasn’t stable enough to have an argument with her right now. She needed to go.</p><p>He spoke slowly, working hard to keep his voice clear and steady. Even with that amount of effort it still shook audibly. “Amethyst, I just need to be alone right now-”</p><p>“Why?” She snapped. “So you can push us away <em>again</em>?”</p><p>He heaved himself off the bed, flailing his arms out expressively. “I’m just trying not to be a horrible person! Please, get out!”</p><p>Amethyst’s expression twisted, nose scrunching. “Steven what?! You’re like, the nicest person I know!”</p><p>“You <em>don’t</em> know me.”</p><p>“That’s insane! Of course I know you!”</p><p>“Don’t you remember me wrecking dads car? He could’ve died! I’m <em>dangerous</em>, why don’t you get that?”</p><p>Amethyst shook her head. “That was an accident, it doesn’t make you a bad person!”</p><p>“Well I am! Mom was awful and she never even hurt anybody! I’m so much worse, Amethyst! Dad got hurt because I couldn’t control myself, I <em>still</em> can’t control myself a-and I need you to leave before I hurt you too, okay? So just fucking go already.”</p><p>She recoiled, looking him up and down with this hurt, distant look that made him ache. Successfully pushing her away hurt a lot more than he thought it would. <em>This is what you wanted, right?</em> But after a moment Amethyst shook her head, gaze hardening as she looked him in the eye. “I’m <em>not</em> leaving you.”</p><p>God, this was never going to end. She was wearing him down slowly - more out of exhaustion than actual compliance. He just wanted it to stop. He wanted to be left alone to sulk in his room without anyone trying to make him pretend. It’s not like he wanted this to be the only option, but he didn’t exactly have a choice. The alternative was to tell them <em>everything</em>, which happened to include the fact he murdered someone with a smile on his face. Honestly, part of him actually wanted them to know. Maybe then they’d finally realise he was better off being shattered before he could hurt anyone else. Of course, they’d probably still drag it on, trying their best to convince themselves he’s still a good person deep down. It was awfully tiring.</p><p>After a moment of thinking he deflated slightly, deciding to stop pretending he could be bothered to argue with her. He sighed. “Why not?”</p><p>“Because you’re clearly upset and I’m not just gonna leave you like this.”</p><p>“But I want you to go.” He murmured, scuffing his foot against the floor. Something tapped against his toes. Upon looking down he realised his missing phone had been there the entire time. It was probably dead now anyway. He didn’t bother to pick it up.</p><p>“I’m worried about you, man. I <em>know</em> you’ve got a lot going on right now and us giving you space clearly isn’t working. What do <em>you</em> need?”</p><p>He shuddered, putting his head in his hands. How could he explain to her that he was a lost cause? While he used to admire her strong will and stubbornness, it only served to annoy him now.</p><p>“I don’t <em>want</em> your help. You- you can’t help me, okay? So just stop.”</p><p>She glared at him. “When will you stop hiding everything from us?”</p><p>“I’m not! I just want you to leave me alone!” He dug his nails into the palm of his hand, hoping the pain would calm him (it didn't, no matter how hard he tried). Instead he bit down on his tongue until he tasted blood and heard the smallest crunch. <em>Much better</em>.</p><p>Amethyst shook her head dismissively. “I’ll go when you admit there’s something wrong!”</p><p>“Just fuck off!”</p><p>He turned towards the greenhouse, preparing to just walk the hell out of there. She clearly wasn’t going to and he very much needed to be alone right now. Maybe he’d even find something to break, that would certainly make him feel better. As he walked away he saw her reach towards him - and then pull back suddenly, eyes wide.</p><p>“Steven.”</p><p>The change in tone hit him like a ton of bricks. He whipped around following her gaze down to...</p><p>“Your hands...” she uttered, voice etched with worry.</p><p>Looking down, it became clear there was no hiding it. His fingertips were stained copper, congealed blood buried under his nails. Steven’s heart jumped. <em>Fuck!</em> He quickly brought his hands to his mouth, ignoring the way Amethysts eyes widened further upon seeing his sticky red palms. He kissed the wounds - not that it even removed the copious amount of blood which was really the main issue there.</p><p>“I-It was an accident, I didn’t even notice- I didn’t mean to.”</p><p>He could hear his heartbeat thrumming in his head. Amethyst continued to stare, eyes rapidly flicking between his face and his hands. After balling them into fists her gaze finally broke away from them. He sucked in a deep breath. “I was just mad. I didn’t even notice.” He repeated.</p><p>It wasn’t exactly a lie. Steven may have intended to do it earlier, but often he found himself doing it subconsciously when he was upset. Regardless, Amethyst would surely doubt that was the truth if she knew what else he’d been doing. She seemed shaken enough from what little she’d seen already; it would definitely be a nightmare to tell his family about anything else. Hell, this current situation was more than enough of a nightmare as of yet.</p><p>Amethyst seemed to relax at his words ever so slightly, though she was looking at him differently now. Still worried - but lacking most of the warmth it had before. He felt like she was getting closer to seeing him how he truly was. <em>About time.</em> There was something else in her eyes too - like she was searching for something. Probably to see if he were lying or not - to see if she could bring herself to believe him. After a moment of clear internal conflict her gaze softened, head nodding slightly. “Okay...”</p><p>The gem exhaled audibly. She seemed to believe him, albeit the worry never left her eyes. After a short while of silence Steven, reluctantly, made the bold decision to continue the conversation. “I’ll...I’ll be okay, Amethyst. I just need some time.”</p><p>“You keep saying that,” she started, disappointment etched into her voice. It made Steven want to shrink into himself. “But you’re still the same, you have been for <em>weeks</em>, Steven I..”</p><p>He shook his head. “Just leave me alone. I’ll be fine.”</p><p>“Steven-”</p><p>“Just <em>go</em>.”</p><p>She opened her mouth to protest but snapped it shut promptly. After a long pause she hesitantly got up and walked towards the doorway, stopping one last time to turn to him. “I’m gonna be checking in on you, Steven.” She said before walking downstairs and out of sight. Finally. Steven got up to turn the tv off before pulling the blinds down and crawling back into his bed. He laid there awake for a while of course, staring at the cracks in the ceiling until exhaustion finally took over.</p><p>Just a little time.</p><p>—</p><p>“It’s scary seeing him get angry like that...I’m...I’m really worried about him.”</p><p>The gems sat around the table together, all equally stressed by the current situation. Pearl furrowed her brows, clasping her hands together anxiously. “What can we do? We promised him we’d give him space.”</p><p>“It’s not working, Pearl, he’s getting worse but he won’t let us help him. I tried and he just got more mad and... I just wish I knew what’s going on with him.”</p><p>“Do you think we should get involved?”</p><p>Amethyst shifted uncomfortably, fingers combing through her hair. “I don’t know...I doubt he’d let us. He told me to give him time but...”</p><p>“Lets give him a chance,” Garnet starts. “And if he doesn’t improve, we intervene.”</p><p>Amethyst and Pearl were quiet for a moment, taking a second to think it through. They couldn’t keep going on like this, but if Steven didn’t want to talk, they couldn’t force him. Their best bet was to wait it out and hope he was telling the truth. If he started to improve, great. If he continued going down this path...well...they’d do their best to help him. Amethyst and Pearl looked to each other, nodding firmly. “Okay.”</p><p>They had to try.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The next update should come faster than this one did, but in the mean time I’ve decide to gift you guys the playlist I made that emulates the vibe of this fic (aka the thing I listen to when I’m summoning angsty feelings for this) let me know if you decide to listen to it! </p><p>Angsty Steven playlist:<br/>https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7FvcfHZr9AF39HP9KtVfQz?si=yZxCA-LrRk6s5HS_</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Steven deteriorates</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It’s a big one</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The gems had been quiet. Really, weirdly quiet. Out of the blue they had stopped pestering him to do stuff, following him around or mentioning when he looked like he hadn’t been taking care of himself. Despite that, Steven could feel their eyes on him more than ever, which was understandably strange. Nevertheless, he couldn’t complain. They were finally listening to him - he wasn’t about to ruin it by being paranoid. Plus, if their plan was to do nothing, he didn’t really care if they were watching him anyway. 

</p><p>Steven wanted them to leave him alone. He really, really did - so why did it come as a surprise when he quickly found himself feeling more lonely than he ever had before? It’s not even like he could blame anyone else for it. If he didn’t want to be alone he could always leave his room and <em>actually</em> initiate a conversation with one of them. It had been a long time since he’d done that, though it would be a lie to say he wanted to. So, he didn’t like being alone, but he also disliked being with people. What the fuck was wrong with him? Why was he miserable either way? </p><p>Surely it was his problem. Something <em>must</em> be fundamentally wrong with him. He chuckled bitterly. Of <em>course</em> there was, why was he even pondering the thought? Nothing he’d done recently was anything a normal person would do - he didn’t even need to know many people to figure that one out. Even being in this room, the bedroom he’d grown up in - the place that should bring him the <em>most</em> comfort - made him feel sick. The numbness he felt on occasion was really starting to settle in now too. While bouts of rage and sadness were still common, absolute neutral nothingness was the default. He felt stagnant. Bored. Numb. He didn’t even have the energy to <em>try</em> to entertain himself. In fact, he could probably draw a detailed map of his ceiling by now, every crack and cobweb included. </p><p>That was probably the main reason why Steven found himself getting out of bed for once. He let his feet take him - down the stars, through the living room and out the front door. He wondered aimlessly, feeling the familiar grainy texture of the sand beneath his bare feet. Steven used to love admiring the beach at this time of day. The sunsets were always so pretty. Today, he didn’t even look up. He didn’t care to. Now that he thought about it, he didn’t care to do anything anymore. Not really. He found it hard to claim he even cared <em>about</em> anything either. Of course he had his family, and he loved them. However it wasn’t like they couldn’t cope without him. If Steven, hypothetically, didn’t exist, would anybody really need him? The Gems survived thousands of years without him, plus they’d probably be more than happy to work on little homeschool and their own personal lives. Greg could definitely do without someone flipping out at him and crashing his van again. Connie...</p><p>Even thinking about her pulled at his chest. Connie was absolutely brilliant. She was the smartest person he knew. She was the strawberry to his biscuit, his compliment. They were wonderful together, and Connie...she was...</p><p>She was moving away. Really, <em>really</em> far away. At least he could visit. They could call as much as they wanted. Well, no. She’d be pretty busy. College was hard - he’d gathered that much from the amount of time she was spending on preparing for it. She’d probably make a bunch of new friends too, she was really great at that. Steven remembered when she was this shy girl who was barely brave enough to talk to him, and now look at her. She was absolutely going places.</p><p>Unlike him. </p><p>It hurt to admit it but with her being that busy with work, plus how far away she was, plus all the new friends she’d be spending time with...she’d probably forget all about him. </p><p>Okay, so he was alone. That was fine. I mean, it’s not like it was their fault. He’d purposefully been ignoring Connie for weeks, he never spoke to Greg and he avoided the gems as much as possible. What did he expect? They weren’t just going to wait around for him to stop being an asshole to them, that wasn’t how it worked. He was surprised anyone was still putting up with him, though it was unlikely that it would last much longer. He was treating them badly - they’d be bound to give up on him sooner or later and he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. Steven simply didn’t have the energy to connect with anyone. Even doing <em>nothing</em> was too much work for him. God, why did everything feel so terrible? He had to laugh, it was borderline ridiculous.</p><p>Steven was surprised to feel grass beneath his feet. Looking up, he realised he’d walked all the way round the beach and was now making his way up the cliff. That was weird. He hadn’t felt like he’d been walking long at all. He shrugged, deciding to continue making his way towards the lighthouse anyway. It’s not like he had anything better to do, after all. </p><p>—</p><p>“You guys saw that, right? Steven <em>actually</em> left the house!”</p><p>“I know!” Pearl exclaimed. </p><p>Garnet nodded, a slight smile on her face. “This is good. It could be just what he needs.” </p><p>Amethyst heaved herself off the sofa, walking over to the window. “Where do you think he went?” She turned her head rapidly, trying to spot him. “I can’t see him anywhere.”</p><p>Pearl shook her head slightly, picking up a puzzle piece and hastily pushing it into its place. “I wouldn’t worry. It’s starting to get dark, I’m sure he won’t stay out long.”</p><p>Amethyst made her way back to the couch, slumping down besides Pearl. She reluctantly picked up a puzzle piece, squinting at the picture on the box for a while before putting it back down again. 

</p><p>“So I guess we just wait, then.”</p><p>Garnet and Pearl didn’t seem to mind. They trusted that Steven was improving and could look after himself.</p><p>Amethyst couldn’t keep her eyes off the door. 

</p><p>—</p><p>The wind was a lot colder at the top of the cliff. Steven hadn’t thought to bring a jacket - or shoes for that matter. After everything it would be pretty dumb to worry about the cold, wouldn’t it? The damage was done now anyhow, and it wasn’t like he was going to turn back just for a coat. 
</p><p> The white fence that once surrounded the top edge had started to collapse after years of being neglected. Naturally, it reminded him of the time Amethyst fell off the cliff and cracked her gem. He peered over the edge, taking notice of the rocks that surrounded the bottom of the cliff. The loud <em>clink</em> of her gem cracking rang in his ears. Part of him wondered if it would’ve shattered her if she’d hit it differently. He grimaced. That would be kind of traumatic to watch. He was glad she didn’t. </p><p>Then again, if Amethyst fell now, it definitely wouldn’t phase him in the same way it did when he was a kid. Was that bad? <em>Maybe you really just don’t care.</em> Steven shook his head at himself, squeezing his eyes shut. No, no, it wasn’t like that. Of course he cared. It was just- he could heal her. It wasn’t a big deal. Plus, he’d been through so many awful things now, danger just didn’t have the same kick that it used to. Hell, he was standing on the very edge of this cliff and hadn’t even noticed until now.</p><p>Steven took another look at the jagged rocks. He gulped.</p><p>What would happen if <em>he</em> fell? </p><p>Similar thoughts crossed his mind on occasion - what would happen to him if his gem got damaged? Would his human half survive? Could his gem shatter from the impact? Would it even hurt?</p><p>What was it like to die? He supposed it would just be nothingness. That seemed pretty depressing, although now that he thought about it, it seemed to have some highlights. For starters, the gems wouldn’t have to worry about him anymore. They spent an awful lot of time doing that, it would certainly free up their schedule. He wouldn’t be able to hurt anyone either. He really struggled to be nice lately, maybe not existing would actually be a good solution for that. Greg and Connie could move on with their lives, too. He doubted it would take them that long. </p><p>And what about him? All that worrying about what he’d do with his life and the stress of trying to deal with every horrible thing that happened to him - it would be gone. He wouldn’t have to think about Jasper or Pink or anyone that made him feel bad. He wouldn’t have to worry anymore. It wouldn’t have to be like this. <em>Hypothetically.</em> he reminded himself. It wasn’t real. He wasn’t <em>actually</em> going to do something like that. </p><p><em>But why not? Wouldn’t it be better for you? For everyone?</em> He sucked in a breath harshly. No, no it wouldn’t- he <em>couldn’t.</em> Why was he even thinking something like that? He didn’t want to think like that. God, he didn’t want to <em>feel</em> like that. It couldn’t mean anything good - his stomach had already filled up with dread - but at the same time, his heart raced. He was hungry for it. He craved it. Well, he didn’t even know what it was exactly, but deep down, he knew this was the answer. It felt utterly inevitable that it would end like this. He didn’t get a happily ever after. He didn’t deserve a future of any kind. This seemed to make sense. Maybe this was what he was supposed to do. 

</p><p>Maybe this was what he wanted. 

</p><p>That wasn’t good, was it? He wasn’t supposed to want that. It was now laughable that he went to the hospital over glowing <em>pink</em>. This had to be so much worse. It felt so much worse. He was so tired - and he knew he needed help. <em>This could help!</em> That was how he felt on the surface, at least. Deep down he was absolutely terrified. He wanted to run to someone - anyone - and tell them everything. Tell them he needed help. He needed to be <em>safe</em>. He didn’t feel safe right now. He didn’t trust himself. 

</p><p>Yet he was still standing there - on the very edge of a very steep cliff. He could easily fall, and yet he didn’t move. Why didn’t he move? Steven peered down again. The ground looked almost inviting now. If he fell and it worked, he wouldn’t have to feel like this anymore. That was all he wanted, really. As long as he stopped feeling and being like he was now, he’d be happy. Maybe it could work. Maybe his gem would shatter on impact - his bones too, all of it. If his gem was first to go, he wouldn’t be able to heal himself. He’d surely die. One step was all it would take. It would be so easy.</p><p>The wind seemed calmer now - warmer and less harsh. It was like the Universe was giving him an opportunity to step forwards, and he sort of wanted to take it. He inched closer, toes gripping the very edge. He couldn’t possibly get any closer without falling. <em>Just do it. Everything will be okay.</em> The gem teetered slightly, barely managing to keep his balance; the smallest breeze could have thrown him off. Hell, it probably would have if something didn’t wrap harshly around his waist, tugging him to the ground a few feet away from the edge. </p><p>The impact hit him hard, face slamming into the dirt with a muted thump. Despite his dizziness and obvious pain, Steven managed to lift his head to make eye contact with a very pissed off Amethyst. </p><p>“What the hell are you doing?” She demanded.</p><p>He gawked at her, jaw stuttering as he struggled to find the words. She looked terrified and hurt - and she’d absolutely seen him. She knew exactly what he was doing. Holy fuck. Holy <em>fuck.</em>
</p><p>“Admiring the view?” He gasped, still winded from the fall.</p><p>“This isn't funny, Steven! You said you needed space and I believed you!” She threw her whip to the ground. “Ugh! I <em>knew</em> something was wrong! Why did I listen to you?!”</p><p>He was fucked. He was absolutely fucked - but it <em>couldn’t</em> be this way. He needed to fix it.  </p><p>“I wasn’t doing anything!” He exclaimed with a smile. It felt so horrible and forced.</p><p>“<em>Don’t</em> bullshit me, Steven.” She growled.</p><p>He couldn’t deny he was panicking. He wanted to lie his way out but she’d seen too much. It was too late. Shit, why didn’t he check if he was being followed? Stupid, stupid, stupid. She shouldn’t have to see him like this. She shouldn’t have to watch. </p><p> He felt like the world was caving in on him. Amethyst was going to tell the others. If he couldn’t find a way out of this right now, they’d know everything. He glanced back at the cliff edge, debating trying to bolt again. Amethyst caught on quickly, he grabbing him firmly before he dared to move. “Garnet!” </p><p>“No, stop! I-I wasn’t doing anything!”</p><p>“I <em>saw</em> you!”</p><p>“Oh! The cliff thing? Amethyst I was just looking! That must’ve looked pretty bad, huh?” He forced a nervous laugh.</p><p>She was having <em>none</em> of it. “Garnet! Pearl!”

</p>
<p>He struggled now, trying to release himself from her unrelenting grip. “Amethyst, stop it! Don’t tell them!”</p><p>She looked him hard in the eye. “Tell them what, Steven? You said you weren’t doing anything. Garnet! Pearl!”</p><p>They appeared quickly. “Amethyst, what’s going on?” Pearl asked slowly, frowning at the way Steven was being restrained.  </p><p>“There’s something really wrong with him, Pearl, he was going to...” She trailed off, voice shaking as she glanced back at the cliff. “He needs help.”</p><p>No, no, no. This wasn’t happening. </p><p>“No I don’t! Leave me alone!”</p><p>Garnet and Pearl followed Amethysts gaze to the cliff, and then back to Steven. Between his aggressive struggle and Amethysts terror, it didn’t take long for them to put two and two together. He watched their faces as it hit them - a combination of shock and disbelief. Pearl covered her mouth, eyes flicking rapidly between them. “Steven? W-why would you...”</p><p>Garnet recoiled with a quiet gasp - that was never good. It was near impossible to surprise her. “Steven...”</p><p>He struggled against her grip again, thrashing around despite her best efforts to keep him still. “Let me go! You don’t <strong>understand!</strong>”</p><p>Glowing pink would usually give him the strength to throw her off, but not this time. He was panicking too much - and he knew it was a losing battle. </p><p>“Let’s get him inside.” Garnet decided.</p><p>“No, don’t..” He rasped, voice shaking. The gems ignored him, all taking part in lifting him off the ground. He struggled again, but it was no use. “Please, stop it. You don’t deserve this.”</p><p>“Steven, please, what are you taking about?” Pearl cried, voice torn with sorrow. He was breaking her heart.</p><p>“I’m dangerous, I-i could hurt you,” He choked. “You should just shatter me.”</p><p>They all stopped simultaneously. “...What...?” Amethyst asked slowly, voice laced with fear.</p><p>“Steven, what’s going on? What happened to you?” Garnet questioned - and he’d never heard her sound so sad and desperate. </p><p>“What...what happened to <em>me</em>?” He felt his mouth pull up into a smile of disbelief - because it was absolutely ridiculous. She had to be joking. The gems glanced at each other nervously, grip on him not relenting. They didn’t understand. He felt a small giggle bubble out from him - then the longer they stared at him, the louder it got. It was terrible. It felt terrible. Pretty soon he was full blown cackling, tears in his eyes. The gems looked absolutely horrified. “What,” he started, wiping his eyes. “You don’t know? You still think <em>I’m</em> the victim?”</p><p>Amethyst scowled. “What are you talking about?” She demanded harshly, though still failing to mask the worry in her voice. </p><p>Steven laughed again - loud and hollow. “<em>Wow.</em> Y-you,” he gasped, trying to catch his breath. “You really don’t get it. You think I need help but maybe...maybe it’s you guys! I’ve told you again and again and <em>again</em> that I’m dangerous and you don’t do anything about it!” His mouth twitched upwards, teeth gleaming. At this point he knew he was losing it, but he just couldn’t help himself. He wasn’t in control. Not really. Not anymore. 

</p><p>They were silent. He looked down at himself, observing the way they still held onto him despite his words. Steven shook his head, huge grin slowly melting into a grimace. Every breath he tried to take fell into a bubble of nervous laughter. It felt utterly manic. “What? You’re just going to let me get away with it? Let me do whatever I want? Maybe just- shatter someone else this time, huh?!”

</p><p>He felt them all tense up at once.

</p><p> “What...?” Pearl uttered, as if she didn’t think she’d heard him properly. As if he were joking. He could see the cogs moving in her head, trying to figure out why he’d even say such a thing. She looked up at him, astounded and bewildered and hesitant all at once. Her body had gotten weirdly tense too, like she didn’t know if she wanted to run towards him or bolt in the opposite direction. Regardless, her feet stayed planted. “Steven, y-you <em>wouldn’t</em>, you...”</p><p>He huffed a laugh - desperate and raspy and empty. “A-and you don’t even believe me! I shattered Jasper! I wanted to shatter White!” He turned to them now, easily pulling himself from their grip. They were stunned silent, shocked beyond words. “See? You’re not even doing anything! What- you’re- you still care about me? Really?” </p><p>Garnet stepped forwards, reaching out to him. Her voice remained tender, even though it trembled slightly. “Steven, whatever happened, we can help. Please let us, this isn’t you.”</p><p>Steven took a step back away from her, shaking his head. “<em>No.</em> What if I hurt you too? I’m better off dead. You know it. I know it - so why don’t you just leave me to it?!” </p><p>Pearl sounded like she was about to cry. “Steven, we would never let that happen! It’ll be okay! We can talk about this-”</p><p> “You <em>know</em> I’m right! Why are you letting me get away with it?”</p><p>Amethyst jumped towards him, grabbing at his sleeve desperately. “Stop it! We can talk about this, Steven! You don’t have to feel like this!”</p><p>He huffed, shaking his head bitterly. “You heard me, didn’t you? I shattered Jasper. She’s not coming back. You really think I’m worth it, Amethyst? You think I won’t hurt you too?” He tugged his arm out of her grip, trying not to wince at the way it made his cuts sting. She glanced rapidly between him and the floor. “You wouldn’t...” He doubted she even believed her own words. </p><p>“Oh, I <em>would.</em>” He snapped.

</p><p>And with that, he turned to leave. The gems all jumped at him until he put his hand out swiftly. “Relax, I’m going to my room. I’m not gonna kill myself or anything.” He spat. </p><p>They all recoiled at that, glancing at each other anxiously before following him back to the house. In silence. Steven wondered what they were thinking. Maybe they were still trying to figure out how to help him. Maybe not. They should give up, really. He didn’t care. There was no way in hell they could help - it would only be a waste of effort on their part. 

</p><p>Once they’d made their way into the house he headed upstairs, stopping just before he reached his room to see if they dared to follow. They were all watching him, but remained firmly in place. He shook his head, smirking before shutting the door behind him promptly. Maybe they were finally listening. He hoped they were, he hoped they were afraid. It would make it so much easier when they admitted to themselves he was a monster. An unredeemable, horrible, lost cause.  </p><p>And so what if they knew what he’d done? They deserved to know how awful he was. In fact, it was better this way. He knew exactly how this would go down. Without having to hide now, he had plenty of ideas...</p><p>And absolutely nothing to lose.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I feel like Steven’s really embraced his dark side here, for better or for worse (definitely worse)</p><p>Comments are always welcome as hell, It’s nice to know if you guys are happy with chapters!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I was trying to get this out Friday but obviously that didn’t happen so happy Sunday everyone!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“It’s our fault! How could we let it get so bad without noticing!?”<br/>
</p><p>“This isn’t the time to blame ourselves. He needs us now.”<br/>
</p><p>“Do you think he was serious? He wouldn’t really do that, right?”<br/>
</p><p>“I...I don’t know.”<br/>
</p><p>–<br/>
</p><p>There had been a couple of seconds when Steven awoke where he had entirely forgotten about the events of last night. Of course, it hit him like a ton of bricks pretty soon after, making him wish he’d never woken up at all.</p><p>Steven tried pushing himself up but immediately jolted, wincing at the pain that shot through his arms. Through the fogginess of his head he couldn’t fully understand why it hurt so much, but upon looking down, it suddenly made a lot of sense.</p><p>He was surprised he hadn’t felt it earlier - but Jesus, he was even more surprised he hadn’t immediately remembered doing it. His arms were numb like tv static, yet at the same time, burned - hot and sensitive. He could barely stand to touch them. His sleeves were damp and sticky and heavy, soaked in dark blood that was still wet to the touch. The knife was tangled in the bedsheets, too, which was a crystal clear reminder that he’d cut himself until he passed out from exhaustion last night.</p><p>Fucking hell, what was wrong with him? (Then again, what <em>wasn’t</em>?) But stars, even after all this time, he never failed to scare himself with his own actions. He could have never predicted he’d get so bad - hell, not even Garnet had. Some futures were more likely than others though, he supposed. It made him wonder what he would’ve had to do differently to not end up in this one. Probably a lot of stuff; he was sure there was a very long list of ways he had fucked up that got him to where he was now. </p><p>Steven pulled his sleeve up, assessing the damage. The sight still made his heart jump in a very sick form of excitement. They weren’t bad enough to truly fuck him over at least, even if a few of the cuts were still bleeding a little. Oh well. He was just thankful the gems hadn’t decided to come in - though that was a weird thing to worry about after everything they’d witnessed him do already. He was still incredibly ashamed of it; too ashamed to show anyone. No amount of logic would change that. </p><p>Downstairs, the gems were still arguing about what had happened. Their voices were muffled through the walls but he’d caught every word - it was what had woken him up in the first place. He couldn’t explain why it riled him up so much but after a minute of listening, he found himself absolutely seething.</p><p>They had to be joking. They couldn’t seriously be discussing how to <em>help</em> him, right? He didn’t get it. He didn’t understand why they weren’t listening, why they still acted like they trusted him despite everything he’d told them. They’d seen the worst of him - and he was objectively worse than anything they’d been up against - so why? They should be afraid of him. There should be shouting and anger and hatred - not this. They shouldn’t be on his side. They shouldn’t care. They shouldn’t want to help him.</p><p>So why were they still trying? </p><p>They think he’s redeemable huh? They still think he can be fixed - happy again, like when he was younger. 
Oh, he wished it worked that way. Unfortunately for him however, he’d fucked up. He’d fucked up very badly, and there was no coming back from that.</p><p>The gems hadn’t seemed to figure that out yet. It would explain why they were living in denial, but fucking hell, how could they <em>possibly</em> think they could help him? He’d downright threatened Amethyst yesterday and that barely made her back off - What? Did he get actually have to kill her for them to realise the problem couldn’t be fixed? Of course, he’d never want to do that. Never on purpose. Then again, his intentions didn’t mean shit anymore, not after actually <em>killing</em> someone. You don’t get away with murder by playing the ‘accident’ card, so why should he get special treatment?</p><p>But if they wanted to pretend, fine. He knew the truth, and deep down they knew it too. If he lost control for a second, he might hurt one of them. He’d seen the fear in their faces yesterday. They <em>knew</em> he was a threat, he just had to get them to admit it. And if they refused to admit it, well, actions speak louder than words. 

</p><p>And he would make them see exactly why he was better off dead. 


</p><p>The gems muffled arguing was silenced as his feet hit the floor. He enjoyed the feeling a little bit, admittedly, though knew better than to indulge in that power. It was kind of what got him into this mess in the first place. He took a deep breath, slipping his ruined jacket off and replacing it with another (of course he stocked up on duplicates) before making his way downstairs. He was feeling almost quite excited for this interaction. After all, they were the ones that wanted to play this game in the first place, and he was more than happy to take part. </p><p>Alright, Universe. Showtime.</p><p>—</p><p>“Good morning.” Steven greeted, huge smile plastered across his face.</p><p>Clearly, none of them knew what to say. It was expected. He was taking quite a different stance from the last time he saw them, after all. They stared at him for a while, a swirl of different of emotions crossing each of their faces. They were trying to show less than they actually felt, he noticed. After hearing their pained shouting earlier he’d gotten a pretty good insight on how they were really feeling. It wasn’t unusual for them to try and remain calm in terrible situations, however. They were quite talented at it.</p><p>“Steven, you’re up...” Pearl started. Steven met her gaze, grin falling slightly as he took her in. She looked paler than usual, if that were even possible. Her lips were pursed and pulled down into a slight frown, and her eyes, god. He just knew he’d broken her heart. She was sick with worry, and it was absolutely his fault. </p><p>Steven’s fingers twitched. He was trying hard to keep his composure, suddenly feeling very guilty for putting them all through this. God, he didn’t want to hurt them. He hated seeing them upset, and he hated that he’d made them that way in the first place. He wished there was a way to fix it. He wished it wasn’t like this. 

</p><p>The gem shook his head, teeth gritted. It didn’t work like that - and it wasn’t <em>about</em> what he wanted. He couldn’t just wait around until he hurt one of them; he had to sort himself out before it was too late. They trusted him way too much. It was his job to prove why they had to stop it - because if they didn’t, they would get hurt. 

</p><p>And if he really loved them, he wouldn’t let that happen. </p><p>“I’m heading out.” He announced, making his way to the door. It was a bit of a childish trap, honestly, but they’d been getting predictable recently. How could he not take advantage of that?

</p><p>He barely took a step forwards before Amethyst barrelled in front of him, blocking his path. “Uh, not so fast, buddy, I think there’s something we should-”</p><p>“What? You don’t want me going out?” He tried to bury his smirk, feigning innocence.</p><p>Pearl twisted her hands together, glancing down to her lap. “We just think it’s best you stay here for now, Steven.”</p><p>They were right where he wanted them. </p><p>“Why? You worried about what I might do?”</p><p>The gems looked at each other nervously. They didn’t need to say anything to confirm the answer. His smile only grew. Fucking finally. His shoulders relaxed, smile becoming somewhat genuine out of relief and satisfaction. “So you <em>do</em> think I’ll hurt someone, huh? You’re ready to admit it?”</p><p>A pause. They all look up at him, eyebrows furrowing.</p><p>“Steven, we meant <em>you</em>.” Garnet stated simply. </p><p>His grin dropped. “...What..?”</p><p>Amethyst winced. “Sorry man, but you know we’re right. After yesterday we kinda want to keep an eye on you, y’know?”</p><p>He stared at her blankly, feeling the anger inside him starting to flicker and spark. A multitude of thoughts rushed through his head all at once, only serving to work him up even further. So, he was back to being babied. <em>Steven, you can’t contemplate suicide in front of someone without consequences.</em> he reminded himself. He didn’t really know what else he expected from <em>them</em>, although expecting it didn’t necessarily mean they were right. And to think for a moment he thought they understood. Jesus, they needed to get their priorities straight. </p><p>“What is your problem?” He snapped suddenly, voice barely above a growl. “Don’t you think the people I might hurt are a little more important than <em>me</em>?”</p><p>Amethyst frowned, pained and sad and frustrated all at the same time. “Steven, you’re not less important than everybody else, you know?”</p><p>He found himself smiling, but nothing was funny. “Actually, no.” He explained. “Y-you see, I shattered someone, so you <em>shouldn’t</em> care about me, okay? You shouldn’t be on my side at all.”</p><p>“Why <em>shouldn’t</em> we care about you!?!” Pearl exclaimed suddenly. “Steven, we still need to talk about what happened with Jasper but I <em>know</em> you,” she cautiously took a step towards him, lowering her voice to something much more soft and motherly. “You would never do that intentionally, would you?”</p><p>Steven squeezed his eyes shut, turning away from Pearl. His fingers tugged at his hair, tangling themselves in his messy curls. “It doesn’t <em>matter</em>!”</p><p>“Dude, uh, yes it does!”</p><p>He snapped around to face Amethyst, causing her to flinch at the absolute pain in his eyes. It was a slap to the face for her. A chill ran up her spine at the thought that he had been suffering like this for God knows how long all by himself - and where were they? She wouldn’t let it happen again. She would be there for him this time.
</p><p>“Why would it matter what I <em>meant</em> to do <strong>now that she’s <em>dead</em></strong>!?”</p><p>The gems jolted back as the house was suddenly illuminated in bright magenta. Steven’s breath hitched, feeling the familiar buzz of his power spread through his body. No, no, no. He couldn’t lose control. Not around them. <em>Calm down. Just breathe.</em> </p><p>In...</p><p>Out...</p><p>In... </p><p>Out...</p><p>He shuddered, allowing the pink glow to gradually dissipate. The house was silent for a while, save for Steven’s laboured breathing that seemed to shake the walls. Or maybe that was just him. His eyes flew open, locking onto his quivering hands that were pressed against the wooden floor (Since when was on the floor?). He swallowed despite his dry mouth, desperately trying to compose himself. This wasn’t the plan. He couldn’t break again. He should’ve left earlier, it was selfish to even try to talk to the gems again when he was in such a state. God, he should’ve jumped when he had the chance. </p><p>A warm hand touched his shoulder. He seized up, involuntary letting out a small whimper. He covered his mouth, trying to mask the sound. The hand on him quickly became an arm, and then a body, wrapping slowly around his shaking frame.</p><p>“Hey bud, it’s okay.”</p><p>He would’ve wriggled away if another body didn’t engulf him, followed by another, effectively trapping him between them. They hugged him so tightly, and it was so <em>warm</em>. He remained tensed up at first, for as long as he could manage, though very slowly and reluctantly began to melt into it. He hated to admit it but it was nice. It was <em>really</em> nice. He hadn’t realised how touch starved he was. </p><p>Pretty soon his eyes welled with tears, body wracking with quiet sobs. He pushed against them, resisting their grasp for a moment before giving in, simply too exhausted to fight back. “N-no it’s <em>not</em> okay. I-I didn’t...” he gasped, struggling and struggling to take in enough air. “I didn’t mean to shatter her!” He choked. </p><p>Pearls quiet ‘Oh, Steven..’ only set him off more, tears and snot streaming down his face as he cried into Amethysts shoulder. He was sure her shirt was soaked through now, but she refused to budge, no matter how he tried to manoeuvre himself to avoid ruining her clothes. Slowly, he lifted his arms, wrapping them around the pile of gems that were smothering him relentlessly. They squeezed him back, trying to comfort his shaking frame. </p><p>“I-I took it too far,” he began, voice barely above a whisper. “She was training me in the forest.” He took another deep breath, and the words came almost too quickly and frantically for the gems to follow. “She taught me how to use my powers to be stronger a-and I asked for a rematch so we fought. I was so much stronger than before but she told me I was still holding back s-so I <em>stopped holding back</em> and I managed to pin her with one of my walls and then I just-” his breath hitched again before he let out another loud sob, blinking the tears out of his eyes. The gems hearts were breaking, utterly horrified by the fact he’d been dealing with this all by himself. </p><p>“I didn’t even think! How fucking careless is that?! A-and then I tried to heal her but it didn’t work at all. I used all the diamond essence and my healing spit and moms fountain and she <em>wouldn’t</em>! I couldn’t get her to..”</p><p>He inhaled shakily, trying to minimise the amount his voice trembled. They didn’t say anything, so he continued. “God, it’s so terrible. I’m such an awful person for this, I-I shouldn’t have...I’m out of control! Fuck, I shouldn’t be here. I wish I had just-“

</p><p>“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” Amethyst warned. She pulled away from the hug to look at him, and for the first time, Steven could see she was crying too. </p><p>“Look at me.” </p><p>He didn’t dare argue. Her voice was stern and powerful, stronger than he’d ever heard her sound before. “You are <em>not</em> a bad person. We both know damn well it was an accident and you did everything you could to fix it-”

</p><p>“N-no,” he shook his head, eyes screwed shut. “It doesn’t matter that I didn’t mean to do it. She’s still <em>gone</em>. I should still be punished for it.”</p><p>“Steven, that doesn’t mean jumping off a cliff!”

</p><p>He flinched, blinking. Amethyst took a moment to steady herself, inhaling deeply before continuing. “Yes, it’s bad. It’s...” She shuddered, and Steven got the feeling she wasn’t as calm and in control as she was letting on. </p><p>“It’s <em>really</em> not good, but I need you to understand that you are <em>not</em> a monster for it, Steven. Not at all. Do you understand?”</p><p>He looked down at her with blurry eyes, lip starting to quiver again.</p><p>“She’s right, Steven.” Garnet agreed, removing her visor to reveal three teary eyes. 

</p><p>“We’d <em>never</em> think that about you.” Pearl added. </p><p>He was mere seconds from breaking down after what Amethyst’s words but after Garnet and Pearl too? It was the last straw. The gems saw it coming as his nose scrunched up, head dipping to the ground as he started to sniff. They bombarded him with warmth and comfort, embracing him tight as he sobbed. Steven hugged them back quickly, tighter than he had in years. He sobbed and sobbed, and they let him for as long as he needed. </p><p>Amethyst’s heart sank at how much easier she found her arms wrapping around his small frame now. He’d been a little stocky his whole life, ever since he was a baby, but now? It was nothing anyone would notice immediately, but once you’re familiar with how someone fits within your arms, the change is pretty alarming. She made a mental note to keep an eye on his eating habits. No way in hell would she let him get any worse. </p><p>“I’m so sorry.” Amethyst said eventually, words muffled against his jacket. “We must have made you feel like you couldn’t talk to us, and that’s...<em>so</em> awful.”</p><p>Steven shook his head, and Amethyst swore she heard him huff out a bitter laugh. “It’s not your fault, none of you. I was the one that tried to hide everything-”</p><p>“Steven, don’t you think you’ve beaten yourself up enough already? Besides, we should have been there for you, okay? Whether you wanted our help or not.”</p><p>He started at her wide eyed, mouth slightly agape. After a moment he breathed out, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “T-thank you.” He whispered. “Thank you.”</p><p>They pulled away from him, giving him some space to breathe. Steven found himself crossing his arms, pulling at a loose thread on the sleeve of his jacket. “I’m sorry too. You’re my family, a-and I shouldn’t have kept this from you. I swear I won’t put you through something like this again.”</p><p>“Promise?”</p><p>“Promise.”</p><p>He wanted to try. That was the truth. 

</p><p>No, that didn’t fix it. None of it was fixed, however, being honest had immediately alleviated a huge amount of stress from his life. That was something. Part of him almost felt like this time, it could be different. Maybe he could make it better. With time and patience, one day he might finally feel okay again. </p><p>The other part of him wondered if he could make it to the door before they’d catch him. Maybe he could get somewhere really far away to rip his gem out or cut his flesh up, so far away that no one would ever have a chance of stopping him - but then he caught Amethyst’s eye, full of warmth and hope and relief, and he just couldn’t bring himself to move.   </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Amethyst taking charge of the serious emotional talk is *chefs kiss*</p><p>Considering she relates the most to him in that way I thought she was best suited to take care of him </p><p>ALSO!! I’m seriously considering changing this fics name to something a little more relevant? If you have any suggestions or thing I should just keep this one feel free comment!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>TW: PTSD flashbacks, graphic self harm</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I’ll try to keep this brief but I’m so sorry this took so long!! I found it super hard to write and I wasn’t satisfied with it for ages but it’s over now so I can finally die peacefully</p><p>I’ve never written PTSD before but I did a fuck ton of research so hopefully I did ok</p><p>Also I found out that rich text was an option and I didn’t have to write in HTML (which is what I’ve been doing for literally this whole fic) oop</p><p>Enjoy!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Blankets and pillows were strewn across Steven’s room as Amethyst prepared it for their movie night. Despite being incredibly tired in more ways than one, Steven actually didn’t mind having the gems’s company. It was kind of nice pretending everything was normal for a little while - even if his heartbeat skipped every time Amethyst stood too close to his bedside drawer, or sat near the blood stained part of his mattress.</p><p>It was fine. He didn’t have to think about that right now. He didn’t <em>want</em> to think about that at all. Just for now, he’d like to pretend everything was normal.</p><p>That was all he wanted.</p><p>Garnet and Pearl had gone to the kitchen to make snacks (because movie night was an event they took very seriously), so him and Amethyst were alone for the first time since she found him by the lighthouse that night.</p><p>He wondered if that was why she looked so unsettled - or at least not as loud and boisterous as she usually was. Earlier she hadn’t seemed too excited about the movie, well, less excited than she normally would be, but he figured the idea was just a ruse so the gems didn’t have to leave him alone for the night.</p><p>It was <em>definitely</em> a ruse, but it wasn’t disinterest that seemed to plague her. She seemed genuinely bothered by something. How long had she been like this? He’d been so caught up with his own problems that he hadn’t even noticed her.</p><p>(That feeling of guilt was so familiar, he barely even noticed it.)</p><p>He should probably ask her what’s wrong - or instead he could ignore it to avoid causing a problem and then worry all night about what she could possibly thinking. No, that was ridiculous. She’d looked after him when he was having a breakdown, he could at the very least make sure she was alright.</p><p>“Hey, Amethyst?”</p><p>She turned to him quickly, blinking. “Hm?”</p><p>He frowned. “Is something up? You seem...troubled? I don’t know.”</p><p>She stared at him quietly. Steven stared back, silently challenging her. Pretty soon she groaned, nose scrunching up. “Ugh, ya got me. But don’t worry about it now, man. It can wait.”</p><p>Steven’s frown deepened. He had a feeling she was only pushing her feelings down because he wasn’t doing great - and he didn’t want that. She was important. “Amethyst, you can tell me.” He insisted softly.</p><p>She rolled her eyes, and he tried not to be offended by it. “Dude, it’s <em>fine</em>, trust me, you won’t want to talk about it. Especially not after earlier.”</p><p>Oh, so it was about him.</p><p>Admittedly, she was right. Talking about Jasper had exhausted the hell out of him - and he really really would rather be done with discussing his feelings for as long as possible. But then he thought about what the upcoming weeks would be like, waiting anxiously for the day he’d have to break down in front of her <em>again</em>, and he just wasn’t sure he could handle it.</p><p>But what if that would be it? Just one more thing she needed clearing up before he’d be done with feeling awful and vulnerable and finally get a fucking <em>break</em>. God, he hoped so. He was so tired - but he’d rather get it done with now so he didn’t have to think about it anymore. It was bothering Amethyst, and he didn’t want her to be bothered. He’d done enough of that earlier, and she’d done enough of looking after him. Whatever it was, he could help - no matter how emotionally exhausted he was.</p><p>Just once more. He could manage that.</p><p>“Seriously, I’d rather you just tell me. But only if you want to!” He added quickly. “I don’t wanna pressure you but I’d rather get it over with, y’know?” He shrugged, trying to appear a lot more calm and nonchalant than he was actually feeling. </p><p>She deflated, shoulders rolling back as she pushed her hands through her hair. “Well it’s just...”</p><p>She glanced up at him a few times, concern written all over her face. It was really worrying him, and he was starting to wonder if he could actually handle whatever it was that was bothering her so much.</p><p>It was too late now, anyway.</p><p>“..Why did you say that thing about White? About wanting to shatter her...?”</p><p>Steven instantly felt himself stiffen.</p><p>He couldn’t bring himself to speak. Or move. He didn’t really know what to expect - but this was still somehow worse than he thought it would be. His mouth was suddenly dry, sweaty hands clasping and unclasping against the mattress. Amethyst picked up on his discomfort immediately, eyes blowing wide. “You don’t have to talk about it now! I’m sorry for bringing it up dude, it’s been a <em>really</em> rough day.”</p><p>He swallowed, gradually finding the strength to speak again. “N-no, don’t worry. It’s fine, it’s just...”</p><p>Why did he want to shatter White? Unfortunately, it was a little harder to explain than what happened to Jasper. You see, the situation with Jasper was an accident, but he’d attacked White out of pure resentment and hatred. He suspected Amethyst would struggle to make up a reason for why <em>that</em> didn’t make him a bad person - though it might be interesting to see her try. </p><p>It wouldn’t be so bad if it was just about smashing her head into a pillar, but of course, Steven seemed to like making his life difficult for himself. Well, in reality he just avoided facing his problems until they came back and bit him in the ass later down the line.</p><p>And that was exactly what had happened.</p><p>Because that night on Homeworld when White ripped his gem out? The gems didn’t know.</p><p>He never told them.</p><p>Okay, it sounded bad. Maybe it <em>was</em> bad, he supposed. But it didn’t matter at the time. That was all. At first he hadn’t really processed that under White’s control, the gems wouldn’t actually remember what happened - but once the fight was over and everything was finally okay again, he simply didn’t bring it up. Why would he? It would have only upset them. They’d be furious that she hurt him - and if they were furious at her they’d probably start another war with the Diamonds or something.</p><p>You can guess who’d be left to sort that mess out.</p><p>But Steven didn’t <em>want</em> to be the peacekeeper anymore. He was done, and finally ready to just be..a kid. It made him wonder when that started being such an unattainable goal. Was it meant to be the bare minimum? Or was he truly not supposed to get a normal life? It didn’t matter anyway. If there was anything he’d learnt in these past 17 years of being alive, it was that he didn’t really get a say in it.</p><p>But that was fine! Helping people was really important. Plus, if he wasn’t there for everyone, who would be? (Steven tried to push down the fact that no one <em>actually</em> needed his help anymore. He’d lost his purpose a long time ago.)</p><p>Nope, he wasn’t going to think about that. He couldn’t get upset again.</p><p>Anyway, he just didn’t want the gems to be mad at White. That was predominantly why he hadn’t told them about what happened yet. Though quite frankly, it was an incredibly awful experience and he didn’t <em>want</em> to talk about it, even though he kind of knew he shouldn’t keep something like that to himself. In all fairness Connie never brought it up either (which he was secretly thankful for), and so it was just left alone.</p><p>Festering.</p><p>Dismantling the empire was going to take a while. Years - but it was important - more important than how he felt - and the Diamonds actually needed his help. So what if White made him a little uncomfortable? He wasn’t just going to <em>not</em> work with her because of what she did. That would be selfish. So once again, he said nothing. He dealt with her until the work was done - and for every interaction he’d had with her since, because that’s just what Steven Universe was supposed to <em>do</em>.</p><p>He didn’t think he’d crack. Of course he didn’t, or he’d never have forced himself to be around her. Honestly, he didn’t even know he was mad at her at all. Nervous and uncomfortable, sure, but not <em>angry</em>. He hadn’t thought about it. At least, whenever he found himself thinking about it he pushed it to the back of his mind. Adding his feelings to the mix would have just made everything worse.</p><p>He shouldn’t have gotten mad at her. He should be able to be around the people he disliked without throwing a fit. How childish was he to not even manage that? Why was he incapable of being nice?</p><p>Maybe he just pushed himself too far that one time. That was all.</p><p>It wasn’t a big deal. It didn’t have to be.</p><p>But he’d blurted out wanting to shatter her that night, because he was an idiot. Of course they’d want an explanation - that was on him for not thinking it through. And mere hours ago he’d literally promised Amethyst he wouldn’t keep secrets like that from them. How awful would it be to immediately go back on that? The gems didn’t deserve to be lied to.</p><p>His head snapped to the door as Garnet and Pearl walked in, snacks in hand. They froze at the entrance, probably sensing the cold atmosphere. “Is something the matter...?” Pearl asked, even though the answer was obvious.</p><p>He wanted to say no, everything was just <em>fine</em>, but he didn’t get that privilege. They deserved to know what happened, whether he truly wanted to talk about it or not. But God, he’d been burying this memory for years and there was no doubt that reliving it would be hell - but shit, he’d told Amethyst to ask him. He’d told her he wanted to get it over with. If he went back on that now, she’d know he must be really uncomfortable with that question - and then she’d know how serious the situation was, and that would only worry her and the gems even <em>more</em>. Didn’t they deserve a break? Hadn’t he made them suffer enough?</p><p>Steven swallowed, tongue heavy and dry in his mouth. “I think there’s something I need to tell you guys.”</p><p>—</p><p>Steven twisted his hands together, waiting for the gems to settle down on the bed. He had a feeling this conversation would be a blow to his mental stability, but, well...too bad. They deserved to know - and if talking about it now after bottling it away for years hurt him, that would only be <em>his</em> problem.</p><p>The gems were quiet. They hadn’t said a word since they sat down, which kind of made him anxious. But stars, he was right to he anxious. There was no way this was going to go well.</p><p>After a moment of delaying the inevitable, Steven sighed, eyes glued to his feet as he forced the words out. “I...don’t get along with White.”</p><p>Even though they had no reason to be worried yet, he could feel the gems tense up. He supposed he’d kind of pretended to get along with her for years and never actually told them anything was wrong - and the fact they were only finding out now probably didn’t mean anything good either.</p><p>“You guys remember being in Whites head? When she was controlling you?”</p><p>He felt a chill in his stomach, fingers twitching. The more he thought about what happened back then, the more his breathing picked up. It drove him mad. Fucking hell, did he really have to lose himself over every little thing? It was pathetic.</p><p>He pushed through the terrible feeling anyway, telling himself he didn’t have a choice in whether they knew or not. He didn’t have a right to keep stuff like this from them, not when it hurt them so badly.</p><p>“She thought Pink was in my gem. She was so sure she was in there, she...she just needed to get her to come out.” Steven choked up on the last few words, hand subconsciously gripping over his abdomen - his gem - protectively.</p><p>A feeling of absolute dread came over all the gems at once.</p><p>“Steven, you..you don’t mean she...” Pearl uttered, fingers pressed against her mouth.</p><p>Steven squeezed his eyes shut, forcing himself to continue. “The gems she was controlling held Connie back. I couldn’t fight, of course I wasn’t gonna hurt you guys. She picked me up really easily after that a-and then she-”</p><p>His heartbeat raced. He wasn’t even looking at them. He couldn’t. Speaking was hard enough without seeing their faces - and he just knew he’d break it he did. Nope, that wasn’t going to happen. Not twice in one day.<br/>
He swallowed, tears pricking the corners of his eyes despite every instinct that screamed at him to hold himself together. God, why was he crying? It wasn’t so bad. He’d been through worse. Probably.</p><p>He didn’t want to think about it.</p><p>Steven opened his mouth, voice wavering and barely audible, yet still as loud as he could make it. “A-and then she...she pulled my gem out.”</p><p>—</p><p>The gems could hardly process what they were hearing.</p><p>The thought of that happening to anyone was horrifying enough - but knowing it happened to Steven pained them in such a different way. He’d been hurt terribly - and they couldn’t change that. They couldn’t make it better. Not this time. </p><p>This was something that had happened <em>years</em> ago. He never told them. He’d been dealing with it silently this entire time - and they hadn’t even noticed. They didn’t know he was hurting at all until very recently. It made them wonder if the way he was suffering now was their fault. It had to be, at least partly. There had to be a reason why he hadn’t told them - and it was probably because they hadn’t made him feel like he <em>could. </em>Steven was the one that suffered for it. How awful was that? They were his family. They were supposed to look after him.</p><p>And they’d failed.</p><p>Garnet cut through the silence, voice heavy and pained. “Steven, we’re so sorry.”</p><p>And it felt utterly pathetic. Was ‘sorry’ supposed to fix everything that happened to him under their noses? Was it meant to make him okay? He didn’t look okay. Not at all. Steven’s fists were clenched, face contorted in pain and distress as he looked down to the floor. They knew he was more upset than he was letting on, but of <em>course</em> he was. What they were seeing right now was the one glimpse they’d gotten of how he’d truly been feeling about White - the first glimpse they’d <em>ever</em> gotten.</p><p>How did they let this happen?</p><p>Amethyst went to touch him. Last time he had melted into it, and comfort was all she could really do at this stage anyway. This time Steven yelped, jumping away from her like he’d been shocked. Amethysts eyes blew wide at his reaction. “Steven, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean-”</p><p>”<em>Don’t</em>.” He gasped, noise muffled by the hand he’d slapped over his mouth. The other gripped his gem hard like he thought it might disappear otherwise (and after pondering the thought briefly, Amethyst realised he had a good fucking reason to worry about that). When his entire body started to shake and quiet tears pricked his eyes, she could only think one thing:<br/>
<br/>
White was going to be <em>really</em> fucking sorry.</p><p>But Steven was the priority right now. The gems exchanged a worried look, trying to work out what they could possibly do to make this better. He was hurting more than they could understand, and they doubted that was even all of it. It took him months to admit what had happened with Jasper. He’d only just told them about White, a few years late. What other terrible things had he been through? What else had he bottled up? They feared they might never know the answer. </p><p>They also feared they were the ones making it <em>worse</em>.</p><p>Why would he choose to tell them about this now after keeping it to himself for so long? He certainly didn’t seem comfortable talking about it; in fact, it genuinely seemed to be hurting him. They hoped so badly he didn’t feel pressured to talk to them. Stars, they hoped they weren’t hurting him further.</p><p>It took them a second to process that something in Steven had changed all of a sudden. His body still visibly quivered and his eyes were still glazed with tears - but he was eerily quiet and still. From an outside perspective, you wouldn’t think he was upset at all. A calmness had washed over him, face lifeless and blank.</p><p>Disturbingly blank.</p><p>Amethyst was getting more alarmed by the second. ”Steven...?” </p><p>There was no answer.<br/>
<br/>
Garnet kneeled down to his level, words quiet and gentle despite her growing concern. “Steven, can you hear me?” The other two stepped back, allowing her to take charge of the situation. With Garnet’s future vision they trusted she had a pretty good chance of knowing how to help him.</p><p>That’s what they thought, at least. </p><p>At first, Steven didn’t respond. Garnet was about to try again when he suddenly gripped at his hair, falling to his knees with a loud yell of anguish. “Stop it! Stop it! <strong>Stop it!</strong>”</p><p>They were absolutely <em>stunned</em>.</p><p>All of their instincts screamed at them to help him - but there was nothing they could do without making the situation worse. Steven didn’t want to be touched. He wasn’t in a place to be reasoned with - and being completely helpless when he was suffering so much was absolutely agonising.</p><p>A couple of days ago they had <em>no idea</em> he was feeling this bad. They knew something was the matter - but instead they decided to give him space. It was ridiculous looking back thinking that could’ve helped. They should have done something. Maybe then he wouldn’t have gotten so bad. Maybe they’d have figured out a way to pull him out of this spiral.</p><p>They feared it was just too late now.</p><p>
  <em>—</em>
</p><p>Steven didn’t mean to snap at her - he barely even noticed that he <em>had</em>. He really hoped Garnet didn’t think it was aimed at her, but his brain was a bit too preoccupied to even <em>think</em> of apologising right now (although he was sure as hell going to beat himself up over it later).</p><p>He didn’t really know why he was freaking out - and that only made him freak out <em>more</em>. He wanted to throw up or scream or just pass out so he didn’t have to deal with this awful feeling any longer.</p><p>While he was vaguely aware of his family’s presence, he felt a million miles away - and his hope of reconnecting with them shrunk every second he spent panicking. He didn’t know why he felt like this. He didn’t understand what was even happening. All he <em>did</em> know was that he wasn’t in control of his body or feelings at all and he felt like he was going to <em>die</em>.</p><p>—</p><p>Maybe he just would.</p><p>He’d never been separated from his gem before. He didn’t know what was going to happen to him - and that thought alone was terrifying enough. Her light was blinding, a stark contrast to her sickening grin and dagger-like nails that kept getting closer and closer to him. </p><p>To his gem. </p><p>Steven was sure he was hyperventilating now, not that he could do anything about it. He’d tried. He’s tried so hard, and he was <em>still</em> going to lose. No one was coming to save him. Not this time.</p><p>Her nails were around his gem now, pulling and pulling and god, it <em>hurt</em>. He felt seconds from vomiting and she wasn’t going to stop anytime soon and she was pulling so hard and <em>fuck, he was going to die.</em></p><p>Connie screamed. He was going to die.</p><p>A sharp pain jolted through his abdomen. His ears rang, blocking out the sounds of his laboured breathing and Connie’s panicked and desperate screams of protest. An overwhelming amount of dizziness quickly followed, turning his vision dark.</p><p>He was going to die. He was so sure of it.</p><p>—</p><p>In a second it was all gone. He was back on the floor of his bedroom with a sharp gasp, surrounded by the equally panicked gems. Steven tugged his shirt up frantically, stopping still when he caught sight of his gem - firmly in its place like nothing ever happened. Relief washed over him immediately. If his gem was here, he was okay. Nothing was wrong. </p><p>
  <em>So why are you shaking? Why can’t you control yourself?</em>
</p><p>He was okay.</p><p>
  <em>Then why does your heart race? Why are you crying?</em>
</p><p>Everything was fine.</p><p>
  <em>..Except it wasn’t. Not at all.</em>
</p><p>”What the <em>hell</em> just happened...?” Amethyst asked slowly, dread in her voice.</p><p>Steven touched his gem, shaky fingers gracing the along where the edges met his flesh. <em>It’s fine.</em> “I...I don’t know.”</p><p>He could barely comprehend the feeling of reliving that moment. He didn’t even know that was something that could <em>happen; </em>it terrified him. It might even happen again - and would he know if it was going to? Or would he be plunged back into it randomly like his head was being forced underwater? How could he cope with that being a possibility? How could he ever feel okay again? </p><p>“Steven, are you alright?”</p><p>He lifted his head, meeting Pearls equally frightened eyes. A shake of his head was all he could manage as an answer, and her face fell.</p><p>There was nothing he could say. Maybe he should’ve just kept the whole White thing to himself. Thinking about it really did make him feel worse - and nothing came of it anyway. The gems couldn’t help. That time it was completely out of their control. Maybe opening up just wasn’t worth it, not when nothing was going to change. </p><p>Did he even want it to change? </p><p>He wasn’t denying their help, nor was he trying to get worse, but actively trying to be better was a struggle. If trying involved him reliving everything bad that ever happened to him, maybe he didn’t want to try at all. A while ago he had really thought nobody could help him. The talk he had earlier with the gems had given him a glimmer of hope - but now? He wasn’t so sure after all. Maybe he <em>wouldn’t</em> be okay again. </p><p>Maybe he just wasn’t supposed to be. </p><p>“Steven, please. Can you tell us what happened?” Garnet asked softly. She knelt down to his level again, meeting his eyes with such concern and warm sincerity that he almost wished he could.</p><p>He swallowed, eyes falling down to his lap. “I- I’m sorry. I <em>can’t</em>. I just- can’t.”</p><p>There were very few feelings worse than disappointing Garnet.</p><p>He didn’t know what it had looked like to them, but it must have been bad enough to worry them deeply. Hell, they were <em>already</em> worried - so adding more problems to the mix certainly didn’t help. Steven wiped his eyes with his sleeve before putting his hands in his lap, twisting them together out of habit. He hoped they didn’t notice the way they shook, though he was almost certain they already had.</p><p>“We need to call Greg.” Garnet announced suddenly. Amethyst and Pearl looked puzzled for a moment before nodding firmly in agreement. A human. Maybe the gems weren’t suited for helping Steven because this wasn’t <em>entirely</em> a gem issue - but Greg was the solution for that. Plus, he was always good at getting through to Steven - and the kid looked like he needed it. They couldn’t let him bottle this up for much longer because, stars, it was so much worse than they could have ever imagined. It must be taking a toll on him. The gems would do anything to help but sometimes they just needed to step back and admit they weren’t the best to deal with every situation.</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Steven’s eyes widened. “No...no you can’t tell dad, I don’t want him to know about any of this.”</span>
</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">Amethyst frowned. ”Dude you </span> <em><span class="s2">need</span></em> <span class="s1"> help, and he’ll know what to do. Seriously, it’ll be alright.”</span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">No. It wasn’t good enough. </span>
</p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">He couldn’t tell his father that he </span> <em> <span class="s2">murdered</span> </em> <span class="s1"> somebody. That was insane. Sure, Greg was the most understanding person he knew but there was no way he’d be okay with what he did. At the same time, did he really expect to keep it a secret from him for the rest of his life? Well, no. Admittedly he hadn’t thought that far ahead, though that didn’t change the fact that he desperately didn’t want Greg to know any of it. </span></p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“Please don’t.” He begged.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">They weren’t going to change their minds, he already knew that. He didn’t know why he even bothered trying. </span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">“I’m sorry, Steven,” Garnet began. “Greg knows how to help in ways we don’t. We need him.”</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Steven put his head in his hands. He really, really, didn’t want this. He loved his dad but his problems were, quite frankly, shameful. He didn’t know why he told the gems at all. Maybe he shouldn’t have. Maybe it was a mistake. With more people now finding out about what happened, he felt like this situation was getting out of his hands.<br/>
</span>
</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">He was just too tired to do anything about it.</span>
</p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">Steven had forced himself to tell the gems about this for their sake, because didn't they deserve to know? But it had only hurt him. He felt so much worse than he did before, and he <em>knew</em> he wasn’t strong enough to argue with them. </span> <span class="s1">Whether he wanted Greg to know or not, they were going to tell him. The only choice he <em>actually</em> had was whether he wanted to go out peacefully or with a fight. </span></p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">Luckily for them, he’d already given up.<br/>
</span>
</p><p class="p2"><span class="s1">Steven shook his head emptily. </span>“Just...do what you want, okay? I don’t care anymore.”</p><p class="p2">
  <span class="s1">They were silent, and he almost wondered if they were <em>expecting</em> a fight.Steven supposed he was just sorry to disappoint them. <br/>
</span>
</p><p class="p2">Amethyst frowned at him sympathetically. He tried not to let it annoy him. “We’re sorry, man, but we’ve gotta do what’s best for you. You know that, right?”</p><p class="p2">“Sure.” </p><p class="p2">The gems shared a look. Steven got the feeling he’d said something wrong - something that worried them. That was the last thing he wanted. They couldn’t look after him all the time; he didn’t <em>want</em> them to look after him at all. He hated feeling like a burden. “Sorry,” he added quickly. “I’m just tired, that’s all.”</p><p class="p2">Pearl raised an eyebrow. “<em>Is</em> that all...?”</p><p class="p2">“<em>Yes</em>.” He snapped. “It is.”</p><p class="p2">He didn’t mean to get irritated at them. He hated the feeling, but he couldn’t help it. There was a lot going on in his head that he hadn’t been given time to process and he really <em>really</em> couldn’t deal with them being here right now. It was just too much. He wanted to be alone. </p><p class="p2">Almost as if she’d heard him, Garnet stood up. “We’ll let you rest, then. You look like you need it.”</p><p class="p2">The other two reluctantly followed suit, flashing him nervous glances as they trailed behind her out of his bedroom. Amethyst stopped still in the doorway once Garnet and Pearl were half way downstairs. “Sleep well, buddy.”</p><p class="p2">Her eyes were sad. It made his heartbeat race, because he <em>knew</em> she knew that he wasn’t okay. She always knew. Before he’d confessed everything she had continually been suspicious, but now that that all her worries were confirmed and she <em>knew</em> he was lying before, well...she wasn’t going to let him get away with shit.</p><p class="p2">Not if he didn’t get better at hiding it. </p><p class="p2">“Eat that popcorn.” She ordered, pointing to where it sat on his bedside table before closing the door behind her. </p><p class="p2">He knew better than to think it was optional. </p><p class="p2">—</p><p class="p2">Once Steven could hear the gems busying themselves (talking about him) downstairs, he made his way to the bedside table. It wasn’t for the popcorn. He wasn’t hungry. No amount of orders from Amethyst could give him an appetite after what happened. It wasn’t a secret that Steven didn’t exactly know how to deal with his problems. This time it was so much worse because he didn’t know <em>why</em> this was happening to him. How could he go about fixing that? </p><p class="p2">The conclusion he came to was that he <em>couldn’t</em> fix it. Not by himself, and he wasn’t in a place to get help from another person. There was only one thing Steven did know how to do. One thing that might make him feel less awful. </p><p class="p2">He pulled the drawer open, reaching down through layers of shirts and socks until he felt the familiar cold handle of the kitchen knife. Part of him was surprised that the gems still hadn’t noticed it were missing, but he supposed they had other issues to worry about at the moment. He knew he’d have to put it back before they did, there was no way he would give them a single reason to suspect he had any more secrets - especially something like this. </p><p class="p2">He tugged his sleeves up, heartbeat spiking at the sight of his ruined arms before slowly bringing the blade towards his wrist. He flinched at the touch. The flesh was tender and red, not yet recovered from the violent wounds he’d given to himself the previous night. Unfortunately his brain didn’t care how recent they were - the urge to do it again just wouldn’t go away.<br/>
<br/>
The gem pushed the knife down, digging the pointed tip into his skin. In one swift motion there was a dark gash, blood slowly building to the surface before trickling down his arm. His heart pounded. He repeated it again - and again - movements erratic and quick and sloppy. He couldn’t seem to stop himself now that he’d started. God, it felt good. His arms shook uncontrollably but it didn’t stop him. It wasn’t like he had anything to lose.</p><p class="p2">Only when his head started feeling cloudy and full did he sit back with an unsteady breath, assessing the damage. It was pretty much the same as always - not as bad as it could be, but enough. Enough for now. He felt better already, but only if he pushed down the guilt and shame he felt over the fact this was still the <em>only</em> way he knew how to cope. </p><p class="p2">What would the gems think? His father? Connie? He couldn’t bare the thought. </p><p class="p2">But he didn’t have to. Even if they knew every awful thing he’d ever done, they didn’t have to know about <em>this</em>. He didn’t know what he’d do with himself if they did. They’d probably make him stop. They’d take his knife away from him - and then what would he have? What would he do with himself? As embarrassing as it was, he relied on cutting. Nothing silenced the bad thoughts better, so he didn’t <em>want</em> to stop. He didn’t need to. He wasn’t even sure that he was capable of it.</p><p class="p2">Maybe it was bad and weird and absolutely shameful, but it helped.</p><p class="p2">It was the <em>only</em> thing that helped, and <em>no one</em> was going to take that away from him.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>EDIT!! I made art for this fic! I don’t know how to post a link but it’s on my tumblr @3am-in-the-park , let me know if you check it out! </p><p>Thank you to everyone that comments, leaves kudos and bookmarks! It means so much to me!! </p><p>Also I’ve added more songs to the playlist (writing this for apierce mostly but also whoever else listened to it!)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>HELLO IM HERE IM BACK!!</p><p>Obviously I’m SO sorry for the huge wait, holy shit (especially for the people who asked when it would be out and I misjudged how long it would be lol. Sorry!) I never meant to leave such a huge break or make you guys think I gave up on  this fic but life kinda got in the way (I’ve been preparing for uni interview stuff ew), plus we’re getting closer to the end so these chapters take more planning and I don’t wanna rush them!</p><p>Also this chapter is fucking long, (just under 10K, 36 mins average reading time) so maybe that makes up for it </p><p>Thank you all for being so patient 💕</p><p>Hope you enjoy !</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steven was asleep.</p><p>The last few days had been hectic to say the least. Steven had been upset and erratic and out of control; the gems hadn’t had a second of time to really process the things he was telling them. Their priority was to comfort him. Keep him safe. Be there for him. It didn’t matter what happened or how they felt about it. All they needed was for him to be safe and okay and not in immediate danger.</p><p>Now that he was, they didn’t actually know what to do with themselves.</p><p>It was all so much to think about. It hurt to admit that he’d done something very wrong - but no matter what, Steven wasn’t a monster. He wasn’t a bad person. They <em>knew</em> him. He was sweet and kind and loving and he wouldn’t even think of hurting someone like that. Hell, they were almost certain he was incapable of it.</p><p>Except, that’s exactly what he did.</p><p>Jasper was gone because of him; that wasn’t easy for the gems to admit. Even if it was just for a second, he’d lost control of himself. He’d forgotten everything the Crystal Gems stood for - everything they’d taught him. Shattering was why Garnet had to leave Homeworld. It was why Rose bubbled Bismuth for thousands of years. It was the reason they’d resented the Diamonds - and Steven had done exactly what they had.</p><p><em>No</em>. No, it wasn’t like that at all. Steven never meant to hurt her. Of course he hadn’t. They saw how torn apart he was over this, and he’d genuinely tried everything he possibly could to bring her back. Hell, he couldn’t be more sorry if he tried.</p><p>But was being sorry enough?</p><p>This was a life. This was someone they <em>knew</em>. Sure, the gems weren’t exactly close with Jasper but that didn’t mean she was any less important than the countless gems that were shattered during the War or by the Diamonds. She didn’t matter less.</p><p>It didn’t hurt less.</p><p>Being sorry wouldn’t bring her back. Feeling bad wouldn’t bring her back. Then again, what else was the kid supposed to do? It happened. It happened, and it couldn’t be reversed. Even if it was a mistake, that fact was never going to change, no matter how much they wanted it to. Nevertheless, accepting that wasn’t going to make them feel better. It wouldn’t make it easier to cope with. Stars, it probably never would be easy. They still couldn’t quite comprehend that Steven was telling the truth about what he did - that he really shattered her. Despite all of their feelings, they had to remember this wasn’t entirely his fault and they couldn’t put all the blame on him. They were angry and distraught and confused - but they were <em>not</em> going to take it out on him.</p><p>And the things he’d said - threatening to hurt Amethyst? Telling them to just- <em>shatter</em> him like it was nothing? The way he screamed and cried when he talked about what White Diamond did? The way he tried to jump off a <em>cliff</em>? This wasn’t normal. He was suffering so much more than they knew. His powers were changing. He was closing himself off, he had been for months, way before Jasper was shattered. This was a long term problem that they failed to pick up on. They only wished they had done something sooner.</p><p>And now Steven was convinced he was going to end up hurting one of them - and they weren’t sure he was <em>entirely</em> wrong. It was a horrible thought. They knew he’d never do anything like that on purpose, regardless of what he’d said to Amethyst, but the fact he genuinely didn’t have a hold over his outbursts was slightly concerning. It wasn’t that the gems were worried for themselves - nor were they scared of him - but he clearly needed help. Help they couldn’t <em>give</em> him. He’d been hurt in more ways than one, and probably more than they even knew. They had no doubts that Steven still had secrets, but even the stuff they did know had to have taken a huge toll on him. Had he always been suffering? Quietly? Did they make it worse? Stars, they should have been there for him.</p><p>Amethyst was the hardest hit by it. She could spot when Steven wasn’t doing well - and she <em>had</em>. She knew something was wrong with him. Admittedly, she’d tried to do something about it; she’d tried at every angle - but being worried didn’t help. Pretending nothing was wrong didn’t help. Confronting him didn’t help. She didn’t know what else she could’ve done, but that didn’t stop her from feeling endlessly guilty - because, what would have happened if she hadn’t decided to look for him night? She could barely bring herself to think about it.</p><p>And what White did was absolutely despicable. They couldn’t believe he’d kept that to himself for so long, but their concern momentarily over washed their anger, because they just couldn’t leave Steven hurting like this - and even though they were doing everything they could - giving him all the love and support they were capable of - it just wasn’t enough. It wasn’t going to make him better. They feared for his safety when he was like this. They feared that if he wanted to hurt himself back on that cliff - even if it was just a split second thought - he might do it again. Steven needed something more. They hoped Greg would know what to do. Steven was part human after all, and if this wasn’t a gem issue then there could only be one explanation.</p><p>That was all they could hope for, at least.</p><p>—</p><p>Greg sat on the edge of the sofa, hands gripped around a mug of lukewarm coffee. Minutes prior, Pearl had called him. She hadn’t disclosed much, only that they needed him to come over and it was a Steven-related issue. By the strain in her voice he knew it was something serious, and so in protective fatherly fashion he barrelled through the front door frantic and worried, flip flops half falling off his feet.</p><p>That was the moment the gems realised Greg was absolutely going to flip out when they told him what happened. </p><p>Steven’s presence was probably the only reason <em>they</em> had managed to stay composed whilst receiving that information. Making sure he was okay was way more important than how they felt - but without the teen present they worried Greg wouldn’t hold the same restraint. How could they expect him to? Despite his concern they knew he wasn’t going to expect this - and that was going to make the conversation all the more difficult.</p><p>Pearl silently walked over to the sofa, taking a seat on the end of the couch, furthest from Greg. She’d been pacing for almost the whole time he’d been over. She always paced when she was worrying - and he didn’t have the courage to try and stop her. Garnet was already seated when he arrived, albeit abnormally quiet. Amethyst was much the same, aside from offering to make him a coffee - which he reluctantly accepted, more out of politeness than actually believing it was edible (yes, edible. It was more bean than anything). She was buried in the corner of the sofa between several cushions, occasionally tipping her head back to take a brief and sad glance at Steven’s closed door. He couldn’t say it did anything at all to calm his nerves.</p><p>“We’re sorry, Greg.” Pearl began after a moment, smoothing out the non-existent creases in her jacket. “I’m sure you’re wondering what’s going on.”</p><p>The man managed to conjure up a gentle smile despite his stress. “I just want to know he’s okay.”</p><p>At that, all three of them went weirdly tense, sharing an uncomfortable glance so brief he was barely sure it happened. “Right,” Pearl uttered, staring down at her lap. “Of course.”</p><p>There was something truly dreadful about their reaction that Greg just couldn’t seem to look past. “What’s...going on...?”</p><p>Pearl shifted. Amethyst and Garnet remained quiet, allowing her to take charge of the situation. Garnet still had a tendency to be blunt and Amethyst didn’t seem too keen to talk either, so Pearl was the obvious choice to explain everything that happened. Even so, she struggled. She struggled because, well, she didn’t really know what to say. She didn’t know what to <em>think</em>. Sure, Steven had started to open up a little bit but that was hardly enough to understand what he was going through. It hurt to even think about - let alone talk about aloud. Let alone justify. Even the snippets of what she <em>did</em> know were beyond her understanding and, well, she supposed that’s why the gems needed Greg’s help in the first place. That’s why they had to try.</p><p>She sighed. “We’re...<em>worried</em> about him. You know he hasn’t been doing too great with his powers recently and his emotions are completely-”</p><p>”It’s gotten worse?”</p><p>She cringed. “Its...not something we can fix. We don’t know what to do to help him - it’s- it’s <em>beyond</em> what we can do-” She took a deep, shuddering breath. Garnet put her hand on her back, steadying her.</p><p>“He’s okay, right? Please, I need to know!”</p><p>She didn’t answer right away, which was more than enough time for him to really start panicking. “Pearl...?”</p><p>“He’s...better than he was...”</p><p>“What happened?”</p><p>“Well...he...he didn’t mean to- at least- he’s not a bad person- but, well...” Pearl swallowed, tongue heavy and dry. Greg could only watch her, eyes wide, as she struggled to form the words. The seriousness of the situation was becoming abundantly clear, and he was really struggling to keep his composure.</p><p>“There was an <em>accident</em>...with Steven and another gem. He didn’t mean to do anything, you know how he’s been recently with his powers and his outbursts and well...”</p><p>Before Pearl could continue, a very distinctive click of a door opening cut through the room, sharp and sudden. Their heads all snapped towards the sound, drawing their attention to the top of the stairs, where a very disgruntled, tired Steven stood. His mouth was pulled into a thin line, hands balled into fists by his sides. He didn’t seem surprised to see Greg - though he certainly didn’t seem happy about it either.</p><p>“Hi, Dad.”</p><p>Greg hadn’t seen Steven for weeks - and in that time the kids appearance had absolutely deteriorated. The bags under his eyes were strong and dark, highlighted against his paler-than-usual skin. His hair was ruffled, clothes crumpled and creased and dirty - but those were barely alarming in comparison to the expression of absolute pain he held on his face. This wasn’t something Greg was familiar with. Steven’s eyes weren’t like this. They weren’t dull and sad. He didn’t frown - at least, not like this. Not so deeply. Greg could only stare, mouth slightly parted in shock as he took it all in. “Oh, Steven...”</p><p>“Hey, buddy,” Amethyst interrupted, a softness in her voice that Greg didn’t recognise. “Couldn’t sleep?”</p><p>“I could hear you talking.” He mumbled, an edge of bitterness behind his words.</p><p>The gems glanced at each other, knowing fully well that Steven wasn’t happy about his father getting involved. It wasn’t like they were trying to upset him, but they didn’t exactly have a choice. Steven was in danger - they didn’t <em>know</em> what else they could do. Him being mad at them was the least of their worries.</p><p>“We’re sorry for waking you.” Garnet supplied.</p><p>Steven shook his head. “S’fine. I’m not tired.”</p><p>“Steven, bud, you look-”</p><p>“I’m <em>fine</em>, okay? Get off my back.”</p><p>Greg recoiled, completely taken aback by the kids clipped tone. The gems seemed upset, but not overly surprised. Steven only glared. There was something off about the way he looked and behaved - deeper than him just being disheveled and tired. Something was wrong.</p><p>Very, very wrong.</p><p>Greg put on a gentle smile, making an obvious attempt to diffuse the situation. “Hey kiddo, why don’t you come down and we can talk about all this?”</p><p>Steven glanced at his father - and then back at the gems. Slowly and begrudgingly, he started making his way down the stairs. Greg was pretty sure his strategy worked until the kid started to speak.</p><p>“Is it that hard? Is it- is it so <em>bad</em> you can’t even tell dad what happened?”</p><p>Amethyst frowned. “C’mon man, you know it’s not like that.”</p><p>He ignored her, stomping across the room until he was standing right across the table from them. “I begged you not to talk to him last night and now what? You <em>can’t</em>?” Despite all the hurt he was feeling, his words came out aggressive and full of venom. He shook his head at himself, biting the inside of his cheek. “I heard how you sounded, Pearl! I-it’s like, you can’t even bare to talk about what happened even though you seemed fine before a-and I...” He swallowed, trying to control the way his voice cracked and wavered. “I just can’t stop thinking you must be hurting so much more than you’re letting on.”</p><p>He took a deep, shuddering breath, sweaty hands squeezing into fists. The thought that he might have been unintentionally hurting the gems this whole time just by being around them was painful. He didn’t want to believe that was maybe another horrible thing he’d done, but he needed to know the truth, so slowly and reluctantly, he flicked his gaze up to them. </p><p>Steven wasn’t a genius. He couldn’t always read people, but in that moment it was abundantly clear that there was some truth to his worries - and ‘some’ was more than enough to break his heart. The gems were upset. They were more upset than they cared to show, and Steven was absolutely kicking himself because of <em>course</em> they were. What an idiot. Steven had done something really terrible and he’d been around the gems not even thinking about how they might be feeling. Sure, they were pretty insistent that he wasn’t a terrible person but that didn’t mean they were okay with what he did. It didn’t mean they were okay with <em>him</em>. Did he really think they wanted to be around him after everything that happened? They were sharing a house with a murderer and that <em>had</em> to be a little bit fucking difficult to cope with.</p><p>All the reassurance the gems had given him vanished, leaving him spiralling and guilty - because if they <em>had</em> pretended to be okay around him this whole time, what else were they lying about? What if the gems felt like they were obligated to deal with him? They probably just thought he was too unstable to be left alone. That was all. He’d done something irredeemably awful and there couldn’t be a good enough reason for them to stay after that, right? Hadn’t he upset them enough already?</p><p>Wasn't it time he left them alone?</p><p>“Oh god - I-I shouldn’t have- you don’t need to be here. I’m sorry.” He pressed his shaking palm against his forehead, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. Greg and the gems could only stare, astonished by his sudden outburst.</p><p>“Dude, what?! We’re not leaving!”</p><p>Steven shook his head. “How could I expect you to deal with this? It’s- it’s so much, God. You shouldn’t have to put up with me. I’m so sorry, I-”</p><p>He flinched as Amethysts hands wrapped around his arms, pulling them away from his face. “Steven, you didn’t make us do anything! We’re here because we want to be. We want to help!”</p><p>“Of course were not going anywhere!” Pearl exclaimed.</p><p>“But it’s hurting you! I didn’t even think how you guys must be feeling about this and, fuck, I’m so sorry.” The tears were starting to fall now. Amethyst was still holding onto him, so he had no choice but to let the snot and tears pathetically drip down his face. He sniffed involuntarily, breath hitching.</p><p>A hand touched his upper back, cold and small and thin - but comforting. He didn’t need to look to know it was Pearl. Garnet and Greg moved towards him, but kept a reasonable distance away. He endlessly appreciated it, already feeling overwhelmed by Amethyst and Pearl touching him.</p><p>“Of course it’s not easy for us,” Pearl admitted, sounding somewhat reluctant. “Knowing what happened wasn’t easy to hear, but we’re glad we know. We’re happy you could finally open up to us and we’re not going anywhere, Steven. We’re staying no matter what.”</p><p>“You don’t need to worry about us. We’re going to be completely fine.” Garnet added softly.</p><p>”Yeah, bud,” Amethyst agreed. “And you’re not a burden, y’know? We want to be here for you.”</p><p>Steven swallowed hard, but he couldn’t bring himself to speak. While their words were comforting, he still couldn’t help but feel terrible. If he’d just kept everything to himself from the beginning, the gems wouldn’t feel bad right now. He wouldn’t be crying in front of his whole family - making them worry. Everything still felt so impossible to deal with and he didn’t know how to move on.</p><p>“I’m feeling a little lost here.” Greg announced, a lightness in his tone that failed to mask the true concern behind it.</p><p>Oh god. He still had to talk to Greg.</p><p>His worry must have been apparent because Pearl gave his shoulder a small squeeze. As well as that, he saw Amethyst shoot him a reassuring smile out of the corner of his eye - which he tried to return, but just couldn’t bring himself to fake it.</p><p>“Steven,” Garnet started, her serious tone causing him to immediately snap his head up to her. “I know it’s hard, but we aren’t human, and that means there’s only so much we can do to help you.” She removed her visor in a flash, looking him with such a genuine, soft concern that he felt he might just cry. “We think you should talk to someone. Someone that can help you in ways we can’t - and we’ll be here every step of the way, whatever happens.”</p><p>In Steven’s experience, Garnet was, generally, always right. He trusted her endlessly, which tended to be a real pain in the ass in situations like this where her advice was the exact opposite of what he wanted to do. Though quite frankly, rolling up in his bed and never doing anything again wasn’t really an option. Did he even have a plan? An alternate solution? Or was he just going to lay in his room all day being miserable? Hurting himself and feeling bad? Not showering? Not eating? Well, it was easier than doing anything else.</p><p>Nevertheless, Garnets suggestion was tempting him. She gave him hope. She reassured him - and if that wasn’t enough, the gems just continued to throw love and support his way.</p><p>“We want you to get better, Steven.”</p><p>“Yeah, man. You don’t have to feel like this.”</p><p>“We’ll be here for you.”</p><p>They looked at him with the most gentle sincerity, causing his eyes to glaze with quiet tears. He quickly found himself being engulfed in a tight hug by Pearl - which the others immediately joined in with - and in that moment, for the first time in a long while, he didn’t see anything that could hold him back. He felt safe. They were going to be there for him. His family were all <em>here</em> and they were going to help, no matter what.</p><p>“Are you sure you’re okay with this, kiddo?” Greg asked after a little while. The gems broke away from the hug, leaving Steven to face his father. The man stood an awkward distance away, not quite knowing what he was supposed to do in the situation.</p><p>Steven wiped his eyes with his sleeve. He was still unsure. Reluctant. However, he didn’t want to avoid it this time. Despite his internal conflict on the matter, he felt inclined to trust the gems and his dad.</p><p>“Yeah.” He sniffed. “Yeah, we can talk. Um, alone? If that’s okay? It’s fine if you don’t want to go- I really don’t mind if-”</p><p>“Of course.” Garnet assured calmly. “We’ll see you soon.”</p><p>“See ya, buddy.”</p><p>“We love you.”</p><p>At that, the gems made their way towards the temple, somewhat slowly and reluctantly, though still moving for Steven’s sake. None of them looked back as the door clicked shut, the sound ringing throughout the empty room. Steven noticed the atmosphere change immediately. It was colder and quieter - and all of a sudden he found himself uncomfortably aware that he was now alone with Greg.</p><p>Greg, who was about to find out that his son was a murderer.</p><p>Oh god.</p><p>“You wanna sit down, Schtu-ball?”</p><p>Even though the gem felt pretty much paralysed with anxiety, he managed to force his legs to move over to the sofa, silently taking a seat on the edge. Greg followed soon after, sitting down a few feet away from him.</p><p>Steven didn’t know what to do. He really, truly didn’t. It wasn’t even like he was under pressure or anything; Greg was quiet, just waiting patiently for his son to be ready. Granted, Steven thought he <em>was</em> ready, but now that the gems were gone and the reality of the situation had hit him, he found himself completely blanking.</p><p>“I...”</p><p>His jaw stuttered as he tried to find the will to just say something - or do anything other than gawk at Greg like an idiot. His hands shook and his heart raced, and even though Greg was patient - more patient than anyone else Steven knew, he could tell his father was really really worrying. God, he couldn’t keep putting him through this. He needed to get it together.</p><p>So he swallowed, stuttering as he struggled to find the right words until he finally blurted out the only way he could think of starting that wouldn’t immediately give Greg a heart attack.</p><p>“I did a bad thing.”</p><p>Greg nodded slightly, eyes glued to the floor. “How bad...?”</p><p>Steven cringed. “<em>Really</em> bad.”</p><p>Greg exhaled deeply. “Okay. That’s okay.”</p><p>Steven huffed out a sound - a laugh, or something close enough to one - somewhat bitter, somewhat nervous. “No, actually. It’s really not.”</p><p>The man was silent. Steven realised, after a moment, that it was to allow him to keep talking, but there wasn’t much else he could say without - well, without telling him what he did. Then again, he wasn’t going to be able to avoid it, was he? Not after coming this far. He might as well just take it the whole way, plunging himself right into the deep end without a second thought. Hell, there was no reason not to.</p><p>So he did. He let the words slip out his mouth like it was the easiest thing in the world. Like Jasper didn’t matter and he wasn’t losing sleep. Like it wasn’t the worst mistake he’d ever made in his life. Like he was fine. <em>Everything</em> was fine.</p><p>“Dad, I shattered someone.”</p><p>Gregs eyes flew open. “You- you <em>what</em>..?”</p><p>Steven looked down to his lap, not being able to bare facing the disappointed look his dad must be sporting. “I didn’t mean to, but I did. I shattered Jasper during training. It was an accident, it’s not like I meant to hit her that hard but I <em>did</em>. I did, and that’s all that matters, isn’t it? I shattered her.” The words sounded foreign coming out of his mouth, slow and calm and put together - a complete contrast to the wreck he was when he broke down to the gems about the same thing mere days before. He briefly wondered if maybe he was becoming desensitised to what happened, but then he remembered how Jasper looked just before the impact of the wall hit her - her eyes wild and scared like a deer in headlights, so unlike any expression she’d ever worn before, and that was more than enough to crush him with guilt.</p><p>”O-oh, Steven- <em>that’s</em>- ” Greg gasped. He pulled his hands through his short hair, rapidly glancing between his son and the floor. His brows were furrowed, eyes wide and confused and <em>distraught</em>. Steven flicked his gaze up, surprisingly taking some enjoyment from Greg’s reaction. He couldn’t help but relish in the way his father was freaking out and actually taking him seriously. It took a moment for the gem to realise he...he <em>needed</em> this. He needed Greg to flip out. He needed him to be mad and shout and tell him off because the gems never did. They never held him accountable. They wouldn’t admit he’d done something truly awful, even though it was painfully obvious no one could ever justify murder as being okay. It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t okay, and he needed someone to goddamn admit that already.</p><p>Eventually, Greg looked up to face him properly, a complete mix of emotions crossing his face. “Y-you...<em>really</em>?-” He breathed. “Are you sure you..you couldn’t...?”</p><p>Steven shook his head numbly. “I tried everything. She’s...she’s really gone.”</p><p>At that, the man exhaled shakily, sinking into the back of the couch. Steven watched him, swallowing the lump forming in the back of his throat because he <em>wasn’t</em> going to cry. Not now. Christ, did he even deserve to? Wasn’t it awfully ridiculous to cry over something that was his fault anyway? Although, he wasn’t entirely sure if he was getting emotional over Jasper or just the fact that his dad knew now - which was only going to open up an array of new problems that Steven simply didn’t want to deal with.</p><p>It was just one mistake after another, wasn’t it?</p><p>An avoidable mistake, he reminded himself. He didn’t have to tell Greg. He didn’t have to tell anyone. If he’d just kept everything to himself from the beginning he would’ve probably figured it out on his own, right?Confessing may have given him some mild relief, but now the gems were actually trying to sort out the problem, which meant Steven had to put in the energy to go along with it. Energy he didn’t <em>have</em>.</p><p>Obviously, he wished it wasn’t like this. He wished it never happened at all, but it was a little bit late for that now. There was no getting out of it, so Steven just had to listen to the small part of his brain that did want the help and hope everything wouldn’t just crash and burn.</p><p>He supposed the first step of that would be to sort out the current issue at hand - dealing with his fathers reaction. For a little while, Steven had just been keeping his head down, staring at the creases in his jeans because that was one hundred times better than facing the disappointment in his fathers eyes. Regardless, enough was enough, and so with absolute reluctancy and fear, Steven finally willed himself to glance up at the man.</p><p>And immediately felt himself go cold.</p><p>Greg was unnaturally still and quiet. In fact, the only indication that he’d even heard what Steven had said was his laboured breathing and the look of abject horror plastered onto his face. Steven had seen a look similar to it only once before - years ago. It was when he’d first started getting into real gem trouble, specifically the time he was knocked unconscious by Jasper and imprisoned on a spaceship. Steven could never forget the guilt he felt that day, watching his father panic, <em>really</em> panic, because of what he’d done.</p><p>But in that moment, it felt a thousand times worse.</p><p>For a while, Steven could only stare numbly, wondering with absolute bewilderment and fear if his father had always been that pale. If maybe he’d been like that this whole time. Either that, or Steven had made him that way - made him freak out so much that he’d triggered his fight or flight response (something Connie had taught him about a while back). The second option was much, much more likely, but Steven was growing a little too worried to really beat himself up over it just yet.</p><p>“I-I’m so sorry.” Greg finally breathed, hands trembling.</p><p>Steven froze. “What...?”</p><p>“Gosh, no wonder you’ve been having such a hard time- that- that you’ve been <em>struggling</em>-”</p><p>If Greg continued to ramble, Steven didn’t hear him. He’d heard enough already. Enough for him to completely falter, shoulders tensing as he tried to process the fact that his dad really just...apologised. To him. He wasn’t angry. There wasn’t even a shred of resentment in his voice, nor disappointment - which was objectively, morally, wrong. It didn’t make sense. Hell, it was baffling. Steven could only stare in utter fucking disbelief, because he had actually just admitted to ending someone’s life, and Greg was <em>apologising</em> to him.</p><p>Whether it was a sympathetic ‘sorry’ or not, he didn’t deserve it. Wasn’t Greg going to shout? Scream? Disown him? Anything - <em>anything</em> but this. He couldn’t fucking deal with his dad doing exactly what the gems had, bordering on avoiding the subject - avoiding the truth, because Steven honestly, truly, didn’t deserve to be treated with a shred of remorse after what he did.</p><p>Maybe Greg was just in shock and hadn’t yet processed the reality of the situation, but Steven had already worked himself up to the point where it was far too late to hold his anger back.</p><p>“What the <em>hell</em>,” He growled, teeth gritted. “You’re sorry?! Dad, this is- it’s <em>murder</em>!”</p><p>Greg opened his mouth to respond but promptly snapped it shut when Steven explosively interrupted.</p><p>“How is this okay to you?!” He exclaimed, pushing himself up off the sofa. “You understand I killed someone, right? That this is real, actual murder?!”</p><p>“Steven-”</p><p>“No! You’re supposed to be mad - or at least a little bit fucking disappointed in me! Oh! Or - or are you just ‘proud’ like when I wrecked your van?!” His lips tugged upwards into a huge grin, flashing his teeth in a way that he was certain looked completely manic. But despite the expression, he felt seconds from bursting into tears. Or screaming. Or laughing. He really wasn’t sure. The only thing he did know was that was Greg was now staring up at him, eyes wide in shock, and Steven still couldn’t stop running his mouth.</p><p>“I didn’t mean to shatter her. I <em>didn’t</em>, but I still meant to hurt her. And you know what? It felt good! I didn’t totally hate attacking her and that’s what’s so awful! A-and then I went and tried to hurt White Diamond too because I never fucking learn, and I’ll probably end up doing worse if someone doesn’t stop me because I don’t have any control over my stupid fucking emotions!”</p><p>He dragged his hands down his face, breathing heavily. Admittedly, it felt kind of good snapping at Greg like that. At least, it did in the moment. He knew if he stopped to think about his actions he’d feel rather guilty, but he didn’t care to right then. In fact, he was pretty satisfied with being aggressive and harsh, because it was about time he was actually <em>honest</em>. He wasn’t about to sit there and let Greg tell him he’s a good person - that he’s not a monster for what he did. That was exactly what the gems had done and he wasn’t going to let it happen <em>again</em>.</p><p>“Steven, I...”</p><p>The gem snapped his head up to face Greg, jaw clenched. “<em>What</em>.”</p><p>As he locked eyes with his father, he was surprised to find himself almost flinching. Greg was staring at him with an almost indescribable expression, something that evoked nothing but guilt and hurt into Steven. He’d never experienced his father looking at him like that. Like he was...wrong. Nevertheless, he deserved that, right? He was wrong. He was wrong in every possible way. It didn’t actually mean anything that Greg knew now, did it?</p><p>But it still hurt. It still made him regret losing control and snapping - and enjoying it. He shouldn’t be enjoying it - he <em>couldn’t</em> be - because the moment he got lost in that feeling, he was a danger to everyone around him.</p><p>“Dad, I’m...I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled.”</p><p>For a moment, Greg was quiet. His mouth opened and closed repeatedly, like he wanted to say something but didn’t know how. Or maybe he was just scared to. Scared of how Steven might react.</p><p>That hurt too.</p><p>He didn’t want his dad to fear him in any sense - he didn’t want anyone to. Then again, it would make sense if they did, right? Steven clearly had the strength to hurt someone, and lacked the restraint not to. It would hardly be surprising if Greg simply got up and walked out the door, because Steven was just such a horrible person to be around.</p><p>But he didn’t.</p><p>Instead, he shook his head slightly, brows furrowed with concern. ”It’s - it’s alright, kiddo. I just...gosh, I’m worried.”</p><p>Steven huffed, turning away from his father. “It’s <em>fine</em>. You don’t have to be.”</p><p>Greg pushed himself up off the sofa, joining Steven in standing. He reached over to him, instinctively wanting to lay a comforting hand on his shoulder, but pulled back knowing it wasn’t what the kid needed right now. Steven was standing stiffly, eyes squeezed shut and hands clenched into fists by his sides. Unbeknownst to Greg, he was forcing his fingernails into his palms, hoping the pressure would ground him. It was difficult not to get lost in the sensation, and even more difficult to avoid drawing blood. After what Amethyst saw, he knew better than to let it go that far in front of other people, or they were really going to start catching on to what he was doing. It was probably only a matter of time before his father found out about the whole cliff thing, though he very much doubted he’d be the one willingly releasing that information. If there was anything Steven didn’t want, it was more people getting involved with his issues.</p><p>Unfortunately, Greg had other plans.</p><p>“Steven, I think we should get you back to the hospital.”</p><p>The gems entire body tensed immediately, head snapping up to face Greg. “What...?”</p><p>“Yeah,” he started, voice trembling, sounding more like he was trying to convince himself than anything else. “We can call Dr Maheswaran in the morning and we’ll...we’ll figure this all out together, alright bud?”</p><p>Steven stared, mouth slightly parted. No. No, he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t get more people involved, let alone Connie’s <em>mom</em>. Why would he even need a doctor? What was she gonna do? She couldn’t fix Jasper, that was for sure. And if she couldn’t fix Jasper, then she wasn't going to be any help at all.</p><p>Steven shook his head, hands quickly finding their way to his knotted curls before pulling anxiously. “N-no, dad, that’s not going to help.”</p><p>“Buddy, you can’t deal with all this on your own. This...this is <em>serious</em>-”</p><p>“I <em>know</em> it’s serious,” He snapped, cutting Greg off. “But a doctor isn’t going to fucking fix this, okay?” He resisted the urge to punctuate his sentence with a particularly violent tug, but instead released his grip, letting his arms fall limply to his sides once again.</p><p>“You look like you haven’t been sleeping,” Greg began, voice thick with emotion. “The gems are worried, I’m worried, and gosh you really don’t look good kiddo, I...I think we <em>have</em> to go.”</p><p>Steven whipped around to face Greg properly, growing more agitated. “Why? Because last time I checked, <em>dad</em>, I wasn’t ‘like other kids’. And, what? Now you want me to go to the doctors? The one time I really can’t be helped?”</p><p>“Steven, we can figure this out! Trust me, they’ll know what to do, and-”</p><p>“No! They won’t!” He snapped, fighting the warmth of pink rage that was building up in his chest. “You really think I can go back to being normal after this?! After I shattered Jasper? After every horrible thought I’ve had? You could’ve died when I crashed the van. I could’ve killed white. I wanted to kill white! How messed up is that?! A doctor isn’t going to fix that so don’t tell me they will. Don’t get my <strong>fucking hopes up!</strong>”</p><p>The floor cracked beneath him, wood splintering beneath his toes. He winced, carefully shuffling his feet off the damaged board. Greg watched silently, eyebrows raised in mild panic. Steven would’ve glared if he had the energy. Instead, he simply blinked the tears out of his eyes, defeatedly falling back onto the couch and putting his face in his hands. He knew he was glowing. His skin was ever so slightly pink and warm, though he wasn’t entirely sure if it was from his gem powers or embarrassment.</p><p>Actually wanting to be better wasn’t something he’d admitted aloud before. It wasn’t something he’d even admitted to <em>himself, </em>mainly because he was so sure it could never happen. How could he move on from fucking up so badly? How could he possibly ever feel better after that? Well, Greg seemed to think it was possible. That’s what threw him off the most. His father was an honest person, and if he really thought going to the hospital would help, then despite everything else, a small part of Steven really wanted to believe it.</p><p>But wanting it to be true didn’t feel good at all. He knew with almost complete certainty that he didn’t deserve help, so Greg giving him that opportunity was nothing short of painful. False hope was the last thing he needed - but at the same time, why would his father lie to him? Greg officially knew the worst thing he’d ever done and he was still behaving like...like Steven was a <em>victim</em>. Like he deserved to be treated like a person rather than a monster. Quite frankly, he didn’t understand it. He <em>couldn’t</em> understand it, and that was probably more exhausting than anything else.</p><p>The couch shifted beneath him, indicating that Greg had moved from standing and was now sitting besides him once again.</p><p>“Listen,” He began, voice low and gentle. “It’s normal to feel like this sometimes, you know? And it’s normal to make mistakes. Gosh knows I’ve made my fair share, and that’s-”</p><p>“This is <em>different</em>.” Steven sighed. On a normal day he’d appreciate Greg’s attempts at comforting him. This time though? It was frustrating. It was no secret that Greg didn’t exactly relate to Steven’s current issues, and him attempting to just wasn’t helpful. </p><p>Occasionally Steven wondered if there was <em>anyone</em> out there who related to this feeling. Of course he knew murders existed - but he had no idea actually <em>being</em> one would hurt so badly. From what he’d gathered from books and movies, it was just an awful thing that awful people did - and one of those things everyone <em>technically</em> knew about, but didn’t really think much of. It wasn’t like it came up often - but now Steven was one of those people. He’d hurt people. He was really, genuinely dangerous - and it didn’t make sense that <em>no one </em>actually wanted to accept that.</p><p>“Come on, buddy. You can talk to me.”</p><p>Steven rubbed his eyes, barely finding the strength to pull his hands away from his face and look up at his father with a heavy glare. “You don’t know what it’s like. Actually hurting someone like that, dad, i-its so awful. Maybe you’ve made mistakes too, but not like this. <em>You</em> never actually hurt anyone.”</p><p>Greg faltered. “Maybe I don’t know what it’s like,” He admitted somewhat reluctantly. “but you’re my <em>son</em>, and I <em>know</em> you’re a good person.”<em><br/>
</em></p><p>He shrugged. “Not anymore, I guess.”</p><p>It was true, wasn’t it? He hadn’t exactly done anything ‘good’ these days. He was aggressive and rude and pushed everyone away - just because Greg couldn’t accept that didn’t mean he was right.</p><p>“Steven, bad actions don’t make bad people. What matters is you care and you <em>want</em> to be better. Bad people don’t care about being better, you know?”</p><p>“What <em>matters</em> is she’s gone because of me.” He insisted, teeth gritted.</p><p>“Steven, you still deserve help! It was an accident-”</p><p>“Oh, what the fuck does that matter?! It’s not like it changes anything! Maybe you think you know what I’m like, but you <em>don’t</em> - not after all this! There are things I’ve done I can’t even bare to talk about aloud. Things I’ll probably never be able to say! So don’t tell me I deserve it dad because I don’t! I don’t deserve <em>anything</em>!”</p><p>Steven’s voice broke at the last word, tears pricking his eyes. He shrank into himself the moment he processed what he’d said, head dipping down in the hopes that his curls would shield him from Greg’s view. Maybe then the man would leave him alone so he’d be able to wallow in his misery without an audience. That was all he wanted right then, but Greg wasn’t moving. Steven didn’t dare look up to face him; he didn’t want to see whatever upset or horrified expression his father might be sporting because that would do nothing but make him feel worse.</p><p>“You...you really believe you don’t deserve help, Steven...?”</p><p>Greg’s voice was barely above a whisper, words delicate and full of pain. Steven could only shudder, wishing with his whole being that he was anywhere else. It was jarring hearing the man so serious, so...<em>hurt</em> because of some stupid thing he’d blurted aloud. He couldn’t just keep his mouth shut, could he? It would hardly be difficult to simply not announce his feelings like that - and yet, here he was.</p><p>Steven paused. How much did Greg <em>actually</em> know? </p><p><em>Too much, </em>he quickly realised. He never even wanted his father involved at all. He didn’t want <em>anyone</em> involved. Now not only did Greg know what he’d done, Steven had also stupidly blurted out some not so positive feelings that were surely a little concerning to hear. Oh - and the fact he’d just admitted to shattering Jasper. That wasn’t great either. Through the fogginess of his head, he hadn’t really processed the consequences of telling him that. In his defence he hadn’t really known how Greg would react - but he absolutely didn’t think it would be like <em>this</em>. He didn’t think he’d make such a big deal of it. Why would he? Greg hadn’t taken him to the hospital <em>once</em> in the sixteen years he’d been alive - why now? Why was it only important <em>now</em>?</p><p>He didn’t understand it - but he knew it was bad. The fact that his father was taking this so seriously could only mean one thing:</p><p>Steven <em>wasn’t</em> getting out of this.</p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">It wasn’t so bad when just the gems knew. Despite all the awful things he’d admitted to them, they didn’t really know what to do about it, so not much changed. He wasn’t complaining; it meant that he was able to stick to his normal routine without much interference. But now? He’d taken it too far. He’d let a little bit too much of the truth out and now everyone was taking this much more seriously. No longer would Steven</span><span class="s1"> be able to hide in his room all day, doing and feeling nothing. He couldn’t avoid taking care of himself because his father was much more likely to notice than the gems were (and even Amethyst seemed a little suspicious of that. </span> <em> <span class="s2">Amethyst</span></em><span class="s1">.) And fuck, if they decided to keep a closer eye on him, he’d even struggle to hurt himself without raising suspicion.</span></p><p class="p1">Oh god. He’d really fucked up, hadn’t he?</p><p class="p1">“Steven, what’s going on?” Greg asked gently, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.</p><p class="p1">The hospital wouldn’t be too bad, right? It couldn’t be worse than last time. Well, Steven didn’t actually know - and that scared him. He didn’t know what would happen, but he knew his current situation would change, and change wasn’t something he wanted at all. </p><p>Steven swallowed, shaking his head slightly. “I-I don’t want to go.” </p><p>In situations like this, Greg tended to be permissive. Generally, Steven would expect the man to tell him ‘it’s okay’ or ‘you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do’ or something along those lines. This time however, Greg’s mouth pulled into a thin line, brows furrowing in internal conflict. After a moment, he looked down at Steven with apologetic eyes. “I’m sorry, kiddo, but I think this ones out of your hands.”</p><p>Steven exhaled deeply, releasing what little hope he had left that his dad would let him off the hook. Fuck, this was happening. He really wasn’t getting out of it. </p><p>”It’s gonna be okay, you know? You’ll be in good hands with Dr Maheswaran and-”</p><p>Steven sighed, shaking his head half heartedly. “She’s fine. That’s not the problem.”</p><p>Greg frowned slightly. “Then what is?”</p><p>Steven stopped for a moment, trying to figure out how to put his feelings into words. “It’s- it’s- ugh! I just don’t get it! How am <em>I</em> allowed to move on?! It’s not like Jasper can and that’s- that’s not <em>fair</em>, dad!” He dragged his hands down his face, letting his fingernails graze at his skin maybe a little too harshly. “It doesn’t make sense and- and I <em>don’t</em> think I can be okay with that. Stars, I <em>can’t</em>. I just-”</p><p>Steven sniffed, tears blurring his vision. He swallowed, mouth twisting as he tried to hold them back - but as soon as a small whimper escaped his lips, it was too late. Something inside him broke, dragging every feeling he’d buried to the surface - every fear and horrible thought. It overwhelmed him. It suffocated him - and before he could really process that, he was already falling apart. </p><p>He slapped a hand over his mouth as he sobbed, not that it really did anything to muffle the sound. Greg was quickly by his side, tentatively wrapping an arm around his shoulders, and Steven was too far in his own head to stop himself from leaning into it. </p><p>“It’s okay Schtu-ball. I’ve got you.”</p><p>Steven didn’t feel okay. Living like this was eating him alive. No matter what he did - whether he tried to distract himself from what happened or face it head on, it never stopped feeling absolutely agonising. The pain still felt new; as fresh and raw as the day he’d shattered her. It might as well have been that same day, though Steven knew it had been quite a bit longer. Well, he was sure it had been much longer than a week at least. Maybe a few. Maybe a month. Between his horrific sleep schedule and everything else that had happened, he wasn’t entirely sure. All he knew was it had been an exhausting period of time, and he wasn’t very confident he’d be able to keep up that routine for much longer. </p><p>The truth was, Steven didn’t see a way out of it at all. There was nothing anybody could say or do that would make him ache less. What he’d done haunted him constantly, even in his sleep. The nightmares kept that day fresh in his memory, reminding him of every little detail until he was jerked awake, sweaty and nauseous. He couldn’t escape it. He’d <em>tried</em>. He’d tried almost everything, but even <em>trying</em> was becoming too difficult these days. </p><p>Maybe sometimes he thought differently. Occasionally there were small glimmers of hope that lead him to believe he <em>could</em> be helped after all. Maybe one day he’d feel better that this would all feel like a distant memory.</p><p>It was a nice thought. </p><p>Unfortunately, there was no way Steven could ever forgive himself for what he did. He didn’t deserve to. It was as simple as that. <br/>
<br/>
...But he couldn’t deny he hated feeling like this. He couldn’t stand it - and if he couldn’t move on, then this <em>was</em> it. This was all his life would be. He’d never feel happy again. He’d never get to do all those things he wanted to do like...</p><p>Like...</p><p>Well maybe he hadn’t quite figured out his life plans yet, but that didn’t mean he never would, right? That didn’t mean he didn’t want to <em>try</em>. But then again, if he was going to feel like this all the time, why would he want to? Why would he bother? Surely he’d be better off just giving up.</p><p>Steven shuddered. Maybe it really <em>would</em> be better that way. </p><p>But...maybe he’d rather stay leaning against his fathers chest for a little while longer.</p><p>Greg’s sweater was itchy against his cheek. The fabric was rough and worn and old - but he didn’t mind the feeling all that much. It was an item of clothing his dad had owned for as long as he could remember, and that made it comforting. Happy memories were tied to it, but right then all Steven could do was bury his face in it and cry. He didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to fight or scream or be angry at all. He only wanted to stay pressed against his father and let himself feel bad. Let himself sob until there was nothing left - until he was completely void of emotion. </p><p>So he did. He melted against the man, sniffing and sobbing and gasping, and Greg’s arms were suddenly squeezing him much tighter than before. He let himself accept the comfort without much reluctance because, well, he could no longer deny that he needed it. He needed someone to tell him he’d be okay. He needed the support. He needed his dad - and fuck, he needed <em>help</em>. That was something he’d struggled to admit to himself, but deep down, he knew that was the case. Whether he went to a doctor or tried fixing the problem his own way, one thing was true: he <em>couldn’t</em> keep living like he was now. He had to do something about it.</p><p>But for now, he just needed his dad.</p><p>—</p><p>Greg stayed by Steven’s side for as long as he needed, comforting him silently. He didn’t have to, but he <em>did</em>, and the gem wasn’t able to admit how much that really meant to him. He appreciated his father so much - for every single thing he’d done - and that made him feel all the more guilty for the way he’d been behaving recently. </p><p>“I-I’m sorry.” Steven uttered, breaking the silence as he sat up, pulling himself away from Greg. His voice was fragile and barely above a whisper, fearing that if he were any louder he’d simply break down all over again. </p><p>Greg shook his head at himself. “Steven, <em>I’m</em> sorry. If I’d have known that- that something was <em>wrong</em>, gosh, I’d have-”</p><p>“Dad, it’s fine. I...I probably wouldn’t have let you anyway.” He admitted, wiping his eyes with the cuff of his sleeve. </p><p>Gregs expression twisted, but he remained silent. Whatever thought that was troubling him would remain unsaid for another day, and honestly? Steven was fine with that. He’d had more than enough draining conversations for one day, <em>especially</em> since he’d probably get plenty more at the hospital tomorrow - which he was absolutely dreading, by the way. </p><p>“Well I’m here for you now, okay? Whatever you need, Schtu-ball. I’m here.”</p><p>Even though Steven really did appreciate his fathers support, the smile he gave him was strained, spirit weighed down by stress and fatigue. “Thanks dad. Really.”</p><p class="p1">He just couldn’t stop worrying about what might happen at the hospital - if maybe he’d start swelling and glowing and destroy everything just like last time. It was bad enough that Greg had to pay for the damages of that event - he couldn’t do that to him <em>again</em>. And even if he did manage to stay calm enough to actually get checked over, that still meant he’d have to talk to Dr Maheswaran about a bunch of stuff he <em>didn’t</em> want her to know about. God, what if she thinks he’s a massive freak and stops him from seeing Connie, because who’d want their daughter to be friends with someone like him? Or...or maybe she won’t even be able to help him at all. Maybe she’ll simply explain that he’s a lost cause and there’s not a single thing anyone can do about it. Stars, what if <em>no one</em> could help him? What if going would just make everything worse? What if he’d be better off not bothering at all? </p><p class="p1">Steven flinched as a heavy hand fell onto his shoulder, knocking him from his thoughts. “You feeling alright, Kiddo? Greg asked gently, genuine worry in his eyes. </p><p class="p1">“Y-yeah,” Steven breathed, without really thinking about it. It’s not like he even <em>needed</em> to hide his feelings from Greg; the man had just witnessed him sob for quite a good length of time so it was fair to assume he knew he wasn’t doing great. Steven wasn’t quite sure why lying was his first instinct anyway, but it probably wasn’t a good thing - and a habit he should at least <em>try</em> to break.</p><p class="p1">“Well, not really. I’m...yeah. You know.” Steven added softly.</p><p class="p1">Greg nodded slightly, a knowing look in his eyes. “And it’s okay to feel like that, you know? You can be honest with me.”</p><p class="p1">“Y-yeah. I know.”</p><p class="p1">Steven found himself staring down at his lap, tracing his fingers over the seams on his jacket until he found a loose thread to mess with. Anything to occupy his brain and avoid his fathers gaze, really. He twisted the thread around his fingers until the tips went red, trying not to focus on the fact that Greg’s eyes on him the whole time as he did so.</p><p class="p1">“Listen kiddo, I...” Greg began, tone somehow heavy and gentle and serious all at once. Steven froze slightly at the sound, flicking his gaze up to him for just a second before dropping it back down to his lap again. “I know you’ve been pretty hard on yourself recently. It’s not easy to move on from your mistakes, I get it, but...but I need you to understand that you deserve to just as much as anyone else, alright? You <em>deserve</em> to feel okay.”</p><p class="p1">Steven tugged, and the thread snapped. </p><p class="p1">Admittedly, he was a little taken aback by Greg’s words. Deep down he’d been desperate for that kind of validation - but now that he actually had it, he wasn’t sure what to do. Whether his father was right or not, it felt wrong. It felt unfair. How could he just move on like nothing happened? How come he was allowed to be happy when he’d done something so immensely awful? Why <em>should</em> he be happy? Why should he get a second chance? </p><p class="p1">The gems and Greg treated the situation differently to how he did. They were kind and gentle with him, almost as if he were a <em>victim</em>, and that contrast threw him off terribly. Was he crazy thinking this? Why was everyone being so sympathetic towards him when the facts of what he did were <em>right</em> <em>there</em>? He didn’t understand. It didn’t make sense, and that was almost frustrating him to tears.</p><p class="p1">“I-I think I’m gonna go to bed.” Steven choked, voice small and fragile as he pushed himself up off the couch. </p><p class="p1">Greg’s face fell, looking slightly dejected as he watched Steven retreat into himself once again. He’d hoped that he could get through to him - that maybe all he needed was a little push to open up and allow himself to be helped. As it turned out, Steven wasn’t ready yet, and Greg just had to accept that. He couldn’t force him, after all. The best he could do for now was give him as much comfort and support as possible until they got in for an appointment with Dr Maheswaran. </p><p class="p1">“It <em>is</em> getting pretty late, Schtu-ball. Maybe some rest is a good idea. I’ll be here in the morning, and...” He paused, looking somewhat reluctant. “Actually, I think I’ll stay here on the sofa tonight. Just...just in case you need anything, alright?”</p><p class="p1">Steven deflated a little. Babysitting. Yup. He should’ve seen it coming. Luckily for Greg, he was too tired to really care. If the man wanted to fuss over him like the gems did, fine. It wasn’t like he was going anywhere, after all. </p><p class="p1">“That’s okay,” He responded somewhat apathetically, turning on his heels as he made his way towards his bedroom. He paused as he reached the door, turning back to face him. “Goodnight, dad. And...thank you.”</p><p class="p1">Greg smiled gently. “Goodnight, kiddo. Sleep well.”</p><p class="p1">Steven appreciated the sentiment. Really, he did, but there wasn’t a chance in hell that would happen anytime soon. </p><p class="p1">—</p><p class="p1">Steven collapsed onto his bed with a thud, mattress springs creaking beneath him.</p><p class="p1">He didn’t mean to abandon his dad so suddenly, it was just...he had a lot to think about. His fathers words had hit a bit of a nerve and he didn’t quite know what to do about it. He <em>wanted</em> to believe what he’d said was true. He wanted to be able to move on and feel better some day - however long that might take. He wanted to be okay. He wanted to forget about what happened - but he <em>couldn’t</em>. He just couldn’t. </p><p class="p1">Or at the very least, he didn’t know how to. Feeling better seemed like an impossible task, because for the first time, he <em>couldn’t </em>change what happened. He couldn’t change the past. Throughout his whole life, no matter what, he’d <em>always</em> managed to fix everything. Even stuff that seemed completely impossible like bringing Lars back to life or recovering the corrupted gems or dismantling the empire were figured out in the end. Why was he only useless <em>now</em>? Why couldn’t he just do this one fucking thing? </p><p class="p1">Steven groaned, dragging his nails down his face. Everything was such a mess - but he’d brought it upon himself. If he didn’t want to feel like this, maybe he should’ve had some self control during his fight with Jasper. Maybe he should’ve thought about his actions. The fact that he’d fucked up was <em>completely</em> on him, and the more he thought about that, the less he could accept that Greg was right about him deserving help. </p><p class="p1">That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. If his fears turned out to be true - if he really didn’t deserve help or happiness or <em>anything</em>, he’d be okay with that. He’d accept it. He’d accept any consequences at this point, because it somehow felt so much better than pretending he didn’t deserve to suffer for what he did. He <em>knew</em> he was getting carried away back in the forest. He knew he was losing control. She’d been broken because of his carelessness - and if his punishment for that was to be miserable for the rest of his life, then so <em>fucking</em> be it. <br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Comment n stuff if you want, I’ve missed u guys. Thank you so much for supporting me, I appreciate it endlessly 🥺</p><p>Also,, in the future if I’m being slow and you’re wondering what’s up you can find me at @willows.jpg on Instagram! I also post a lot of su fanart there 💕</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>